Ghosts Of Girlfriend Past Page #8

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to feel your face. Cheers.

You brought them together?

Come on. Don't be sad, you whiny b*tches.

Connor's not worth it.

He's like the Tin Man.

He was born without a heart.

And, ladies, know this:

That wherever

Connor lays his head tonight...

...when the sun comes up in the morning,

he will be all alone.

- Well, I'll drink to that.

- I feel much better.

So how you holding up, Dutch?

- Not too great.

- Yeah.

Why do all these women hate me?

You know, I don't hate them.

Woman love to be screwed,

they just don't like to be screwed over.

I know, it's annoying.

Yeah. I mean... Look, all right,

maybe I've hurt a few women in my time.

A few women? Dutch, please.

Don't con a con man.

- Oh, is this weather tricks?

- No tricks, Dutch.

These are all the lady tears

that have been shed for you in your life.

And these...

These are the tissues they used

to dry those tears.

And these are the chocolates you sent.

Right. You don't send chocolates.

They go straight to the hips.

Right.

And these are all the condoms you used.

No.

No! No! No!

- No, don't!

- Get off! Get off!

- Don't! You're out of control!

- Shut up!

Man, oh, man.

You guys are not gonna believe

what just happened to me in my car.

Is this about the cake?

This is not about the cake. This is about

the fact that Paul slept with Donna.

Information that you so kindly shared

with Denice earlier tonight.

Come on. All right, number one,

that was years ago.

There seems to be some debate

about the time line.

No, there is no debate. We were going out.

We were together.

- You cheated.

- We had just met. But you're right.

You're right. That's not important. What's

important is that I hurt you. Listen, baby...

You know what? Don't "listen, baby" me.

You had sex with her...

...and then you didn't even tell me.

I mean, what else don't I know about you?

Nothing. Nothing. There is nothing else.

Okay, I am so sorry.

Sweetie, I never meant to hurt you.

Cool. Right there. Hey, he said it.

He's sorry. He means it. Case closed.

"Case closed." Because one apology

makes everything all better, right, Connor?

No, Jenny. What makes it okay

is that Paul still clearly loves her.

Oh, you're the expert on love.

You don't even believe in it.

If I can tell that you two love each other,

then you must really love each other.

You know I do, honey.

I love you so much.

That girl's been acting like a mental patient

for 12 hours. He's still here.

- Shut up.

- The point is...

...how does she even trust him anymore?

Whoa, are you talking about my brother,

or are you talking about me?

Let's not forget, this all went down

with your dear friend Donna over there.

A fact your little estrogen lynch mob

seems to have forgotten.

Seriously, if you ruled out marrying anyone

that your bridesmaids have slept with...

...you're gonna have to go abroad

to get a husband.

Go to hell, Connor.

- Sandy...

- Paulie, come on...

- Connor, I want you to leave.

- You better air these things out...

Connor, leave!

God, you have done nothing

but make this weekend worse for everyone.

- Sandy!

- Paulie!

Hey, come on. Hey, Paulie.

Hey, hey, man. Look, I'm sorry.

They were right.

I never should have invited you.

You know, for years

I keep trying to convince myself...

...there's something redeemable in you.

I'm done. There isn't.

I was just trying to get your back

in there, okay?

- It's you and me against the world, right?

- You don't wanna be here.

And nobody wants you here.

So just go. Jus... Please?

Sandy!

I know I've got

one more ghost left on my contract...

...but I've been asked

to leave the premises!

So if you want me, come on!

Of course, I wouldn't mind seeing

my future girlfriends.

Frankly, that was the ghost

I was most looking forward to!

But whatever!

Whoa.

Are you my future girlfriend?

Would you like to be?

Oh, hell, no.

I get married?

Oh.

Okay, this could work.

As a matter of fact, this may be all right.

Brad?

No.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

And now, if anyone here knows any reason

why these two should not be wed...

- I do.

- let them speak now...

No, Jenny,

you're supposed to be with me.

She was always supposed to be with me.

No. Don't do this. This is wrong. No.

No! I'm here. I'm here.

Jenny. I'm here. No.

No!

Oh, Paulie.

No wedding ring.

Wait a minute. He didn't get married?

Why?

Me?

What did I do?

You don't say much, do you?

Looks like we're, uh, all here.

Let's begin.

Lord, we are gathered here today

to lay to rest Connor Mead.

Connor Mead was a great man

and a great friend of the Church.

- There's only one person at my funeral?

- That's the way it works, Dutch.

Guys like us...

...we don't get the big funeral.

I didn't expect big, Uncle Wayne,

but this is ridiculous.

Yeah, I don't know how

to soften this one for you, Dutch. Uh...

Nobody's really gonna miss you.

Before the burial, would you like to say

a few words about the deceased?

Connor Mead...

...was a lot of things to a lot of people.

Not all of them good things...

...but to me he was a great brother.

Guess it's just me against the world now.

No, it's not, Paulie. No, it's not.

Look, it doesn't have to happen like this.

- It's not gonna happen...

- Nothing you can do about it, Dutch.

You made your bed, now you gotta bang

whatever crawls into it.

That's what I keep trying to tell you.

What can I say?

Life, you know,

it's like a quick cup of coffee.

You haven't got the guts

to love someone with all you got...

...then you end up drinking alone.

- No. No, Uncle Wayne...

- Sorry, kid. Party's over.

- Aah!

- Ladies, let's take it away.

- Whoa.

No! No! I can change! I swear!

No! No!

I can change! I swear! I can change! Aah!

I'm alive.

I'm alive!

You there, young man. What day is it?

Is it Christmas?

No, it's Saturday, you moron.

That's the day of my brother's wedding.

All right, I haven't missed it, thank God.

Let's get ready for nuptials!

Hey, hey, Paulie. Hey. Hey.

- Did I miss the wedding?

- No. You got your wish.

- Sandra called it off.

- What?

- Why?

- Why do you think?

- The thing I let slip about Donna?

- Yeah.

No, no, no. You can't split up.

You are meant

to spend the rest of your lives together.

- You're gonna be miserable without her.

- You can be a real sarcastic prick.

I am not being sarcastic, okay?

Where's Sandra?

Sarge is taking her and the bridesmaids

to the airport. It's over.

No.

No, no, no.

Whoa.

Sandra!

What are you doing?

Whoo! Whoo!

Aah! No seat belts!

Sandra!

Hey!

Sandra, you're making a huge mistake!

Was that Connor?

Sandra!

Come on.

Oh, sh*t.

- Dad, stop!

- Aah!

Sarge, stop.

- Is that Connor?

- You could a killed us back there.

- Sandra, lock the door. Get away.

- Sandra.

- Sarge, I need to talk to your daughter.

- Over my dead body, Paco.

All right? Relax.

Oh, my God.

- I'm sorry, sir. I've come too far. Sandra.

- Sandra, stay in the car.

Did he just lock us...?

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