Ghost Town Page #4

pathologists,

searching for signs of foul play,

but Pepi the Third's cause of death

at the relatively young age of 23

still remains a mystery.

It can't be that hard

to break up a relationship.

I used to screw

these things up all the time.

Maybe we ought to just hire a broad to

seduce him and videotape it, you know?

That woman lives in my building?

Or we send her an anonymous letter

from his other family.

- I've never seen her before.

- One of those things?

- You stole her cab, remember?

- I've never noticed her, then.

Never noticed her?

Open your eyes, man.

What are you, a brain in a jar?

Okay.

I want to hear what she's got to say.

- Really?

- Yes.

And the grand manner in which

Mummy 1999.1.4 was preserved

also suggests that he was embalmed

by royal mummifiers,

as opposed to

curbside-marketplace perverts...

Preservists.

That's awkward.

I suppose

the simplest way to break it up

would be to plant a seed of doubt

in her mind.

- Give her another option.

- I don't get it.

- Present her with an alternative.

- Yeah, yeah, I thought of that.

You mean hire

a good-looking male model...

Don't hire anyone. Don't...

No, don't need...

- Don't need a male model or a fireman.

- Somebody handsome, right?

Not too handsome. Not chiseled,

just approachable. Sort of...

'Cause I was thinking, like,

rugged and somebody tough.

...round-faced,

if anything and sensitive.

Well, he's gonna have to have

a lot of cash, though.

If he's sensible with his money,

he's probably invested well,

and that would be attractive.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- She might like that.

- Yeah.

But he's gonna have to be tall.

Tall is important.

No, no, no, no, no, he's not.

No, no. Average.

- Really?

- Yeah. Bordering on the short.

Oh, my word, you mean you.

- I'm... Hey! Hey! Hey!

- Forget it.

Don't walk away mad!

Come here! Pink-Ass!

I would like to elaborate further on

Mummy 1999.1.4's burial site. Here...

- I'm sorry.

- Forget it.

That's okay. I mean, a lot of great ideas

sound completely ridiculous at first.

Sorry I even brought it up.

I'm still thinking about it.

You know, it might work.

I mean, all you're gonna have to do

is be charming enough

to give her a few second thoughts,

you know?

Be a challenge.

Almost impossible.

But I'd be there, you know?

Pulling the strings.

Guy in the bushes calling the plays.

You know, I think I can do it.

- Really. I can do this. I can do it.

- Forget it.

No, no, no, you're not...

You're not married, are you?

- Good God, no.

- No? You got a girlfriend?

No, just between us, currently.

- So you use hookers.

- No, I don't use hookers.

We've also conducted

extensive CT scans

to search for orthopedic trauma,

which may have led to infection,

as you may remember was the case

with Tutankhamen

as shown here on slide 43.

Nope, nope, you know what?

It's possible

that she could actually go for you.

I mean, she likes athletic guys.

I mean, you work out or...

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Twice a week. Free weights.

- Okay. All right.

- You got a nice, thick head of hair.

- Protein shampoo.

- She's gonna like that.

- Yeah.

- Look after your scalp.

- Right.

All we got to do is find a way

to get you two together, you know?

At her apartment, you show up as

the cable guy or innocent pizza boy or...

- You watch a lot of porn, don't you?

- No.

I was inclined to regard this injury

as the result of attempts by plunderers

to hastily remove

the wrappings from the mummy.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go over there

when she's finished,

and strike up a conversation with her.

- Yeah.

- I know.

- What?

- I don't know.

I'm just thinking,

in the smock, better not.

- Yes. I came straight from work.

- Okay.

- I'm a dentist. This is what we wear.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- This is how we do it, baby.

- Okay.

And remember that the show officially

opens on Friday, the 12th.

Thank you,

thank you very much for coming.

You know, it's an interesting story.

My daughter went to Egypt.

- Oh, really? Did she?

- Oh, yeah.

Good, all right.

I owe you an apology.

Do you mean for stealing my cab

or for not holding the elevator?

- Don't remember the second one.

- Oh, no, no. I know.

Maybe it was for that time that

you told the super that

somebody down on nine was cooking

stenchy ethnic food

that stings the eyes?

- Was that you?

- It was tacos.

They told me that any complaints

would be kept anonymous.

Or, you know, maybe it was for

the eight or ten times that I said,

"Hello," or "Good morning" or whatever,

and you never even looked at me.

I'm a very private person.

What you are is a little bit of a jerk.

- Bertram Pincus, D.D.S.

- So I've read.

- I enjoyed your lecture very much.

- Thank you.

- Don't take the walk-outs personally.

- I hadn't noticed.

But, you know,

thank you for that encouragement.

Quite a few, quite a few.

What do they know?

- Atrocious dental hygiene.

- I'm sorry?

Your mummy. 1999.1.4.

He was no flosser.

Dental humor.

Is there something else?

Shoes. Your shoes are comfortable.

Bye.

I knew you were

gonna come off scary.

I wasn't scary.

I caught her at a bad time.

- Right, and it scared her.

- I'm not scary!

Don't make eye contact.

Let me... No, no, no.

Let me preface this.

- What the hell is your problem?

- I don't have a problem.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- No, no.

You got a big problem.

Big problem with women.

No, I take it back.

You got a problem with people.

- Yeah, they suck.

- Would you quit banging that drum?

What's the drama? Some big, bad lady

went and broke your heart?

Well, get over it. It's in the past.

You know nothing about my past,

do you?

I know you got to forget about this

and let it go.

It's not helping you out there.

Listen, the thing with women

is that they...

I do fine with women.

Thanks very much.

You know, for the sake of time,

I'm gonna agree with that insane point,

and say, "Yeah, you do great

with women. You do great."

But you stink with this one.

So we got work to do.

And she likes a man who's a man.

She likes you to order for her

in a restaurant. And don't get bossy!

Don't ever tell her

to take it easy, Pincus.

- This will make her absolutely nuts.

- Yeah.

I do know how to talk to people.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you got a gift, don't you? Yeah.

Once you're with her,

you got to show her you care.

You got to be jealous,

got to be suspicious.

Why on earth would I do that?

'Cause it shows you're interested.

This is the worst advice

I've ever had in my life.

But she's jealous, too,

and she's no dummy.

She thinks you're lying, she'll raise

one eyebrow and cock her head.

I call it her pirate look.

Rattles the hell out of you.

- Hi.

- I'm gonna get the next one.

Don't be silly. Get in here.

I don't want to... Okay.

Pincus.

Okay, just don't say anything.

No, no, no, no, no, you're not ready.

You're not ready.

Just ride in silence, okay?

Don't do this. And get that face off.

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