Gigli

You see, after all is said and done...

the only thing you can be really sure of...

the only thing

you can really count on in this world...

is that you just never f***ing know.

I bet the last thing

you were thinking about...

when you were tying your shoelaces

this morning...

was that there was a chance...

that by the end of the day, this day...

those same shoelaces

were going to be untied...

by somebody working

for the coroner's office.

Am I right?

I'm right, right?

Hey! Get the f*** out of here!

What, you wanna know about this?

Get out of here!

Take that sh*t to the dry cleaners.

Now!

Sorry. Long day. Where was I?

You know, the human body is,

like, 80% moisture, right?

How much do you weigh? 165? 170?

Now, I figure

if you could somehow extract 80% of that...

you'd have, give me a second...

thirty-four pounds...

of, like, solid...

not meat...

It'd be more like beef jerky, you know?

But with hair and bones and teeth...

shriveled-up tattoos and whatnot.

Probably be like this big.

In any event,

you're starting to follow my drift here, "papi"?

Because somebody has some money

that belongs to Louis.

Is it you, perchance?

Is it you that has some money

that belongs to Louis?

No.

- No? Sure?

- Yeah.

I'm gonna start this thing and leave.

What do you think?

Permanent press or delicate?

Wouldn't be appropriate if I asked you

if you had change for a dollar.

I got it.

Calm down. I just need four quarters.

No. I got Louis' money.

You got it.

Yeah, I do.

I got some of it, anyways.

No, this isn't what we talked about.

Now, this is... It was f***ing simple.

- You been breaking the contract.

- Right.

It's simple. I give you, you give me.

You don't give me. It's a breach of contract.

You're f***ing up.

What do you think I'm out here for?

I'm asking you a question.

What do you think I'm here for?

- Louis, I'm scared now.

- You're scared now? I don't give a f***.

I told you not to let this get out of control.

What'd I tell you? I told you that, right?

Listen, here's what you're gonna do for me:

You're gonna come see me tomorrow

and you're going to bring me something.

Okay, you hear me?

- Yes, I do.

- Something to scale, all right?

Otherwise I can't talk to you no more.

All right?

I'm gonna have to send Gigli over.

He's gonna have to settle up with you.

You come to me tomorrow

or he goes to you. Very simple.

- I'll be here tomorrow.

- That's good.

- I'm not kidding.

- Get the f*** out of here.

- Okay.

- Get the f***... Go, you f***ing...

F***ing roach.

F***ing class of people.

- I'm in Siberia around here.

- I know.

F*** this city.

I don't know how you guys cut it out here.

It's Gigli, by the way.

- What?

- My name is...

pronounced Gigli. It rhymes with really.

- Is that right? Is that so?

- Yeah.

All right.

I'll remember that for the next time, then.

Meanwhile, you got something

for me, Gigli? Rhymes with really.

It's about half.

- Half?

- Half for today.

Believe me, that's all the guy had.

It's better than nothing.

How about it's not better than nothing,

you f***ing idiot?

Better is f*** the money

then you hurt him as to spread the word.

Since when are you authorized

to make policy decisions?

I'm sorry, Louis. I didn't know.

Are you all they got to offer around here?

You're supposed to be

this vicious, f***ing mad dog.

I'm sorry.

Walk with me.

There is a certain individual...

who is creating very substantial difficulties

for a dear friend of mine in New York.

Now, this certain party...

is very bullheaded

and seems to be removed...

from what I would like to call

my sphere of influence.

- All right, how can I help?

- The plot needs a twist.

The individual needs to be touched

in some manner as to...

convince him of the error of his ways

before he can hurt other people...

- particularly my friend from New York.

- Right.

Now, this certain individual, he's got...

a beloved relative

with certain psychological defects.

I want the relative gotten, all right?

And I want him, for the time being,

held on to.

Perhaps then reason can prevail.

- You're following all this?

- Yeah, all of it.

Got it.

All right. Wait.

- Where is he?

- Over there.

Right there? That's him?

All right. Thanks.

I'm all right. You can go outside.

I'm okay. Thanks.

Are you Brian?

I know you're Brian.

Your friend ratted you out back there.

Hello?

What are you eating there?

What do you got?

- What are those, polly seeds?

- They're not. You're stupid.

I'm stupid.

- They look like polly seeds to me.

- They're sunflower seeds.

That's the same thing.

We called them polly seeds

when I was a kid.

You must be the stupidest person,

you piss-head, pisser-f***er.

Me and you, we're supposed

to go for a quick walk. You ready?

We'll take a walk around the block.

What do you say?

I won't give anybody my seeds.

Barry always asks

why I don't give anybody any.

Don't worry about it. Keep those.

That's for you, okay?

Let's go. We're gonna take a walk. Come on.

What did that?

He's kidding.

Sorry about that. All right, look...

it's real simple.

You and I are gonna go outside

and take a little walk.

I won't grab you again, okay?

I have to go to the Baywatch.

I'm sorry, what?

I have to go to the Baywatch.

I was gonna go.

You wanna watch "Baywatch"?

Roll by my apartment,

we'll turn on "Baywatch".

You're the stupidest person.

Not television. The Baywatch.

The Baywatch?

- Yeah, the Baywatch.

- Okay.

Can I go?

- You wanna go now?

- To the Baywatch.

Yeah. I'm going there. I was on my way.

- Yes, I would.

- All right.

Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Okay, I gotta get my radio.

- The music's gonna be good there.

- Okay, good.

Baywatch!

Here we come.

Wait a minute.

You hear that, now? What is that?

- You hear that?

- No.

Yep, it's my walkie-talkie calling.

Yeah, hello?

I told you, don't ever bother me again

when I'm taking trips with my friends.

What? No, we're going to the Baywatch.

Yep, that's right, the Baywatch.

No. Holy mackerel.

Would you know

when they'll be open again?

We'll call you tomorrow for the update.

How do you like that?

Baywatch is closed today.

- No.

- Tomorrow we'll go.

I can't believe it.

This always happens like that, right?

When you plan a big trip.

Hello there. P.O.B.

What does that mean?

P.O.B. Limo drivers say that.

That's good. What does it mean?

P.O.B. Passenger On Board.

- Already?

- Yeah, already.

That's good.

You headed back to your place?

- I am.

- Good.

- We'll talk later.

- Yeah, we'll talk later.

Come on in. It's all right. I don't bite.

You hungry? I got food.

You thirsty?

I want a soda.

You want a soda? I'm out of soda.

Want a water?

You want a water? I'll get you a water.

All right. How is that? Good?

- I wanna go home.

- All right, you got to stay here for a little bit.

No, I wanna go home.

No, we got to stay here.

Can't do it right now.

So maybe you wanna watch TV or cartoons?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes