Gilbert Page #2

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woman live here?

Yes, you a woman

and two children

that are your children sir.

(laughs)

I don't think I could

have imagined it

and I wish I can

enjoy things fully,

but I feel like I

still haven't woken up

and said oh, this is my life.

(phone ringing)

Let me just see

if this is Dara's.

(beeping)

Hello, hello?

- [Gilbert] Eventually,

Neil's here.

- Uh yeah it means f*** you.

- Okay.

(beeps)

(laughing)

- When I first met Gilbert--

- I did nothing but clean.

- There was nothing

dirty in his act.

He would not say one

dirty word in his act.

For a long time.

It wasn't until The

Aristocrats, right?

- Maybe.

- You were like adamant

about staying clean.

- Yeah.

- You were the

complete opposite.

- I was like Art Linkletter

they used to compare me to.

- No 'cause you used

to say that you thought

that it was easy to work dirty.

- Yeah.

Yeah like f*** and sh*t c*nt

and blowj*b and dick and p*ssy.

Those words I never say.

- You never used to say that.

When we first started dating--

- P*ssy.

- You were adamant about

having a clean act.

- P*ssy, p*ssy, dick, f*** you,

f*** you you piece of sh*t.

- You didn't like it when

people cursed in their act.

- F*** you.

- You didn't, you remember that?

- Curse in your f***in' c*nt,

that's how I curse, f*** you.

- He wouldn't say any of that

when we first started dating.

And he did yoga.

- Yeah.

(light music)

- You know it's

hard to remember.

People ask me this

a lot, was he funny?

And you know he was my

brother so it's hard for me

to even remember like was

there anything outstanding

about him?

Growing up I can't say he

was like unusually funny

or anything like that.

He used to do impressions,

but that was a bit later on

when he was more

like a teenager.

- He has a natural sense of

humor but I just remember him

as kind of I would say

he was shy and quiet.

- The only really thing

that I remember was that the

first night when we went

to the Blarney Stone

and they had an open

mic and I remembered how

I was impressed with his comedy.

- He was so young, my goodness.

He went up and he

was doing some jokes

and I remember distinctly

someone said, "Shut up!"

- It was still funny you know.

And he got to the point

where he was a performer.

Gilbert was waving

before, he got recognized

in the airport and now

he doesn't want to be on

the video tape.

- He's camera shy.

People assume that he's his

stage character all the time.

That's the furthest

thing from the truth.

He wants to be as the

character he likes that

but he doesn't want to be

himself on the videotape.

- [Arlene] And it's different,

if you're gonna pay the guy

a million bucks he'll put on

the act but if you're not,

he ain't gonna do it.

(laughing)

- [Karen] I don't want that act.

He doesn't want to

be on the camera

unless he's doing the act.

- Yeah, I'm scared they

won't like what they see

or whatever they like

about me, whatever they're

entertained by they might not...

But it's always the case, it's

like from the Wizard of Oz.

Don't look at that man

behind the curtain.

You don't know how they're

react to you after that.

- Who are you?

- I am the great and

powerful wizard of Oz.

- You are?

I don't believe you!

(upbeat music)

- Our guest this week

is an actor, author,

voice over artist, and

one of the most successful

and popular stand up

comedians in the world.

A man far too important

and busy to be caught dead

appearing on this show,

our pal Jim Gaffigan.

- Oh thank you, thank

you for having me.

This is an honor, Gilbert.

- Yes.

- This is cool that

we're doing this

at the Friar's too right?

- Oh yeah.

Now let's talk about

your first special.

- Okay.

- B*tches be suckin' my dick.

(laughing)

- I'm known as a clean comic.

This is different than I

thought it was going to be.

He was much different.

I didn't understand this.

- And now you actually

love doing stand up.

- I do love it.

Don't you feel great after

a set or do you feel,

are you somebody who never

feels good after a set?

- Well my fantasy right before

I'm about to go on stage

is that the manager is

gonna come back stage

and go there was like

a fire or a flood--

- Oh that's interesting.

- Here's your check, go home.

- Yeah, that's, I just

feel as though stand up

can cure me of

life's afflictions.

So if I'm sad it

can change my mood.

If I'm overly confident it

kind of balances me out.

Like I always think it's

strange when people are like

can you believe

Seinfeld's doing stand up?

I'm like he doesn't

have a choice everyone.

- Yeah.

- It's like once

you're a comedian,

you have that heroin

in your system.

It doesn't, here we

are at the Friar's.

There are 90 year old

comedians that go up--

- Oh yeah.

- That can barely move

and when they get on stage

they kind of light up.

- [Frank] Gilbert's one of them.

- Yes.

(laughing)

- I called Dara recently and

I said, "Where's Gilbert?"

And she goes he's on the road.

And I go where is he?

She goes San Antonio.

I said Gilbert Gottfried is

alone in San Antonio right now.

I can't believe that.

I can't believe!

I said who's taking

him to the club,

who's getting him

in the hotel room,

who's opening his bag,

who's telling him where

his toothbrush is?

I lost sleep over it.

(light music)

- Oh.

- He's on the road a lot.

He'll leave on a

Wednesday or a Thursday,

maybe a gig that night,

an early and a late show

on a Friday, an early and

a late show on a Saturday,

fly back on Sunday or Monday.

You know it's a

grind, it's tiring.

- Now I pack very neatly.

These are shorts, t-shirts,

some script for something.

This is usually my flying shirt.

This piece of paper, probably

something I don't need.

See this is why I should

clean out this thing.

These are worn out socks I have

that I'll be wearing today.

Dara's idea was to at least

put some of the stuff in bags.

This actually was a good idea.

- Is anybody talking about

how notoriously cheap he is?

- [Neil] Little bit.

- Yeah, I've only

heard the stories.

When he goes in for

voiceovers and he like

empties all the mints

into his f***in' pockets.

- [Gilbert] Here's some

peanut butter cookies

that I obviously got

for free somewhere.

- I think he's the only guest

that takes all the sodas

from the dressing

room at the show.

I gotta take these with me.

- I imagine he wears

cargo pants a lot.

(laughing)

- Oh the box, the two boxes.

This one's my DVDs.

The term is merch.

So they'll go hey you

selling any merch?

Got any merch?

And so I bring merch.

- When you live in a

three million dollar co-op

in New York City like

Gilbert does yeah,

it's weird to sell your

DVDs after your shows.

Especially when no one has a

f***in' DVD player anymore.

- He is one of the cheapest

people in the world.

So Gilbert's going to kinda

cut corners wherever he can.

(gentle music)

- You can't do that to yourself.

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