Gigli Page #5

rather than take the car somewhere.

Wouldn't want you to think

we lammed out on you.

Besides, I want to meet your mother.

- No.

- Larry, are those friends of yours?

- Yeah, close, personal.

- Well, invite them in.

I got to pee, Larry.

- Larry, invite them in!

- I am, Ma, all right?

- Hello, everybody.

- Hello.

My God.

- What a beauty.

- Ma.

What? I'm just saying.

You should see some of the pigs

he's brought by.

I mean, not that they were pigs, per se.

It's just that, by and large, they were

what I would call insignificant women.

You, I could tell right off the bat,

you seem to be of some substance.

- Excuse me, miss, where's the men's room?

- Right this way, darling.

Larry, she's gorgeous.

Don't you f*** this one up.

- So, what is your story, honey?

- I'm Larry's friend.

- Don't pay no attention to her.

- She thinks I'm beautiful.

Yeah. She's blind in one eye, though.

Open the door.

You all right in there?

So this is where you grew up?

Are you writing a book?

- Ma.

- Shut up. I didn't say anything.

I think you two

make a very cute couple, though.

- Ma.

- What?

What's with the "Ma"?

Stop already with the "Ma."

So, tell me...

are you and Larry sweethearts?

Before you answer,

let me say up front that I hope so.

What? Yes, I hope so.

What's so terrible about "I hope so"?

- Yeah? Guess what.

- What?

She's a lesbian.

Never mind.

She's been with fellas before.

Am I right, darling?

You're right.

But sometimes they have their limitations.

Am I right?

What are you two talking about?

Never mind.

We know what we're talking about.

- Am I right, sweetheart?

- You're right.

You know,

I wasn't always just Larry's mother.

I used to be...

quite experimental.

- Jesus Christ!

- Look at him!

Look who's not up-to-the-minute now.

- Big boy.

- That's it. We're going.

Brian, come on. We're going. That's it.

Ma, what...

All right. Just remember, you two,

life's not just black-and-white.

All right, we'll remember that.

Brian, let's go. We're going now.

- Let's go.

- Come here, you big lug, give me a kiss.

- I love you.

- Yeah.

- I washed my hands.

- Congratulations. Let's go.

- Goodbye.

- Come here, darling.

I feel like I know you already.

- Very nice meeting you.

- It's my pleasure.

All right, we're going. Let's go.

Come on. Let's go, Brian.

Just remember, you two, keep an open mind

because you never know.

- We will.

- Bye!

- I like her, she's very nice.

- Man.

On the satellite map,

the cloud over Queensland...

and New South Wales is bringing showers...

and there's very little activity

over the rest of the continent.

But there is some low-level cloud

over Southern Victoria...

which will bring isolated showers

mainly to the coastal areas.

Another chilly night in Melbourne's suburbs

with the mercury...

- What are you doing now?

...and Avalon falling as low...

- Brian, I told you, this is very expensive.

- It's not expensive.

Don't argue with me.

Why are you doing this? What do you care

about the weather in f***ing England for?

- Australia.

- Whatever.

It's not England.

Whatever, Brian.

Why do you keep calling there?

I really like her voice.

Okay. Try to keep it under control, though.

- All right?

- Okay, Larry, I'll try.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

So I'm not your type?

How did we get back there all of a sudden?

Relax.

You're more woman

than I know what to do with.

I don't need to be dipping

into the sisterhood.

But I'm just curious

because all of a sudden now...

you say you've been with guys.

I have.

But they have their shortcomings?

Besides the fact that they give terrible head.

See, right there, that tells me something.

I know the guys you've been with

obviously didn't know...

how to bring home the pearls

when they were diving for oysters.

I was actually just joking.

Well, since we're letting it all hang out now,

let me tell you something else.

Okay, when it comes to pleasing a woman,

your girlfriends, they're just...

they're at a natural disadvantage.

It's like they might try hard,

but they're just not backed up...

with millions of years of

genetic engineering, programming, instinct.

Nature has evolved man for that purpose.

Satisfy.

Lead the pack.

That's why lesbians are always buying,

spending their dough on, you know...

sexual appliances, erotic monkey wrenches

and sh*t, trying to compensate...

for what they don't have.

What they're not getting.

The penis. That's right.

Its very design

tells you everything you need to know.

Forward motion. With advancements.

F***ing progress into the dark, deep...

mysterious unknown.

It's like adventure-seeking...

frontier-conquering...

obstacle-eradicating.

And you tried to create the impression

you didn't read books.

You're settling for second best.

That's all I'm saying.

So, in review...

you're saying...

that it's men

that are at the top of the must-f*** pyramid?

That's all I'm telling you.

Loving, caring...

- sensitive, giving men.

- That's right.

You're entitled to your opinion.

But let us reconsider women for a minute.

- Shall we?

- Sure.

Their form:

Neck. Shoulders.

Legs.

Hips.

I think pretty cool.

Now, as far as your famous...

penis goes...

The penis is like some sort of...

bizarre sea slug...

or like a really long toe.

I mean, it's handy, important even.

But the pinnacle of sexual design?

The top of the list of erotic destinations?

I don't think so.

One's first impulse is to kiss what?

To kiss the lips.

Firm...

delicious lips. Sweet lips.

Surrounding a warm, moist...

dizzyingly scented mouth.

That's what everyone wants to kiss.

Not a toe. Not a sea slug.

A mouth.

And why do you think that is, stupid?

Because the mouth is the twin sister...

the almost exact look-alike of the what?

Not the toe.

The mouth is the twin sister...

of the vagina.

And all creatures big and small

seek the orifice.

The opening. To be taken in, engulfed.

To be squeezed and lovingly crushed

by what is truly...

the all-powerful, all-encompassing.

Now, if it's design you're concerned with...

hidden meanings, symbolism and power...

forget the top of Mount Everest.

Forget the bottom of the sea,

the moon, the stars.

There is no place, nowhere,

that has been the object...

of more ambitions, more battles

than the sweet, sacred mystery...

between a woman's legs

that I am proud to call...

my p*ssy.

So I guess this is just my roundabout way

of saying...

that it is women who are,

in fact, the most desirable form.

Wouldn't you agree?

I agree.

And so do I.

Hello?

- Is somebody there?

- Yes.

Who's this?

I don't find this funny.

Is this the retard?

Brian, what are you doing now?

Give me the f***ing phone.

Hello?

Who the f*** is this?

What the f*** is going on over there?

Nothing. Sorry, Louis.

We're not getting the desired movement.

We're stepping up the operation.

First thing in the morning, send his thumb

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