Ghosts Of Girlfriend Past Page #3

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I wish I could believe in all this crap. I do.

And I also wish I could believe

in the Easter bunny...

...the missile shield,

and strippers with a heart of gold, all right?

But, unfortunately, I am condemned

to see the world as it really is.

And love? Love is a myth.

Oh, good. Because I was afraid you were

gonna make a really long, cynical speech.

Truth hurts, baby.

- Why don't you go?

- Yeah. Why don't I do that?

And I think I'll take my salad with me.

Mm. Some figs would've been nice.

This is gonna be tougher than I thought.

You got that right, kid.

Uncle Wayne?

Uncle Wayne.

- Uh...

- Ha, ha.

You're dead.

Players never die, Dutch.

They just try their luck at a different table.

Whoa, whoa.

Never touch a man

when he's hanging a wire.

You kidding me?

Oh, God.

Aqua Velva.

What are you...? What are you...?

What are you...? What are you doing here?

I'm here to warn you, kid.

Don't waste your life like I did.

What are you talking about?

You had a great life, man.

You're a legend.

The money, the parties, the women, you...

Listen, kid. When the music stops

and you're looking for your slacks...

...none of that stuff matters worth a lick.

Well, there was this one party. Um...

New Year's '68, Philippines.

Me, Stevie McQueen,

...and a pile of blow the size of a toaster.

Now that was a good night.

Aw. That sounds like a great night.

Oh, no, I've had a few laughs,

I've chased some tail but, trust me, Dutch...

...you don't wanna end up like me.

- What are you talking about?

- No, no. Save it for the sandman.

I've been watching you,

and you are definitely turning out like me.

Frankly, I mean, who could blame you?

But tonight...

Tonight, things are gonna change.

Tonight you're gonna be visited

by three ghosts.

You have got to be kidding me.

And you're gonna be forced to feel things

that you haven't felt for a long time.

Things like feelings, for example.

Remember, no matter how much it hurts,

it's all for your own good.

And the stuff that's not for your own good,

it's for my entertainment.

Look, Uncle Wayne, you...

Where'd he go?

All right, that didn't just happen. Okay.

Uh-oh.

Melanie! Melanie? Where are you?

I need you up here, all right?

Melanie! Melanie? Where are you?

I need you up here, all right?

Look, you are my assistant

and I need assistance.

Blue Label and give it wings, brother.

Call me.

You feel so real.

Well, they are, honey. A hundred percent.

I'm not sure what you've heard about me,

but I usually like to be bought a drink first.

- You're not who I thought you were.

- Vonda Volcom, mother of the bride.

Connor Mead, brother of the groom.

Please, sit, Vonda Volcom.

- Thank you.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Champagne for the lady.

- Lovely.

- So how long have you been divorced?

- I beg your pardon?

Please. I mean, you're ravishing.

No married woman your age

keeps her form this fine.

I've been divorced eight years now.

Sarge and I aren't talking just yet.

- It's juvenile and sad.

- Honey, stop right there.

It's not your fault, okay?

Marriage is a corrupt

and hateful institution.

I covered all of this earlier

at another table.

I wanna ask you something.

When did casual sex become a crime?

I mean,

nowadays being single means...

...what, you've lost your way?

That something is missing?

Never mind that every night

I swim in a lake of sex...

...and they fall asleep

in each others' arms, spooning.

Connor, spooning is nice.

Yeah, but not as nice as forking.

- Am I right?

- Ha, ha. It's true.

Hey, you know what the owner of this place

once told me?

He said, "Keep it light, Dutch.

Keep it light."

I never understood

why he called me Dutch...

...but I believe his wisdom still holds.

- That's nice.

- I like that.

- Mm.

Listen, darling, before we take this

to the next level, are we off-limits?

I mean, technically we're not family

until tomorrow.

I am extremely flattered.

But, yes, we are definitely off-limits.

That's a shame. I bet you know

your way around a bedroom.

You always talk to women like this?

Yes.

- Does it work?

- Yes.

Well, while I can't be of service to you,

I am sure that she can.

Blonde, six o'clock?

Blue dress, legs up to her chin?

That's the one. She's been eyeing you

the whole time we've been talking.

- It's been a real pleasure talking to you.

- Likewise.

You are truly an inspiration.

Hi. Excuse me.

I'm gonna steal her away just for a second.

Jenny, come with me.

I have to give you your maid-of-honor gift.

Remember that guy

I was telling you about, Brad?

No, no. I told you,

I do not want to be set up again.

I've been through it too many times.

Please don't make me.

That's Brad.

Okay, but this is the last time.

- How are my teeth?

- Clear. Perfect.

- Just try to play it cool. Just no big deal.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Brad. This is Jenny.

- Right. The hot, single doctor.

- Hi.

Paul and Sandra

have been talking about you.

I know what car you drive, where you

went to school, how many dogs you have.

That is right. You're both animal people.

What are the odds?

- So glad this isn't awkward.

- Right. Ahem.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. Brad loves

to run triathlons too. I know, right?

- Do you wanna go anywhere else?

- Yeah, I thought you'd never ask.

- Bye.

- You guys have a good time, you crazy kids.

- Hey, Connor.

- Hey.

How you been?

Well, I'm at a wedding,

I'm seeing ghosts in the john.

- I've been better.

- All right.

Well, what were you and Sandra's mom

talking about so intensely?

Casual sex.

So, what's your stance

on casual sex, bridesmaid?

On top. I mean... I'm for it.

Well, speaking of which,

I think I owe you an apology.

I've enjoyed the company

of all the other bridesmaids except you.

I mean, you must feel terribly left out.

I do.

Well, I do hope that there's some way

to rectify this injustice.

Well, you know what I always say is,

"To think globally, act locally."

Listen, before I, uh, commence

the launch code:

Are you the one my brother slept with?

Because I don't like to cross swords.

Wait, what? Your brother slept

with one of the bridesmaids?

Okay, I guess it wasn't you.

Okay, from now on, I don't cross swords.

Listen, forget I even brought it up.

Hey, why don't you scamper up

to my room, boil some water...

...get the chicken claw out of my suitcase,

do some light stretching...

...and I will be up in 5?

Chicken claw. Okay.

- Chicken claw.

- Okay.

Suitcase. Stretching. Scamper.

Five minutes.

And that's how it's done, son.

That is how it's done.

Does it work on guys?

Probably.

- Excuse me, mind if we take these seats?

- No, please.

- All right.

- Oh, hello there, friend.

- Hey.

- Connor Mead, brother of the groom.

- This is Brad.

- Frye. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

You must be the wedding sex

they flew in for Jenny here.

And, uh, you must be the wedding sex

they brought in for everyone else.

He's getting his little blush. He's gotten

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