Gigli Page #4

will wake up one morning...

And wake up one morning

to find all charges mysteriously dropped.

The school of thought of my colleagues

is that this kid is already way out of town.

I alone am of the opposite school.

I think he's still here. That's what I think.

But what's important is what you think.

What do you think?

As a friend who's got his ear to the street.

Seriously.

- I never... You know...

- I know.

You don't know nothing.

I can tell just by looking at you.

The whole thing's probably

alien abduction, like I said before.

Man, you know what I'd love to do...

right now?

Go down to Marie Callender's...

get me a big bowl, pie, some ice cream on it.

Good.

Put some on your head...

your tongue would slap your brains out

trying to get to it.

Interested?

Sure?

Yeah, I'm trying to get in shape, you know.

Say no more.

Thanks for the hospitality.

It can't be the most pleasant thing

to have your privacy be intruded on.

Maybe if you hear anything,

you'll let me know?

Yeah, you know, if I hear anything.

Yeah, I'll let you know.

All right.

A federal f***ing prosecutor!

- F***!

- Larry?

- I'll come back now, okay?

- What are you doing? I told you to...

- I'm hungry.

- We got nothing to eat.

- I'm hungry, though.

- A federal f***ing prosecutor.

- My brother's a federal f***ing "prostitutor."

- You don't say.

Put this on.

- Did you know about all that stuff?

- No, not all of it.

- Maybe we should check into a hotel.

- F*** that.

I live here. This is my place.

No one's getting me out of my place.

Put this on, too.

- I'm hungry. I wanna eat.

- I heard you the first f***ing five times.

Come on.

F***ing around.

When are we getting to the Baywatch?

- What? What's that? You hear that?

- No.

What is that? It's the walkie-talkie again.

Hello? What?

You got to be kidding me. Again?

What's the deal with these guys?

How long? Maybe tomorrow? Okay.

Kick those guys in the ass for me, will you?

Those f***ing guys. All right.

Talk to you later. Give us a call back.

Unbelievable.

You believe that?

The Baywatch is closed today. Again.

- They're closed?

- Yeah, I talked to them.

They said they're working on the problem,

but, you know...

they don't know how long it's gonna be.

What is the Baywatch?

It's where all the beautiful girls are.

They swim.

They swim there.

- You're talking about the TV show?

- No, you... Not TV. That's TV.

The Baywatch is where they really are.

They're really there.

I think you could be friends there.

I think that's where the sex is. I think so.

- Hey, you wanna turn that down?

- You f***ing turn it down.

I don't think this is the best time

to be drawing attention to ourselves.

- Hey, Beavis, turn the f***ing radio off.

- What the f*** is your problem, b*tch?

"B*tch"?

You know what, creating a scene right now

would be a bad thing.

Yeah, that's right. Why don't you come here

so we can kick your ass.

What happened?

Let me. Okay?

Go ahead.

You know, what you boys need

is to develop better people skills.

However, in the meantime...

Excuse me.

You ever heard of Tai Moi Chai?

No. Okay.

In traditional Tai Moi Chai,

there are five levels of digital orb extrusion.

That's the gouging out

of your opponent's eyeball...

with one's finger.

The highest and most difficult to master

is my personal favorite:

"Kai Toi Mai".

Loosely translated,

that's "the rip that takes the past."

Now, once the thumb liquefies the eye...

it is deftly and immediately replaced

by the forefinger.

Deep thrust, hooking around

and securing the ocular nerve...

and then removing it with such force...

as to bring with it, by suction,

a vital portion of the visual cortex.

The part of the brain, as I'm sure

you may know, that stores visual memory.

The extraordinary element of this move...

the genius of it...

the absolute poetry of it...

is that, aside from the obvious wound...

one's opponent is left with no memory

of anything he has ever seen.

Family, friends, nothing.

Hence, "Kai Toi Mai":

"The rip that takes the past."

As you can imagine, very difficult

to practice in the United States...

but I felt well worth the trips

to the Chang Rai Province.

People skills.

See, knowing

how to properly judge character...

knowing how and when to make a move...

in short,

knowing who to and who not to f*** with.

These are things you boys are gonna

wanna work on in the future. Okay?

And one more thing:

Sports are all well and good,

but very hard to earn a living at.

So I want you guys to study hard

and keep your grades up, all right?

- Okay? Everyone, yes?

- Yes.

Okay. Good.

Brian, let's go.

Nice computer.

Here's suck-my-dick. Com.

So can you really do all that kung fu sh*t...

you said back there with the eye and that?

No.

That was all bullshit?

Sun Tzu said that in a war...

the best victory

is that which requires no battle.

- Is this some more bullshit now I'm getting?

- No.

Who's Sun Tzu?

A Chinese military theoretician

who pointed out...

that in a conflict, getting angry,

which you seem to do a lot of...

is a tactically and strategically stupid move.

It clouds your ability to reason.

It gives your adversary the upper hand.

You wanna cloud

your adversary's ability to reason...

thus gaining the upper hand yourself.

Whatever.

You know,

given how unhappy you seem to be...

I can see how that wouldn't be

the easiest thing for you to do.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Just that.

I mean...

when men are boys, they're encouraged

not to cry, not to show their sadness...

so they're forced to find other ways to let

those feelings out. As I'm sure you know...

fighting and getting angry

are much more acceptable male behaviors.

So when these boys grow up, guess what

outlet they use to express their sadness.

A guy who's miserable at work

or depressed about his life...

comes home at night, what does he do?

He doesn't usually cry

in front of the wife and kids.

He usually yells at them.

So, Larry...

What?

What is it exactly you're so sad about?

No, I'm serious.

Yeah. What about your friend?

Mrs. Leonard. Whatever her name is.

Look, I can't right now, I'm sorry.

It's not a good time.

It's not a good time, Ma, that's why.

No.

Okay. All right!

What do you want, blood?

I said okay. I'm coming over, all right?

I'll be right over there.

I got to make a quick detour.

You can stay in the car.

Easy. A little lower.

- Right here?

- A little bit higher.

- A little lower.

- Ma.

All right, right there. God.

Look, Ma, if Mrs. Leonard isn't around,

you'll have to call a doctor sometimes.

I can't just drop everything

and show up here all the time, okay?

What, and I didn't drop everything for you?

"I'm so sorry, Larry,

I can't change your diaper now.

"You're gonna have to call Mrs. Leonard."

- Let me just...

- Let me. Hold on.

- What?

- He's got to pee.

I got to pee, Larry.

I thought I told you to wait in the car.

I thought you'd prefer it if we came in

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