Gigli Page #2

I wanna go home.

- We got to stay here.

- No.

Brian, what are you doing?

- Take me home now.

- Stop.

- F*** all of you! You stupid soup-f***er!

- What?

- Don't do that, motherf***er!

- What's wrong with you? Cut that out.

- Cut it out! Stop! Be quiet!

- I'm going to the Baywatch.

All right.

Where are my seeds?

They're sunflower seeds, idiot.

They're right there.

- They're sunflower seeds.

- Behind you. Right there.

Stay here.

Everything's fine. Just kidding around.

- Hello.

- Hi.

May I be of some assistance?

Well, that remains to be seen.

Look, I'm sorry to bother you. It's just...

I was wondering if it wouldn't be

too much trouble if I could use your phone.

- That's...

- Right.

I just took a one-bedroom in the front...

and I've been waiting all day for

the phone company to come hook me up.

- You know...

- Yeah, it's just kind of a bad...

It'll only take a second, I promise.

You know, it's probably a local call.

I can't. I'm sorry.

I'll be in and out before you know it.

I promise.

Just leave a faint scent.

Yeah, all right. Come on in.

- Thank you.

- Sure.

The phone's right there.

- I promise it'll only take a minute.

- All right.

Hello.

What are you doing?

Go sit down in the kitchen.

These computer answering things,

they drive me nuts.

- You're making a telephone call.

- Right, she's making a telephone call.

Don't call Baywatch

because they're closed today.

I wouldn't think of it.

I'm sorry, I got to ask.

Do we know each other?

Not yet.

I'm Ricki.

Larry Gigli, right?

- I saw it on the mailbox.

- Yeah, it's pronounced Gigli.

Rhymes with really.

- It's nice to meet you, Larry Gigli.

- Nice to meet you, Larry.

What's your name?

Bob.

- You're stupid. That's not my name.

- That's not your name?

- What is your name, sweetie?

- That's it. His name's Bob.

- His name's not Bob.

- Your name is Bob.

Whatever your name is...

has anyone ever told you

you're a very handsome young man?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

In private.

I can't f***ing believe this.

It's an unexpected bonus. Who'd have

thought you were a babe magnet?

- You're better than a dog.

- You're a dog, you dog-head piss-fart!

Whatever.

You know,

I heard you were a bit of a fuckup.

But I gotta tell you, I'm frankly amazed

at how much of a fuckup you actually are.

- Am I missing something here?

- It would seem so.

Why don't you call Louis

and he'll explain everything to you.

I don't know that I know any Louis.

Then I guess he hasn't called you

to tell you he doesn't trust you...

with a task of this magnitude.

That he feels the stakes are too high.

- Nope.

- "Nope."

I guess he also probably

hasn't called to tell you...

that he'd feel more comfortable if there were

two independent, unacquainted...

perhaps even mutually hostile

contractors working on this...

so they could keep an eye on one another.

Nope. There's no reason

for you to take my word...

for precisely

how second-rate he considers you.

It'd probably make both our lives a lot easier

if you just heard it directly from him.

That's good stuff. I had that today.

- Excuse me one minute.

- Sure.

Louis, you there?

I'm here. What do you want?

Yeah, there's this...

young lady here trying to tell me that...

All right, this thing is monumental.

Certainly too big for a jerk-off like yourself,

but I had no choice.

This thing represents my ass and my future.

I want you to work with her and I want you

to watch her as she will be watching you.

I want you to know...

that I will personally excoriate

anyone responsible...

for the tiniest fuckup in this action.

- And I want you to understand that.

- Yes, Louis.

"Yes, Louis"?

Do you happen to know

what "excoriate" means?

It's not coming to me at the moment.

It means "to strip or wear off the skin of...

"to flay."

I'm learning a word a day. And it's critical

to use these words in conversation...

but that's not why I used it

in this conversation.

In this conversation

I used it because I meant it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be going now.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Now don't get yourself all tied in a knot.

Okay? I don't know this guy,

and he doesn't know me.

But my reputation apparently is pretty solid.

So why don't you just get yourself straight...

and we can put this whole thing behind us.

And if you have

any decaffeinated or herbal tea...

I would really be most appreciative.

- I want tea.

- Two teas.

Let me tell you something, okay?

I don't know who the f*** you think you are,

but I don't work like this.

You got that?

If you wanna talk about reputations...

and if by some f***ing miracle long shot

you haven't heard of my reputation...

let me tell you who the f*** I am.

I am the f***ing Sultan of Slick, Sadie.

I am the Rule of f***ing Cool.

You wanna be a gangster?

You wanna be a thug?

You sit at my f***ing feet. Gather the pearls

that emanate forth from me.

Because I'm the f***ing original,

straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack...

f***ing hustler,

original gangster's gangster.

I don't know what you're talking about,

but I'm gonna get my stuff.

And don't you worry your little

gangster's gangster head about it...

I can manage.

How many cups of your own spit

you think you swallow every day, Larry?

I think about 35 cups.

- Would you just shut the f*** up.

- You're an idiot!

- What is it with you?

- No, you.

- What, you just go in and out?

- You're an idiot.

- What the f*** are you talking about?

- You're the f***, you stupid duck-f***.

Do me a favor

and just act f***ing normal for a minute.

- Looks like...

- Just for a minute.

You'll end up with Elliot over there.

I know you understand

what I'm talking about. F***ing be normal.

- I'm telling you...

- Not f***ing crazy! Normal!

How about if I smack you

in the f***ing head?

Leave him alone. We're supposed

to watch him, not slap him around.

Don't tell me what we're supposed to do.

How about this?

You leave him alone or I'll kill you.

You'll kill me? F*** you! Go ahead.

I'll kill you.

You don't tell me what to do. Okay?

Don't tell me what we might do.

Don't tell me what we're supposed to do.

Don't tell me what we maybe should do.

Don't ever tell me nothing!

I'll tell you this,

you leave him alone or I'll kill you.

I'm gonna say 35 cups.

I'm gonna say 35 cups of spit.

I'm a genius. I'm a genius, man.

- What's he talking about?

- I don't know.

Look, why don't we try

and make this pleasant.

Nice.

Easy.

So, what do you normally hire out for?

I do jobs of various types.

- How about yourself?

- Me, too.

I do various types of jobs of various kinds.

There you have it.

How come I never seen you around before?

I'm from another place.

Where would that be, Ricki?

Somewhere else, Larry.

Okay. I see.

- And my name's not really Ricki.

- And what would it be, then?

Then how about I keep calling you Ricki

just to piss you off?

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