Gilbert Page #3

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You can't.

That's how you end up getting

shorter and sh*t, you just

keep yourself all cramped

up in the back of the bus.

How the f*** does he ride a bus?

There's not people on there

going is that Gilbert Gottfried?

(laughing)

Hey I wanna use the bathroom

on the bus, I can't,

Gilbert Gottfried's in there.

- Is Gilbert Gottfried

getting on the bus?

(laughing)

That's awesome,

I'm such a Aladdin fan.

- Hey, hey how are you?

- Whenever I go to

hotels I get my brush--

- Here you go darling,

here you go sweetheart.

- Hey do you have underarm?

- Huh?

- Underarm.

- Let me see if

we have any here.

You know what?

Since you're such a sweetheart

I'm giving this to you.

- Oh thank you.

- There you go.

- See?

Years in the business.

You get a free one

ounce underarm.

(laughing)

Here we are at a torn

up, beat up, dirty couch

and in a cluttered office and

I'm sure the audience thinks

it's probably some

palace back here.

Dangerfield had this line

he always used to say.

No matter how big you are

you always enter

through the kitchen.

(laughing)

And it's true.

It's like you're watching

through the kitchen

being careful 'cause the floor's

greasy and you go onstage

to the applause.

(applauding and cheering)

You know Michael Douglas

said that he thinks

he may have gotten throat

cancer from performing oral sex

on his wife.

I don't know.

I think cancer is a

small price to pay

to lick Catherine

Zeta-Jones's p*ssy.

(laughing)

(playful music)

I would take any

strain of cancer

to lick Catherine

Zeta-Jones's p*ssy.

You could give me

Parkinson's disease

to lick Catherine

Zeta-Jones's p*ssy.

You can give me a combination

of polio and leprosy

to lick Catherine

Zeta-Jones's p*ssy.

You can give me Lou

Gehrig's disease.

You can give me a form of

muscular dystrophy so powerful

that while I'm licking

Catherine Zeta-Jones's p*ssy

Jerry Lewis pops out of it.

(laughing)

(mimicking Jerry Lewis)

Thank you, goodnight.

(cheering and applauding)

You wanna know what a big

star does out on the road?

You know like say the Rolling

Stones just did a big show

and then what happens next?

Well me, I soak my socks

and underwear in the sink.

I read somewhere that

suds don't do a damn thing

in shampoos and soaps.

But people like suds.

You know you like shampooing

and getting a lot of suds

or washing a bar of

soap and seeing suds

and it doesn't do anything.

So here's my

underwear and socks.

Dip them under quickly

because it'll burn my fingers.

This is good hot water.

And there you go.

And then I watch TV

or floss my teeth.

And I live the life

of a celebrity.

(Max shouting)

- Max you gotta go out

because I'm filming something.

You wanna help me

put all this back?

- [Neil] Yeah.

- Oh my god.

- So Gilbert won't let

me throw anything away.

He hoards everything.

He'll come home from a hotel

with a bag of stuff like this.

Do you need any hotel slippers?

T-shirts, forget it.

He's got so many t-shirts,

look at all these.

And then wait.

All the shirts I have

under here and pants

and then the endless,

endless supply of soaps,

every bed has buckets of

these soaps and shampoos.

- [Neil] Holy sh*t.

(laughing)

- This is just one.

It keeps going.

Oh man.

You sure you don't

need anything?

There's like so many.

Oh look, Lady Speed

Stick, I'll use that.

When we moved from his

old apartment he had

soap from PanAm and

Eastern Airlines.

(laughing)

(gentle music)

So anyway I don't want

him to be uncomfortable

so I store it under the bed.

(laughing)

- If he was here right now

he'd be really embarrassed

'cause he gets really

embarrassed when

So sorry Gilbert.

I used to work in

the music business

and I was therefore

at a Grammys party.

Gilbert was invited

by a friend of his

and we were both standing

in line at the food table.

He just, he looked kind of

lost and sweet sweet sweet.

He asked for my phone

number and then actually

only two days went by

and he asked me out

for coffee and dessert.

He walked me home at

the end of the night

and spent an hour

telling me turtle jokes

and I thought this is the most

bizarre date I've ever had

but I was so comfortable

and he was like no man

that I had ever met before.

I know that he feels

like he's in like

a Twilight Zone episode,

but I don't know.

We seem to fit

really well together.

- She's given his life this

structure that I don't know.

Gilbert was the guy who was

showing up in dirty clothes

when he was single and he

didn't function very well.

And I think Dara was the

perfect woman for him.

She's really strong,

she gets him.

Once she fell in

love with Gilbert

there was not gonna

be anybody else.

I mean this is one of the most

unique human beings alive.

- See this is kind of a

waste of filming in a car

when we're at a light.

It just ruins the whole,

oh, here we go, here we go.

This is exciting, eh?

- Hi I'm Dara.

- Kevin.

- Kevin, nice to meet you.

(doorbell rings)

- [Arlene] Come in!

Good morning.

- Good morning.

- You walked here?

- Yeah.

We were gonna walk here.

- [Gilbert] Pretty much

every day when I'm in town.

- Uh yeah I visit

both my sisters.

- I guess.

(laughing)

(easy music)

- My mother was very quiet

so it was hard to know

exactly how she felt about it

but I think she enjoyed it.

- [Lillian] You see

how you can't stop?

That doesn't make sense.

(laughing)

- My grandmother, even

more so than my mother,

I think was excited.

- My grandmother was

always kidding around,

it was hilarious.

She loved a good laugh.

(laughing)

There's something in the

DNA or whatever it is

'cause I think all of us had

different creative gifts.

Back then I was always

photographing family,

places that I liked to go.

Capturing moments.

This is my book, my first book.

Selwyn Rawls and the Eternal

Light Community Singers,

a gospel choir of New York.

I joined them after a while.

- Yeah, it's like the power

that drew me to photograph them

kept pulling me.

(gospel choir music)

I miss singing, I

used to love it.

It's a great release

and a great expression.

I know

Well lord are you standing

- What the f***'s going on?

This is supposed to

be my documentary.

Jesus.

(playful music)

I grew up in Brooklyn.

- This is it.

- Yeah.

- [Gilbert] Many years

back I was a kid.

See few people know this,

I've kept that a secret.

I remember--

- [Gilbert] Oh my god.

- [Arlene] You see that little

sign up there in the middle,

that metal, it's a metal sign.

- [Gilbert] Oh my god, that!

- That's really the only memory

that's still alive and

well is that little sign.

- [Gilbert] Wow.

Our father put that up there.

- He was a handyman

and a very good one.

He thought Gilbert would

make a good electrician.

- He was good.

He could like bang through

a wall, rewire, plaster it.

I don't have any of that.

I can barely change a lightbulb.

- Uh, just that people say

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