Ghostbusters Page #2

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that is the first thing that comes up.

Along with a ghost emoji now,

thank you very much,

- ...that does a little dance.

- You know what?

That book was our baby.

And you abandoned that baby

before it even learned to fly!

Okay, well, books can't fly.

And neither can babies, so...

You don't know. I'll tell you what.

If I had a human baby that could fly,

I wouldn't be telling the press about it.

If I had a flying baby,

I'd zip this, and so would you.

There is no experimental backing

for anything in that book.

And it makes me look like a crazy person.

- God! Are you kidding me?

- What?

I got one wonton!

I got a tub of soup,

and I got one split wonton.

Look at that, just floating there.

I'm sorry you're having

a soup crisis right now.

There's not even any meat in there.

That's just a carrot.

Abby, please.

- Yes.

- Abby!

I got one wonton!

What do I have to do?

I will take my top off for Bennie

if it gets me three more wontons.

I swear to God.

You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders.

I'm sorry, hello? Who are you?

Holtzmann. Virgo.

Avid skier. Gluten-full.

And 100% jazzed to meet you.

Don't get too close to her, Holtzmann.

She'll ask you to write a book,

and then she'll squash your dreams.

Okay.

Holtzmann works

with me here in the lab.

She's a brilliant engineer and very loyal.

She would not abandon you.

I get it.

She also happens to specialize

in experimental particle physics.

- Oh.

- She was almost hired by CERN.

That's very impressive.

Uh, what happened?

- There was a lab incident.

- But he's gonna wake up.

- He woke up yesterday.

- Great.

Then he screamed

and went back into a coma.

Well, I bet all that screaming

tuckered him out.

Um, can we get back

to our discussion please?

Oh, gosh, it sounds like a great time,

but I'm gonna have to say no

because Holtzmann and I are really busy here

actualizing what we just

theorized about in our book.

- Really?

- Yeah.

We're incredibly close on the hollow laser

for the reverse tractor beam.

Really close.

You're making a reverse tractor beam?

Abby, why don't you let her listen to the EVP.

- What EVP?

- No. Not... There's no EVP.

- EVP is electro...

- Electro voice phenomenon.

I'm familiar. I know what it means.

And there's never been one substantiated.

Oh, there hasn't? There hasn't been one...

You know what? You come with me.

With a suit on and you get so cocky.

A few months ago,

we spent eight nights at the Chelsea Hotel.

We didn't get anything.

Well, we didn't think so.

And then later, in the lab,

when we were reviewing these tapes...

- Wow, you really got me.

- You know what?

Usually we can't even get people over here.

- But we have never...

- She came right over to it.

Never had anybody actually

put their face down close to the machine.

It's a cool joke. That was funny.

It's disgusting.

Is it more or less disgusting

if I tell you it came from the front?

- Oh, you didn't... Oh.

- I can do it live if you want.

What's next? You gonna give me a wedgie?

No. I think both of us pretty much feel

you have enough stuck up your butt.

Burn!

Okay, you know what, I thought

we could have an adult conversation,

but apparently we can't.

Erin, if you don't believe

in this stuff anymore,

then why were you looking for the book?

A man came to see me at my work

saying his building was haunted.

What building?

The Aldridge Mansion.

It's obviously a joke.

What are you doing?

Uh!

See, this is, this is exactly...

- You want to go find some ghosts?

- Yes.

Break!

Ooh!

- Wait, you're going?

- I got the pack.

Abby! Please, Abby. The book.

Come on. Let's go!

I'm not going with you guys.

Oh, no. Are you kidding?

You were never invited!

I need you out of the lab,

so I can lock the door.

Oh. Well, you said "let's," so...

- Oh, my God. Just pull the...

- We're wasting time.

Just close the door behind you, it'll lock!

Abby, wait!

HEY! Taxi!

- Hey! Hey!

- Abby.

Abby, come on.

Please, Abby, just

take the book down. Please.

All right, all right,

but you have to introduce us

to this guy at the Aldridge Mansion.

Yes, he would love to meet you.

Then I will consider, maybe,

taking the book down

until you get your stupid tenure

at your stupider college.

Absolutely. Yes, I will. Yes, of course!

You got it?

Excuse me! Excuse me!

We're not open.

- Can I help you?

- Yes. Hi.

We're looking for Ed Mulgrave.

- I wanted to introduce these people to him.

- Hi there.

He came to see me this morning.

- Ed Mulgrave?

- Yes.

But Ed Mulgrave died 15 years ago.

- Yes! That's awesome!

- What?

Dead for 15 years!

Ed's a ghost! Ha! Knew it!

I just saw him today... Oh.

He's...

So, who is this?

That's Ed's son. Ed Junior.

Okay. That's obviously who I meant. That's...

Hi, Junior. If I may, uh, when is the last time

the paranormal entity was actually seen?

And if you were to rank it, let's say between

probably a T1 and T5...

Garret here saw it on Tuesday,

and I believe it made him soil himself.

- Jesus.

- Wow. Soiling.

I'd put that at a T3.

T4, if it was poop.

- What?

- Unless you ate something weird.

Then it wasn't the ghost.

Kinda hard to suss that out

after the fact though.

I didn't soil myself.

He did. He called me sobbing, saying,

"Oh, my God, my pants are toast."

Did you happen to keep

a sample of the soiling?

A sample?

- Okay. All right.

- I'd love to get that back to the lab.

Well, uh, so I have

made the introduction.

- Yeah, thank you.

- There you go.

All right, well, how 'bout

you take us across the street.

I got to get in there, set up.

Let's go on a tour.

Uh...

You're gonna die in there.

Aldridge Mansion. Take one.

And we are rolling.

Checking the settings. We look good.

What is that?

Looks like one of those things

that makes cotton candy.

It's a PKE meter.

There's a ghost anywhere around here,

this baby's gonna find it.

Does it work?

Uh, yeah, it works.

I just haven't had the appropriate proximity

to an entity for it to work.

Strange reading here.

Ma'am, can you tell us where you got

the world's tiniest bow tie?

Uh, it came with the shirt.

Okay, somebody really doesn't

want us getting in that door.

Can you tell us what it's like

to walk around in those shoes all day?

- It's not fun.

- All right.

Oh, Holtzmann, check this out.

Hold your ponies.

All right. Good gag.

Hey, are you getting that?

Very funny.

Is everything a joke to you guys?

Just your mama.

No, actually, I think the world of your mom.

You guys put all that

gooey stuff on the floor.

You opened the basement door.

You tried to freak me out.

We did not open the basement door...

Basement door is open.

- I didn't open it. Did you open it?

- I did not open it.

You know what, it was probably Ed.

And the guy who didn't poop his pants.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Look over there.

I didn't even know it did that.

Oh. Ah.

- I... My ears just...

- Mine just popped, too.

That is definitely...

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