Ghosts Of Girlfriend Past Page #4

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that ever since he was a kid. It's adorable.

Oh, honey, if I was jealous, why am I,

at this very moment, heading upstairs...

...to close out my hat trick

of bridesmaids?

Maybe you're terrified of being alone with

your empty hollow soul for even a minute.

- You got a live one here, Brad.

- Yeah, look, maybe I'd better go.

- No, Brad, you're staying.

- I'll go.

Run along, Connor.

There's a bridesmaid waiting

to be partially satisfied.

Absolutely.

Brad, it's a pleasure. I hope you enjoy

pillow fights, talking about your feelings...

...and sharing massages

with your clothes on.

Jenny.

Connor.

I know...

Brad. Guy probably irons his jeans.

Well, that's more like it.

And how is my little 6-foot,

legs-to-her-chin...

...blond-haired, blue-eyed,

Happy Meal of a bridesmaid?

- Hi, Connor! Ha, ha.

- Whoa!

- Have you missed me?

- Who are you?

What, you don't...? You don't remember?

Allison Vandermeersh?

Connor Mead...

...remembers me.

I can die now. I'm just kidding.

I'm totally kidding.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm like a ghost now.

Yeah, the ghost of girlfriends past,

in fact.

Oh, it tickles a little bit.

- There.

- Connor?

Really? You're gonna outrun a ghost?

We could do this all day, dude.

All right, you're not real.

No, you can't be. You're...

You're just a repressed memory,

activated by all the booze...

...and the trauma of Paulie getting married.

But you, you are not real.

- All right. Well, have a nice trip.

- Whoa.

See you next fall. Ha, ha.

- Is that real enough for you, dude?

- Whoa, watch it.

Be cool. All right,

what are you gonna do to me?

Oh, no, it's gonna be rad, okay?

I am gonna take you back

through all your past girlfriends...

...then you and I can figure out

how you got your head so far up your ass.

Ready, Freddie?

Ta-da!

Ta-da!

All right, what the hell's going on?

We're still at your Uncle Wayne's,

only now we're in 1982...

...which is, of course,

the summer of your first relationship.

Connor.

Oh. Look at how cute you were.

I wanna squeeze you.

- Yes!

- Oh.

And we knew who she was, of course.

Jenny Perotti.

I win, 1:
26 for you, 1:20 for me.

I beat you by 6.

No way. It's your birthday.

I let you win as your gift.

Uh-huh. Then what's that?

- Can they see us?

- No, we're ghosts.

Get out.

- Do you like it?

- Yeah, it's great.

- You're the best, Jenny.

- Really?

What else do you think of me?

Oh.

I don't know.

- You see how young they start?

- Shh. Watch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Line it up, buddy. Get in there.

This doesn't even look like you.

You look like a girl.

What, Connor?

This is my favorite part.

I'm gonna keep it forever.

- "I'm gonna keep it forever."

- I don't think I said that. Did you edit this?

I'm gonna keep it forever.

You sure that wasn't my brother?

He always said fruity stuff like that.

I'm gonna keep it forever.

Forever. Forever.

Okay, I get it. I said it.

I'm gonna keep it forever.

Not as dumb as he looks, folks.

- Go.

- Wait. This doesn't count.

I wasn't ready, cheater.

Mom and Dad.

This was the summer

before their car accident.

Look how happy they were.

The Lord is my Shepherd,

I shall not want. He maketh me...

Uncle Wayne, Paul and Jenny

were all you had left.

She knew you before you became...

...you.

All right.

All right, what's next?

Middle school? Really?

- You remember this, right?

- Pretty sure I intentionally blocked it out.

Whoo!

Surely we don't have time for this.

As you and Jenny got older, you

tried to make that super-tough transition...

...from being best friends

to maybe being boyfriend/girlfriend.

- This dance is so lame.

- Totally.

I don't know why, but there's something

creepy about the white-glove thing.

Oh, yeah.

Nice move.

Who's "ooh-ing" who,

Franklin Middle School?

I'm gonna slow it down right now...

...so guys, grab that special girl

and head on out to the dance floor.

Ask her to dance, man.

She's begging for it. Ask her.

- So...

- Jenny! Oh, my God, Jenny.

Neil just told Suzy that Pete Hastings

wants to slow dance with you.

Pete Hastings is totally gorge.

No, Pete Hastings is now bald and doing

Civil War reenactments on the weekends.

Yeah, and he's gonna wanna make out.

Yeah, and he's a ninth grader,

so that means tongue.

Oh, my God, I can't believe

how lucky you are. Pete Hastings.

Okay, I guess.

Yes! Ha, ha.

Yeah, but...

That dude used to get boners

in the gym shower. Don't sweat it.

But at least he didn't choke.

Hey, I didn't choke, all right?

I could've closed if I wanted to.

I was being a gentleman.

I can't breathe.

You know what? You didn't wanna

hit that anyway, little man.

Hey, kid. What's with the waterworks?

Jenny.

- Pregnant?

- No.

Crabs?

No.

Took her to the coat room,

found out she had a tenpin up her dress?

Don't worry, it happens to all of us.

Wait, what?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

So, what happened?

Jenny kissed Pete Hastings tonight.

Her first kiss. Now everything is ruined.

I don't even know

if we're gonna get married anymore.

Trust me, kid, you dodged a bullet.

You don't wanna be anybody's first kiss,

or their last.

Say what you will,

that man was a visionary.

You know he invented the word "MILF"?

What am I gonna do?

I've never felt this way before.

I feel like someone has punched me

straight in the stomach...

...and I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

God, I hate girls!

That's sissy talk.

Never talk like that

in the stabbing wagon.

- Uncle Wayne, where are your seat belts?

- Again with the sissy talk.

He never wore seat belts. Never.

Look, kid,

I'm, uh, sorry I raised my voice at you.

Being a parent ain't exactly

my chosen profession, you know?

I mean, I can't teach you algebra,

or camping, or even ethics.

But when it comes to dames...

...l've got a gift.

- Really?

Because I will do anything you say.

I never wanna feel like this again. Ever.

Okay, Dutch.

Never again.

Hang on.

- Are we in a bar?

- Think of it like a classroom.

Hiya, Tommy. Two Jacks. Up, please.

Dutch, try that old saddle out for size.

Don't look at them.

Dames, they're like horses.

They spook easy.

Cheers, Dutch.

Never soil your wingman.

- Sorry.

- You're learning on your feet.

You know, if we were actually out,

uh, chasing tail tonight...

...l'd turn your gaffe into a funny.

Girls, they love to laugh.

Especially at men.

Makes them feel more powerful, which

in turn makes them feel more comfortable.

Which in turn makes them prone

to massive errors in judgment...

...like, having sex with a complete stranger

in the port authority bathroom. Ha, ha.

But I'm not even supposed

to talk to strangers.

No, that's good, that's good.

No talking is good.

No phone numbers, no last names.

Hey, no first names if you can swing it.

Will somebody please

call Child Protective Services?

Shh. Quiet, the prophet speaks.

See, kid, an ugly broad, you might as well

take her out behind the shed...

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