Get Smart

[IN RUSSIAN]

[IN KOREAN]

[YELLS]

[IN ARABIC]

[IN ARABIC]

[ABBA'S "TAKE A CHANCE ON ME"

PLAYS ON HEADPHONES]

WOMAN:
And this display is all that's left

of CONTROL, a secret spy agency...

...which once battled against

the criminal syndicate known as KAOS.

CONTROL was disbanded

at the end of the Cold War.

Okay, up next, an exhibit...

[BEEPING]

Judy, the elevator is still doing that thing

where it drops really fast.

Are you sure Maintenance fixed that?

Let me check.

Yep, they fixed it.

See you later.

- Hey, Max.

MAX:
Agent 50.

[FLY BUZZING]

how'd a fly even get in here?

- Hey, Max.

- Max!

Hey, Larabee, 91.

Yeah, big day. Could be

your last chance to push a pencil.

Field-agent test results are due.

Oh. Is that today?

I wasn't really thinking about it.

Can you imagine Max as an agent?

Little suit, little shoes.

[LAUGHING]

Uh-oh. Two-nerd pile-up.

[IMITATES CARS CRASHING]

- Move!

- Ow!

- Move!

- Ow!

- Move!

- Ow!

Pretty boys. Nothing but empty suits.

- Good morning, Bruce, Lloyd.

- Why would you wanna be an agent?

I mean, lab guys like us, analysts like you,

we're the real soldiers.

BRUCE:
We're the true guardians

of freedom and democracy.

And I hear we're getting

a new cappuccino machine.

No, that's only for agents.

Oh.

MAN:

Hey, Agent 23 is back.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

- Welcome back, 23.

- Maxie.

So how was the assassination?

Maxie, you know assassinations

are specifically prohibited...

...by executive order 12333.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- I could if I wanted to.

- Yes, you... Oh. Oh!

Did you see that face he made? Scary.

Six months' work. 18 million dollars.

Fricking agents, man.

MAN:

Come on, let's see it.

MAX:
A lot of chatter in this region

involves nuclear material.

You may remember

from page 627 of my last report...

...that there has been an uptick

in KAOS interest in nukes.

[BEEPING]

To wit, I offer

the following conversation.

What are you doing? Are you texting?

Yeah, letting my fiancee know

we won't be able to get married in June.

I'll still be in this meeting.

AGENT 23:
Can I see that a second?

- Yeah.

That's great.

[CRACKING]

That's weird. You lost your signal.

Sorry to interrupt, Maxie, go ahead.

Next time use your own damn phone.

Good morning, men. No, offense, Karen.

Snappy tie.

Sorry I'm late, but I just came out

of a budget meeting...

...with our incredibly abrasive, dismissive

and sarcastic vice president.

MAX:

It's no problem.

I have obtained a snippet,

at great risk to a busboy in Balahd.

[MAN SPEAKING IN PUNJABI

ON RECORDING]

"Aftab, how is your coffee?"

"Good, Dalip, it's decaf.

How is yours?"

"It is good also.

How is your muffin?"

Powerful stuff.

So "muffin," then, is a code word?

No, it is comfort food...

...and quite frankly, more

fattening than most people realize.

Which begs the question...

...why would two

hardened KAOS agents...

...risk the carbs?

Because they are under

a great deal of stress.

- Hence the decaf.

- For Aftab, yes.

Dalip takes his full-strength. Why?

Because he has been sleeping

on the couch for three days...

...because he called his sister-in-law

a "leathery hag."

People often say things

in anger they don't really mean.

People often say things

in anger they don't really mean.

Leathery hag, fat cow, ungrateful whore.

Just words, really, that shouldn't

be used against you in a custody hearing.

Let it go, man. Those kids

don't even look like you.

Can we put a pin in this, please...

...and go back to Max's

extraordinarily detailed report?

Thank you, Chief. All I'm saying is...

...that until we understand

that our enemies are also human...

...we will never defeat them.

Yes, they are bad guys, but that

is what they do, not who they are.

Let's continue listening...

...and bear in mind that the next 100 pages

can get a little bit dry.

MAN:

Come on...

Easy, Durat! This stuff is radioactive.

One slip-up, and it's "ka-fricking-boom!"

MAN:

Shtarker.

This is KAOS.

We don't "ka-fricking-boom" here.

Sorry, Mr. Siegfried.

Get it in the truck,

and let's burn this place to the ground.

But if we have what we want,

why burn the building?

Any more questions?

Missed me!

[LAUGHS]

All right! All right! I'm out!

He was lying, Max. It was a good shot.

Thanks.

I am so sick of training.

I wanna get out in the field.

AGENT 91:
Give it up, 23! It's just you

and Maxi-pad against the six of us.

Oh, gee, Maxi-pad,

I've never heard that one before!

I never have actually heard that before.

[YELLS]

It's a knife wound from the last mission.

My blood gets pumping, it seeps.

LARABEE:

Hey, Maxine!

Come over here

and we'll play a game I like to call:

"Let's Go to the Dog Show."

I put a collar on you

and make you my bi...!

[GUNSHOT]

[LARABEE GRO ANING]

I think I really got inside his head.

I am not proud of what I just did.

I am not proud of what I just did.

Game over, Chatty Cathy.

[GRUNTING]

Game over when I say it's over.

- Okay.

- Wet willy.

Okay. Who wants lunch?

Well, excellent work, 23,

but I could've handled it my...

[MAN GRUNTS]

[EARS RINGING]

- Max, the Chief wants to see you.

- It is nice to see you too!

You wanted to see me, Chief?

Yes, Max, yes, please, sit down.

Your field-agent test results

just came in and...

- Something wrong with your ear?

- Absolutely not.

Would you like me

to wait while you answer that?

Answer what?

Nothing. You were saying?

I was saying the results

are quite extraordinary.

In fact, your essay on existentialism

was quite amazing.

I left that section blank.

Blank? Brilliant.

Brilliant, Max.

- You passed with flying colors.

- Yes!

You know what, sir?

I can't say that I am shocked.

I felt good about this year's test,

in light of the fact...

...that in previous years,

my fitness has been an issue.

Personal best.

But not anymore. I'm ready for duty.

I know how hard

you've prepared for this...

...and how much this means to you...

...but I'm afraid I can't promote you.

- What?

- I can't afford to give up my best analyst.

I mean, the amount of chatter

you get through, and the reports...

...I mean, they go way beyond

the raw data.

So to be clear, you're not promoting me,

because I do such a great job.

Max, the way you and I work

is becoming a lost art form.

I spend half my days

trying to convince the vice president...

...that intelligence comes

from humans and not satellites.

Men with hunches,

that's where the real work gets done.

I'm very proud of you, Max...

...very proud of you...

...but I need you where you are.

MAX:

I am sorry, but we can never be.

Despite today's setback,

I will at some point become a field agent...

...and when that happens...

...one phone call could take me

to the other side of the world.

Who am I kidding? I'm a middle-aged

man who's missed the train.

You don't deserve this.

I don't deserve you.

You're so young and so full of life.

Don't do it, Fang.

Don't love me.

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