Ghosts Of Girlfriend Past Page #5

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...and put one behind the ear.

That dog won't hunt.

But any dude with a johnson,

he's got a shot...

...because cool comes from the inside.

- God, I miss that man.

So here's a couple of tips.

When you first meet a girl, you give her

two compliments, above the neck.

You tell her she's got nice lips,

nice eyes, nice hair...

...she's intelligent, her moral ethics,

whatever crap comes to your mind.

Then, just when she begins to think

that you're another, you know...

...vanilla-nice guy that she can tool around

with all night without getting naked...

...you insult her. Flip the power dynamic,

and you let her know you're here to play.

- Well, Jenny said she doesn't like games.

- Forget about that broad.

- I thought all this was to get her back.

- That's why you gotta forget about her.

It's your feelings for her

that are killing your game.

If there's one thing

that you learn tonight, it's this:

The power of a relationship lies

with whoever cares less.

Amen to that, brother.

One day you're gonna wake up

with some chick, spooning...

...you know, thinking about love.

And at that moment,

you have gotta get up.

Do not walk, don't get your shoes,

run the hell out of there.

Because maybe not the next day

or the next week...

...but sometime in the future,

you're gonna get crushed. Again.

- You don't wanna feel that way, do you?

- No.

- No.

- Yep.

Okay, so, uh, let's get down

to brass tacks here.

Say I wanted to pick up

on that ice-cold blond at eight o'clock.

Eight o'clock? How did you even see her?

We'll deal with reflective surfaces

at another time.

Should I, uh, get a handful a daisies,

then go:

"Hi, you wanna go to the disco with me?"

Uh...

- No?

- No.

No, because I might as well say,

"I'm a fag. Let's be friends."

So, what would be a smart play?

Have some fun with it. What do you think?

I don't know. I mean...

...you could maybe

talk to the girl next to her?

You know, maybe make her feel jealous?

Hand to God, kid, I never felt

like you were my son until now.

Man, I don't know why we didn't have

this conversation years ago, huh?

Well, that's enough for one night.

Let's hit the bricks.

- But what about the blond?

- No, no, no.

- You gotta throw the small ones back.

- Come on.

- I mean, it just wouldn't be right.

- Please?

This elevator's going down.

Here we go.

Watch this move. Watch this move.

I gotta say, I remember

the ladies being a bit more glamorous.

And that, Dutch, is how it's done.

That's how it's done.

But you just struck out.

You know, just because she's not into that

doesn't mean I'm not.

I've got a gift.

Oh, well, hello, darling.

What took you so long? Hi.

And you were never the same.

Come on. Whoo!

Vicky's basement.

Yeah, I'd recognize that bachy smell

from anywhere.

Oh, I know, it smells good.

Oh, there's Jenny.

You didn't see her for two years

while you learned at the hand of the master.

Hey, Connor's here.

I, uh, got the new Poison.

It's Connor Mead.

I heard his uncle homeschooled

him in Vegas for the last two years.

Really? I heard it was Bangkok.

- Okay, it has been too long.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

- All right!

- Nice move, buddy.

- Yeah.

See, the worst part about your

uncle's advice was it actually worked.

Thank God, Uncle Wayne.

He so doesn't wanna talk to you.

He looks like Duran Duran, both of them.

Look, it's me.

Oh, my God, it's me, it's me. Ha, ha.

Oh, my God.

We dated for the next 39 minutes...

...and it was the best two-thirds of an hour

in my young life.

Look at how happy we were.

But, alas, our love was not meant to be.

I mean, you didn't get the girl

that you really loved...

...but you did get every other girl

in high school.

Starting with me that very night.

You remember that, your first time?

- No, no, no. I don't wanna see that.

- Oh, no, don't worry, it didn't last very...

It's over.

Connor Mead's first sex partner.

It's like, I feel...

I feel like Neil Armstrong.

It's really the only thing I could equate...

...you know, to what I did for you.

You know, him on the moon,

me with you, it's like he was the first.

You know, like,

Jenny was your first love...

...but you had to grow 12 inches of hair

before you saw her again.

Now, to my way of thinking,

every woman is beautiful in some way.

I just have to figure out how.

I've gotta see it, I've gotta frame it...

...l've gotta focus it.

And then I shoot it.

Yeah, and it's immortalized.

- Jenny, you want another Zima?

- Oh, no, I'm good, thanks.

Jenny Perotti.

Connor Mead.

- Hey.

- Hey, it's me.

- You look gorgeous, darling.

- Oh.

Thank you, darling.

Uh, ladies, you're gonna have to excuse me

for a moment.

I must buy a drink for the girl who blew

me off for Pete Hastings in high school.

- I didn't blow you off, you choked.

- I was slow playing you.

- You choked.

- Excuse us for...

Slow playing me?

For what, 10 years? Please.

All right, maybe I choked.

- So... Yeah.

- Jenny Perotti.

What are you doing with all the women?

I work for Herb Ritts.

You know, the famous photographer?

- You're a photographer?

- I am.

- I gave you your first camera.

- You sure did.

- So, what are you...? What are you doing?

- I'm a doctor.

- Well, first-year resident, but...

- Yeah.

- But Herb Ritts. God, that's impressive.

- Yeah, I'm his second shooter.

- That's great.

- I bank north of 150K a year.

- It's totally killer, I love my job. Hector.

- Yeah?

- I can't believe you just said that.

- I can't believe I just said that either.

You told me your salary, and then

spoke Spanish to the old white guy.

- You're totally cheesy now.

- Get out. I am not.

- You gonna try to get me in the sack now?

- I'm the same old Connor.

Damn right I'm gonna try

and get you in the sack now.

Look at you, you are gorgeous.

What did you think?

I was inviting you over here to have a drink

just to see how you been?

- How have you been?

- Great.

Pete Hastings and I are still together,

madly in love.

- Damn it. I knew it.

- We live in a split-level in Jersey. It's love.

- That son of a b*tch.

- Lot of slow dancing, making out, tongue.

And every now and then

I put on the red dress...

No, pink. Pink dress.

...let him cup my bottom.

- The hot-pink dress.

- What?

That's the dress you were wearing when

you were dancing with Pete instead of me.

Hey, Jen?

We're leaving.

But we can wait...

Um...

Nope. I'm going, thanks.

- Whoa, just like that?

- Well, it was great seeing you.

- Jenny.

- Take care.

- Hang on a second.

- Come on.

You gotta at least give me your number.

- No, I don't.

- Yes, you do, doc.

I have a medical condition that I need to see

you about, and by law you have to help me.

- What's your medical condition?

- Broken heart.

Come on. Come on, we'll go out.

We'll have fun.

We'll have a little dinner,

have a little sex.

- Okay, okay, just sex.

- How about just dinner?

Fine. Suit yourself.

He's all yours, girls.

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