Ghosts Of Girlfriend Past Page #2

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any weirdness between you two.

- Connor, you remember Sandra?

- Yes, I do. How are you, Sandra?

You know, it's not too late

to get out, gorgeous.

He's joking.

And you know the bridesmaids.

Oh, yes, I do. Deena, Donna.

How are you?

- And, uh...?

- Denice.

- Nice to meet you, Denice. Ladies.

- Me too. How are you?

My groomsmen.

Guys, this is my brother, Connor.

- We've heard the stories, man.

- Oh, okay.

- An honor to be serving with you.

- And with you.

It's "mice" to "neet" you.

Damn it, I blew it.

Sorry to break up the bromance,

guys, but...

...I need you right here

where I can keep my eyes on you.

- Absolutely.

- Are we ready?

Yes, sorry, sarge.

Sarge?

Are they getting married by a cop?

Sergeant Major Volcom,

United States Marine Corps.

I am not a cop.

- Where'd you find this ray of sunshine?

- He's Sandra's dad.

Sarge, this is my brother, Connor.

Connor, this is the sarge.

He was ordained right after the war.

Little war called Korea.

Perhaps you've heard of it, slick?

Lost more men than Nam.

We didn't get a wall.

We didn't get a movie.

We got a sitcom with Alan Alda

which was all nonstop laughs...

...unless you were the one

watching his friends die.

The war's over, Dad. It was a tie.

You know, we should probably try

to keep going on schedule.

- Hua.

- Hua.

Following the kiss at 1530 hours,

on my mark...

...groom will take bride's left forearm...

...rotate 180 degrees,

orienting north by northwest.

Then I will announce you

as husband and wife.

Following which...

Following which,

you will live happily ever after.

Oh, Daddy.

- So sweet. Oh, my God.

- That is sweet.

- I'm surrounded by huggers.

- There we go.

- No, we're cool, man.

- Come on.

Hey, Uncle Wayne.

Ah, the world's a lot less fun

without you in it, buddy.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

No decorations in here. No.

No. No.

And, yes.

No.

- No! Wha...? What did...? What the...?

- Something wrong?

I got over 30 scented candles

in my room.

- Oh, the wedding scent is lavender.

- The wedding scent?

- And people wonder why I'm not married.

- Not really.

I mean, seriously, Jenny, my Uncle Wayne

is rolling over in his grave right now.

No, come on. Wayne loved a good party.

Party, yes. A wedding? No.

Back in the day that man used this place...

...for mind-numbing, clothing-optional,

weeklong orgies, okay?

Do you know Dean Martin

slept in that bathroom?

He drank from the bidet

and sang the Canadian national anthem...

...in Spanish.

- In Spanish.

- Yeah, I remember Wayne telling us that.

- Yeah. Now that, that was a party. Not this.

You know, people were taking bets

on whether or not you'd even show up.

- Miss my kid brother's wedding?

- That's what I said.

The whole a**hole thing you do

is to get insecure women to sleep with you.

- Deep down, you're a big sweetheart.

- Oh. Look who's got me pegged.

And there's the sarcasm to cover up

the accidental display of affection for Paul.

Hey.

I'm not covering anything up.

And I would also be more than happy to

take off the rest of my clothes to prove it.

Then there's the cheap sexual innuendo.

All the old Connor Mead tricks are back.

Well, don't worry,

your secret's safe with me.

I won't tell anyone you have feelings.

Hua!

Hua!

Oh, gosh.

- Okay. Yeah, it didn't work. Still nervous.

- Let's do another one.

- Sandy, what about him?

- Dan Palumbo. Married.

Oh. Kids?

What? They're not really married

unless they have kids.

Hua.

- Heard, understood, acknowledged.

- Sandy.

Save some liquor

for the rest of the guests.

- Bye, Mrs. Mead.

- Clean my room, pledge.

Slow down. Slow down.

- Hey.

- Here you are, sir.

If you can keep those coming

all night. Thank you.

And now we're off.

- Excuse me, Mr. Mead?

- Mm-hm.

I just wanna tell you,

I'm a huge fan of your work.

- Thank you.

- Gonna photograph your brother's wedding?

No. No, I'm not a wedding photographer.

- Right, but it's your brother.

- Right.

He's not good at taking pictures of people

with their clothes on.

- Look who's funny.

- It's not his specialty.

- Ah.

- Turn your phone off.

Connor Mead.

No, I would not like to cut my quota.

- Connor.

- Look, just tell him to go screw himself.

- Yeah, I said, tell him to go screw himself.

- Hey.

Like when a man and a woman...

I gotta go. Gotta go.

- Hi.

- Oh, my God.

- Sit down before you...

- Oh, my God.

- What?

- What is this?

- Endive arugula salad. You did well...

- No, no, no. The salad I ordered had figs.

Yeah, because fruit is the new crouton.

This is...

This is a disaster. My friends and family

didn't come all the way over here...

...to be met with some lackluster salad.

Where are the figs?

Excuse me, where are the figs?

Because I want some figs!

Sweetie? Sweetie. Hi.

- Hi. Hi.

- Hi.

Hi.

Okay, look, you're right, okay?

You did order figs.

But, uh, everyone seems

to be loving the salad, right?

- Anybody missing figs?

- The dressing is a panoply...

...of flavors.

- It's really good salad.

- A lot to recommend, this salad.

- Okay. Sorry.

- There she is. All right, she's back.

- I'm sorry, everyone. I just...

It's my wedding and...

Well, I'm not usually a massive b*tch.

- She kind of is.

- Ha, ha. Stop it.

I just really want everything

to start out perfectly.

I mean, I only plan on getting married

four or five times, tops.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, which reminds me, Connor.

Sandy and I wanted to know

if you would make a toast tomorrow.

What?

- Yeah. We'd like that.

- I know it's not really your thing...

...but it is kind of a tradition

for the best man to give a toast.

- Could be super short.

- Super long, whatever you want.

- They kidding? Are you kidding?

- Yes.

- No.

- Yes.

No, you're the only family I got here,

so I thought you could say something.

I don't think this is the best idea

you've ever had.

- I'm with Jenny.

- You can scrounge up a cousin...

No, no, no. Come on, you're my brother.

You're funny, you're articulate,

you're smart.

- True, true and true. Um, I'm flattered, but...

- lf you're not gonna take pictures...

...it's the least you can do.

- Who the hell is this guy?

- Who's that?

- Jeff.

I'm not toasting anyone tomorrow, okay?

I can't toast this.

- Come on.

- This always happens. All Scotch, no carbs.

Is there a bread basket? You know what,

let's talk about something else.

So, um, when do you catch your flight?

Paulie, you know where I come out

on all this, buddy.

To me, marriage is an archaic

and oppressive institution...

...that should a been abolished years ago.

And love? It's magical comfort food

for the weak and the uneducated.

Yeah, it makes you feel all warm

and relevant...

...but in the end, love leaves you weak,

dependant and fat.

- Yeah, that might not make the best toast.

- Are you saying I'm fat?

- No. Are you kidding?

- No, no, no.

No, sweetie, sweetie,

he's being funny, I think.

Better hold your next words

real close, Paco.

Believe me, all right? For Paul's sake,

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