Ghosts Of Girlfriend Past Page #7

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- Why?

- Women.

Oh.

- Say it isn't so.

- They're so weird.

- Yeah, somebody is enjoying this a little bit.

- Ha, ha. Are you kidding me?

Connor Mead, cleaning up his own mess.

I am loving it.

You know what? I'm sorry.

It's a cake.

There'll be a bakery open in town.

I'm not talking about this.

I'm talking about us. You know?

How it played out.

You're actually apologizing, aren't you?

Okay, we don't need

to make a production out of it, now.

How are things looking? Spick-and-span?

Any more spots?

You know, it was probably,

in some small way, partially my fault.

- I was always attracted to a**holes.

- Thank you very much.

Well, you know what I mean, though.

Projects. Guys that I thought I could fix.

Probably has something to do

with my dad.

- Probably.

- After you left, I made a vow to myself...

...to date only fully functional,

well-adjusted men.

- No more works-in-progress. No dirtbags.

- So basically, women.

Basically women.

So how strong of a vow

is your no-dirtbags policy?

I had it tattooed on my ass.

- Can I see?

- No.

- Wait, what are you doing?

- What?

- What?

- What am I doing? Wha...?

Okay, look. I know I dropped the ball

before a bit, but I have changed, I swear.

- No, you haven't.

- No, I have.

Jenny, I'm seeing things

in a whole different way tonight.

All right? I love you. I think.

I mean, I always have.

- You're the one I was supposed to be with.

- Wait, Connor, stop it. Just...

I hear what you're saying,

and I think right now you actually believe it.

- Yeah.

- But I know you.

Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up.

You won't be there.

Okay, but, Jenny, I really, really don't

wanna be alone tonight, you know?

- Okay. No, I get it.

- Will you please stay with me?

Seriously!

Jenny, I've got ghosts in my bedroom!

- Hello, Connor.

- Aah!

Dude.

What does a girl have to do

to get laid at this wedding?

Yeah. Four Seasons, please.

- Come on, start. Aah!

- Where do you think you're going?

Oh, Mel. God, you don't know

how happy I am to see you.

Aah!

Really, did you learn nothing

from the last ghost?

- You're the ghost of girlfriends present?

- Mm-hm.

- That makes no sense.

- Oh, tell me about it.

But as sad as it is,

I'm the only consistent woman in your life.

So here I am,

just working on the weekend. Again.

But we never...

I mean, you...

- You're totally gay, right?

- What?

You're not?

No. There was just one time in college.

I went to Barnard.

- Okay.

- I had no choice.

Hey, I'm sorry, Mel.

If I'd have known,

I would of hit on you a lot sooner.

Aw. Ha, ha.

- Ow! What was that for?

- Because tonight, I'm the boss.

You ready?

What are you doing?

Aren't we gonna, like,

fly off or something?

It's the present, you idiot.

We're here already.

Mel.

- Okay, no. That is not what I said.

- I don't care.

He's a beautiful piece of a man.

Hey, look at how much fun they're having

now that you're gone.

- He's not shallow.

- Shallow?

Honey, he spends every Christmas alone

at the Knicks game.

Yeah, he is all surface.

Yeah, but in his defense,

it's a really hot surface.

- Well, yeah.

- Okay, he's not that bad.

- Thank you, Paulie.

- Paul, he hit on your mother in law.

- I've banged worse.

- Thank you, Vonda.

Oh!

You guys just don't know him like I do.

You don't.

You know, that guy practically raised me.

I was 2 when our parents died.

Connor was just 7.

You know, at an age when he's supposed

to be a kid, he's busy taking care of one.

He taught me how to read.

He taught me how to ride a bike.

He beat the crap out of any kid

who ever teased me.

You know, he always said,

"Paulie, it's you and me against the world."

My point is, I had the opportunity

to be a nice kid and Connor didn't.

Now, I know he seems like a joke

to you guys...

...and trust me, you all have fair points,

but that guy is the only family I've got.

And if there's one thing family does...

...it is believe, against all odds,

in the best of each other.

I love him.

And as long as I live,

I'll believe he can change, because he's...

He's my big brother.

I'm gonna call my brother.

It's been a while.

Of course,

that doesn't mean anything to you.

Because love doesn't exist, right?

It's just, "magical comfort food

for the weak and uneducated"?

Wow, that is as close as I will ever come

to feeling something for Connor Mead.

- Kudos.

- I saw you chatting him up at the bar.

Well, I still wanna do him,

but now I'll be scrumping a tragic figure.

Ooh, like when Denice hooked up

with Gary Coleman at Lollapalooza.

I was drunk

and he had such delicate hands.

Denice, you think that's bad? I mean,

look at what Connor is doing to poor Jenny.

He has got that girl so twisted up

into a pretzel...

...she can't even appreciate

that fine slice of wedding beefcake...

...that Sandy has flown in for her.

Hua! Ha, ha.

Heard, understood, acknowledged?

Jenny, she's just...

Jenny.

- Oh, Jesus. Is she okay?

- What do you think?

Jenny?

Oh, of course.

Sensitive Brad to the rescue.

Now, wait a second, are you actually trying

to repair this wedding cake?

Maybe.

- I mean, a little.

- I used to moonlight as a pastry chef.

- Tell me this guy's gay.

- He's not. Trust me.

- Really?

- No. Not really.

You wanna talk about it?

As your designated wedding sex,

everything you say is privileged.

No, I just...

I mean, it's been like a decade

since Connor and l... You know.

But I see him again, and I am just right back

to where I was before.

My attending in med school used to say

that doctors never break up...

...we just go into remission. We're naturally

drawn to the most hopeless patients.

The irredeemably screwed up.

The terminal cases.

- We get the point, Brad.

- It's just embarrassing, you know?

I think you only really

get over somebody...

...when you find somebody else

that you care about more.

All right, this is a nightmare.

I'm bringing them together.

- This is a mess.

- He's really cute too.

No, no, no. No way.

Jenny doesn't go for guys like this.

No, clearly not. Come on, let's go.

No, no, no. Now hang on.

Let's see how this plays out.

Okay. You're the boss.

Really?

- Such a shvantza.

- What the hell was that fo...?

I just can't believe he broke up with us

on a conference call.

How did he fool all of us?

Yeah, but the weirdest thing, really...

...it seems like he wanted us

to fall in love with him.

And once we did, or thought we did,

he just disappeared.

How messed up is that?

Come on, Kiki. Don't cry.

At least Connor brought us

all together, right?

Hey, there we go, Charlece.

That's the winning attitude, huh?

Way to look on the bright side.

You've already got new relationships,

new friendships, right?

Here we go.

It's so exciting to have people over.

Martini?

- Oh, this is your apartment?

- Liquor, good.

Mel.

I've got apple, bubble gum or tandoori.

I know it sounds gross,

but drink two of them...

...and you won't be able

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