Ghost Town Page #3

- Tell him 54th and Madison.

I don't want to go to 54th and Madison!

Okay, that narrows it down.

I don't want a Sapphire martini

up with olives.

Okay, that narrows it down.

Yeah, you're making kind of a fool

out of yourself.

You can't talk to me

when somebody's standing there.

- Campari and soda.

- Campari soda.

No.

- Pimm's Cup.

- Pimm's Cup.

Pimm's Cup? Pimm's?

- Just get a real drink.

- Shut the f*** up!

Okay! Sorry.

Can I have the first thing I said?

Sapphire martini up with olives.

- Shut up.

- Wow. You need to adjust, right?

No, it's okay, it's okay.

It's okay. You need a little

time to adjust. I get it.

I haven't done jack in 14 months.

- I've been here, believe me, I can wait...

- I died today!

What do you mean?

- I was dead. For seven minutes.

- Yeah?

And then when they brought me back,

I can...

Yeah, well, look, that's the thing.

New York is lousy with ghosts.

I mean, they're everywhere,

and they're a noisy,

pushy, demanding bunch,

same as when they were alive,

and frustrated, too.

The dead have

a lot of unfinished business,

which is why we're still here.

And normally, we can't talk to the living

and, suddenly, you come along,

and you can imagine.

A lot of excitement.

Why are you dressed like that?

Were you a matre d'?

- I'm gonna ignore that, okay?

- You shouldn't.

You wear what you died in.

At least I look nice.

- Sapphire martini up with olives.

- Thank you.

- Drink your drink.

- I'm gonna drink my drink.

- All right.

- Just shut up.

Aesthetically pleasing.

Am I still dead?

I'm still dead, aren't I?

This is heaven.

Can't be heaven, you wouldn't be here.

I'm lying on the operating table,

they're gonna bring me around, and...

It's all gonna be a dream.

Yeah. Don't overthink it.

You were gone, now you're back.

Have a drink. Have another one.

God knows I would if I could.

- You can take your BlackBerry with you?

- I guess.

What, have you got a signal?

- Not yet, but I keep trying.

- Not yet.

Thank goodness

I downloaded Tetris before I went.

Damn it! How'd you die?

Something went wrong

with the anesthetic.

I went in for a colonoscopy

and it went all...

Yeah, I never got one of those.

I don't think

you have to worry about it now.

- What kind of anesthetic did they use?

- They didn't want to use any.

- What?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Expected me...

- What about your ass feelings?

Don't actually say "ass feelings."

I knew what you meant with that.

- If we're gonna be hanging out, I just...

- We're not gonna be hanging out!

May I ask you a question, young man?

It's about my daughter.

She lives in Far Rockaway.

- She won't speak to her sister...

- Back off, Marjorie!

All right? I'm talking to him.

Whatever you do, don't talk to them.

I certainly see no harm

in making a request of the young man.

How about the fact

that I found him first?

Look what you did. You upset him.

No, no, you, you, you, you, you.

Yeah, very good. I know you're there.

Let's start over, huh? Come on.

You had a rough day.

You're tense, you're keyed up.

You do yoga? You do yoga?

My girlfriend's got a studio.

I'll show you where it is.

Girlfriend?

I thought you said you were married.

Did I say I was a perfect person?

- Come on, let's hail a cab. She's hot.

- You don't exist, okay?

You're the bizarre aftereffects

of some poorly-administered anesthetic.

I'm gonna go home to bed,

and when I wake up in the morning,

with any luck, you'll be gone.

That would be truly rotten luck

for my wife

who just needs a little bit of your help.

- If you would come through for me...

- I'm not listening anymore.

Hey, I don't want to play hardball

with you, but I will if I have to.

- It's Pink-Ass, right?

- Pincus.

Pincus? Pincus?

This is a matter of life or death.

- It's my wife, okay? She lives right...

- Widow.

She lives right here in this building,

all right?

She's getting married

in a couple of months

to a real scumbag lawyer,

a bad, bad guy.

Somebody's got to stop this.

What do you care?

You were having an affair.

Never been married, right? Okay.

You need time.

- It's all right, I can take a hint.

- It's not a hint.

- Good evening, Dr. Pincus.

- Just go to hell.

- What?

- Is this a bad time?

My letter went under the carpet.

He lost something important,

and I know where it is.

She won't wear a helmet

because of me, but that's nuts!

Gee, I'm sorry, Doctor,

did I accidentally give everybody

your home address?

If you don't help her, she won't...

I got to tell you, nobody was

more excited than Naked Guy. He's...

Leave me alone.

- Dr. Pincus?

- Back off!

- Sorry?

- Oh, sorry. Never mind.

- Bless you.

- Oh, God. Thank you.

- Bless you.

- Thank you.

- Bless you.

- Thank you.

- Bless you.

- Stop it.

If I sneeze again, I'll assume...

Thank you. Just...

I'm not very well. It's not you.

It's a bit you.

Mainly... You can't... But you're adding.

Don't you see, Pincus,

there's a reason I'm here and this is it.

I mean, this slimeball, he's using Gwen,

trying to get his hands on her money.

I left her a good chunk of change,

you know.

- My head. It's throbbing.

- I'm like her guardian angel.

You can be

the guardian angel's assistant.

- Pass.

- What?

You don't want to help me

earn my wings?

I don't care.

- You don't want to at least help Gwen?

- She's beyond help, okay?

She chose you, didn't she?

And now she's got a new slimeball,

and if that doesn't work out,

I'm sure another Mr. Wrong

will come along,

'cause that seems to be her thing.

Now, leave me alone.

I've got a crown at 8:00 a.m.

I see! I understand, I get it.

- What? What do you get?

- You. Just this whole self-loathing thing.

- No, it's you I loathe.

- Oh, please.

Frankie spent some time on the couch.

You know, dentists have

one of the highest suicide rates

of any other profession.

But this might really give you a chance

- to connect with another human being...

- Shut up. Shut up!

Okay? Don't you understand?

I don't give a sh*t! I like what I do.

Do you know why? It suits me.

Because 90% of the people

I come into contact with

have cotton wool

shoved in their mouths.

I'm not interested

in their political opinions.

I don't care

what they thought of Spamalot.

I don't care about their lives.

I just like the quiet!

You are a sad little man.

- And you're a lying, bigamist corpse.

- No, no, I'm not a bigamist.

I'm an adulterer.

It's a whole different thing.

Sorry, my mistake.

You were a real catch.

Come on. You don't think

I'm gonna find you in a hotel?

This is crazy, all right?

You want your quiet life back?

I'll make you a deal. Okay?

I'll talk to them for you,

get them to leave you alone.

I'm good at talking people into things.

It's what I do.

Did.

Look, you do this one thing for me,

you'll never see any of us

ever again, okay?

Problem solved.

Yeah, okay.

The mummy's been examined

by virologists,

oncologists, forensic

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