Gigli Page #3

- Lf it'll make you happy.

- Yeah, it will.

- This isn't very good food.

- Too bad. That's your dinner. Eat it.

- I'm hungry.

- F***.

- He said he's hungry.

- So? Let him eat his food.

- I don't like this food.

- Too bad! Eat your food, stupid!

Back off! God! It's not his fault.

Yeah, it's not my fault I'm brain-damaged.

Beautiful. What are you, his shop steward?

Listen, you f***ing retard, eat your...

- Enough! Easy already.

- Not enough.

- What is your...

- Let me tell you something.

In every relationship

there's a bull and a cow.

It so happens that in this relationship

right here with me and you...

I'm the bull, you're the cow.

All right? Bull. Cow.

- You got that?

- Yeah, I got it. Bull, cow.

You make him something else to eat.

Otherwise, mind your business.

I wanna go home.

You can't go home.

- I wanna go home.

- You can't go home right now!

- Eat your food!

- Piss you! I want to go home!

How you gonna go

to the Baywatch tomorrow if you go home?

This is your spot. Yeah?

It's nice. Come on. Lie down.

This is a couch.

Don't worry about it. It's fine.

It's a good sleeping place. Lie down.

Larry, read to me.

- What?

- Read to me, Larry.

Read to him, Larry.

I don't wanna read to him.

What do I got to read to him for?

Read to me, Larry.

- What for?

- It soothes me down.

- It soothes you down?

- Come on, Larry, read to him.

- What am I gonna read? I got nothing here.

- Read him a book.

You don't have a book?

- I got a phone book.

- There you go.

- Read to me, Larry.

- All right, fine.

Here you go.

"Since 1868.

"For well over a century,

the adventurous flavor of Tabasco sauce...

"has fired up generations of thrill-seekers."

- Okay?

- That was good.

Read to me more.

"Lts all-natural ingredients and

unique aging process in white oak barrels...

"keeps Tabasco

on the culinary cutting edge.

"Try it on eggs, pizza, salads,

and any other food...

"for a burst of flavor

that will tantalize your taste buds." That's it.

- Read to me more.

- That's it.

I'm not reading the ingredients. I'm done.

- Okay, thank you, Larry.

- Sure.

Tell you what, no offense...

you don't look like any contractor

I ever met.

Apparently, there's a need for all types.

So listen.

You know, I was thinking

about what you said before...

about us being stuck in this situation.

There's nothing we can do.

I think you're right.

We might as well make the best of it.

I think so.

So, you know, look,

don't take this the wrong way, believe me.

But I just... This is, you know...

I hate to see you sleep on the floor like that.

I mean, come on.

So if you want to,

you can go ahead and just, you know...

just take half of my bed.

'Cause we're working together.

We're grownups, right?

You know, we're partners. We'll just...

do the whole thing professionally.

That's very kind of you. Thank you.

I mean, I'd love to.

You know, professionally.

Please.

How's that professionally? You like that?

That's professional. Right here.

Bull. Cow. That's how that works.

There's your bull right there!

There's your bull.

There's the horn.

You f*** with the bull, you get the horn.

That's professional.

F***ing professional.

Look at that.

That's the bull. Right.

Get the bull by the horn.

You know what I'm talking about?

I'll give you the horn. Want to see the horn?

You know...

you're actually a very attractive woman.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You know, this may be a good time

to suggest...

that you not allow the seeds of cruel hope

to sprout in your soul.

I don't know what that means,

but it sounds beautiful.

It means you're not my type.

Is that right?

What about me is not your type?

Your penis.

What does that mean?

It means I'm gay.

It means I'm a lesbian.

But I got to tell you, if I wasn't...

I mean, after a first date like this,

I'd find it really hard...

not to just get under the covers

and do you bigtime right now.

Good night.

"Good night"?

Whoa, Step-papa.

With that sassy new look...

sheep's all that and a bag of chips.

Melbourne's forecast. ;

The chance of a brief shower tomorrow...

but we're expecting a mostly fine day with

a light-to-moderate southwestwardly wind.

Who the f*** are you talking to?

Sydney also fine and 18.

Brisbane, showers...

Give me that back, please.

- Sunny, 32.

- Give me that.

Adelaide and Hobart both

mainly fine days tomorrow. Around our...

You know how much this sh*t costs?

- It's $5.

- No, it's not $5.

- It's $10.

- No, it's...

Why am I even talking to you for?

- It's $10.

- Yeah, it's $10. All right.

Just wanted to tell you, you know,

just get straight about that thing last night.

You know, no hard feelings.

You know what I mean?

I don't want you to get upset or nothing.

That's it. Don't be coming back, though.

I mean, it's a one-time offer.

One shot with me. I'm out.

Are you expecting somebody?

Come on!

- Larry!

- Sh*t!

- It's your mother.

- F***! It's a cop.

Open the door!

- I was watching that.

- Be quiet.

Go in this room. Go. I want you to stay here.

- Don't come out. Don't say anything.

- We're going to Baywatch?

- Yeah. Soon. Stay here. Be quiet.

- Okay.

- Come on, I'm dying here!

- Coming!

- Larry, I have a chicken.

- Don't say anything.

What?

Your door's not thick enough to pretend

you're not home when you're home.

- What's up?

- I was in the neighborhood.

- How are you today?

- Just fine. Yourself?

Just fine.

I'm searching for news on the underground.

Might you know what it is I'm getting at?

- No.

- No. Well...

This is one of those mysterious cases.

Unsolvable. Probably turn out

to be an alien abduction, but you know...

we're obligated to at least create

the appearance of due diligence.

- What?

- I didn't say nothing.

You know, your friend Louis...

his supervisor back in the home office

is about to fold his napkin, right?

- Sorry?

- Starkman, in New York.

He's through.

Looking at huge federal time.

Big, ugly, dark dungeon underground.

No chance of parole, never ever. Time.

Yep. I'm sorry to say.

I hear he's a good guy, but, you know...

In any event, here's my problem...

and if you know any of this,

feel free, jump in, shut me up.

This federal prosecutor out here...

the one with Starkman's testicular matter

clutched in his fist...

this very federal prosecutor's

little brother...

Any of this sound familiar?

To me? No.

No. Well...

This very federal prosecutor's little brother,

a bit dopey from what I gather...

may have been absconded with...

which, as you can imagine,

would be to the dismay of our prosecutor.

I think...

But I could be wrong about this because

it's almost too stupid for a mind to grasp.

But I think maybe someone...

in your professional community...

might be participating

in these shenanigans...

to, I don't know...

help squeeze a little friendship...

altruism, whatever,

out of this particular federal official.

Maybe in the hopes that Starkman...

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