Gilbert Page #10

---

fortunate in our lives

to team up with someone

romantically who saves our life.

And I don't think it's

much of an exaggeration

to say that Dara

saved Gilbert's life.

- The fact that he made

that work and I can't,

it makes me want to leap off

of the f***ing

Chrysler Building.

How did he do that?

Unbelievable.

But god bless him.

- Years ago you could have

said to me the minute I agree

to do some comedy club,

that's when Steven Spielberg

would call me to star

in his next movie.

He never did, but it's

like I would get offers

that I couldn't do

then and now with kids

I'm missing a lot of

stuff that I should be at.

- I went to the Museum

of Natural History.

- Oh my god yes yes!

- And I saw the tallest

dinosaur in the world.

- When I get back to New

York we'll have to go again

'cause I wanna see that.

I guess I'd like to do

less road but I don't see

that day coming too soon.

I mean I guess you

always have to do.

You have to dance with

the date who brought ya.

(gentle music)

This is a fantasy

I have in my mind.

I wish that I could bring my

mother and father back to life

for just like a couple

of minutes and go okay

I just finished this

movie with so and so,

I'm on this TV show, here

you can watch me walk down

any block and people

are coming up, they want

their picture taken with me.

To be able to bring them back

for just like short moments

to say to them well

I've got two children

that I named after

the two of you.

And that I've got a wife

who's madly in love with me.

You know my parents

would be amazed.

- Happy birthday, I love you.

- That's your problem.

- I love you.

(jazzy music)

- Now I remembered

a bit I used to do.

You know John F. Kennedy died,

he was assassinated tragically

but if John F. Kennedy

was alive today and he

was getting a blow job,

it might go something like this.

You know, Martin Luther King.

- Oh you want a bigger one?

- Oh yeah, my whole life.

I think I've had

two colonoscopies.

He said you can come

back in 10 years

and because you know

according to this doctor

you could eat lunch out of

my a**hole, that's how clean.

- [Dara] That's

really disgusting.

(laughing)

- Gottfried baby boy,

nine pounds, 23 inches.

I wish I was 23 inches now.

Get it?

When you go into my

a**hole to have lunch,

there's a French maitre'd

who brings you in.

(laughing)

- Gilbert I'm gonna

embarrass you for a minute.

I just wanna let Brian here

know that Gilbert performed

tonight 100% free of charge

for people like your daughter.

- Oh sh*t!

- Part you must

keep it straight.

- Yeah.

- Tight your butt.

(blowing conch)

- Let me tighten my ass.

- Almost, tight it more!

(laughing)

- Can't get my ass tight enough.

It's also how

unrealistic I am that...

(laughing)

Thank you.

How totally unrealistic I am...

See other performers are

wasting time getting p*ssy

after the show.

Not me.

I'm wrapping up

these donuts to go.

- Gilbert said himself

that he's a homosexual.

- [Arlene] He never...

(laughing)

- And for the record going back

to the dining in my a**hole

part just so I can

throw in a reference

that no one will know, the

maitre'd will be played

by Fritz Feld.

(clicks)

(laughing)

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes