Gilbert Page #5

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shark and the shark's going

oh oh oh oh no.

He's punching.

Wait, should I start

from the beginning?

There are two sharks there now

and one he's fingering the p*ssy

and the other he's beating

off and he's talking dirty.

Yeah, that's it,

I'm fingering your p*ssy

you f***ing shark-toothed b*tch

and I'm beating you

off, f*** you b*tch!

Okay, where was I?

So he's holding the little

kid and he brings him

to the shore and he

drops him on the sand

and then the kid's not

breathing and he's pumping

his arms up and down.

Finally the boy spits

up water and he's alive

and the beach is cheering and

the old Jewish grandmother

goes, "He had a hat."

(laughing)

- Goodnight.

- Night.

- You selling books and CDs?

- Oh yes.

- [Man] What would

you like (mumbles)?

- I'll take a DVD.

- The DVD, oh, DVD?

- Your podcast is my

favorite thing every week.

- Oh thank you.

- It's true, that was

very fun, thank you.

- Great show, great show.

- Thank you.

Oh jeez.

(laughing)

And that's how it started.

Ah!

- You're very good onstage.

- Oh thank you.

Heil five.

- I feel bad about the uniform.

- Why, it's not wrinkled.

It's pressed.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

(laughing)

- Actually I got a joke for you.

- Oh.

(laughing)

- Why did Michael Jackson

get divorced twice?

- Oh why?

- Came home with

crayon on his collar.

(laughing)

Yeah it's bad but,

Blanket knows.

- Well it's not the worst

thing the Nazis have done,

a bad Michael Jackson joke.

(laughing)

("The Infernal Galop" from

Orpheus in the Underworld

by Jacques Offenbach)

It's usually not like this.

Usually they don't have

soldiers throughout history

following you around

wanting your autograph.

You usually don't have

Nazis who want their picture

taken with you.

- [Man] Okay everybody say--

- [All] Aflack.

(laughing)

- Oh, here's, God.

This is just material.

Wow.

So that's how well I

have it written out.

- Oh, the sieg heil, and

I'll see if I remember this.

I'd go, you know before Hitler

came up with this sieg heil

he had to try a few other ones.

That didn't really work as well.

Like he would go

out on the balcony

and give an impassioned speech

and work the crowd into

a frenzy and then go sieg heil!

- People are becoming to

appreciate the far-out humor

of Gilbert Gottfried.

He really is terrific.

You may have seen him now

in Beverly Hills Cop 2.

I don't know, has Gilbert

been seen in other movies?

- Yes, he'll tell us.

- Alright fine.

- He's a wonderful interview.

(laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Are we on?

- Oh we're on.

- Yeah we're on.

- We're on now.

- How come the

camera's back there?

(laughing)

What happened?

- People like Gilbert.

He made an initial

boom, he came out

and he threw a punch right away.

- What do you play in the film?

- Uh I play a loud,

irritating Jew

which is a stretch for me.

- That was back when like

if you had a spot like that

in a movie you blew up.

Especially if it was an Eddie

Murphy movie, forget it.

- What are you

trying to say sir?

- Like you'd be holding

something in that hand

and this hand you'd

forget about it.

This hand...

- His absurd impressions

and rambling tangents

have made Gilbert Gottfried

a guy you don't easily forget.

- Why do people wear shoes?

- [Man] The comic

hasn't had trouble

developing into a film actor.

- A little rambunctious, but

weren't we all at that age?

- [Man] How is your

movie career progressing?

I mean you're obviously

expanding, how's it going?

- I'm expanding, I'm expanding.

It goes on by the second.

She's a hooker!

(laughing)

The prosecution rests.

Every minute it's expanding.

As we speak it's expanding.

How close can you get?

- No one even in the

business believed

that they could ever have a

real conversation with him.

- This character--

- Yes?

- You've developed--

- Uh huh.

- Is it based on you--

- Can you enunciate?

- Thank God this is almost

over, this interview.

- Did you just

hike your skirt up?

- No.

(laughing)

- Now I'm gonna ask

you two questions.

- Yes.

- I'm gonna ask

you two questions--

- Yes.

- And you gonna answer them.

- Yes.

Can I ask you a question?

- No, this is not your

damn show Gilbert!

You answer my question.

- Wait, have you ever

had sex with Paula Abdul?

- Oh!

(playful music)

- We wanna know don't we?

- You don't have to imitate

spontaneity with Gilbert,

and you don't have to imitate

the danger of the moment.

He'll do all that for you.

- Local film production--

- Can I just do my plug and

get the hell outta here?

- (laughing)

- Can I please?

I'm in Aladdin, just go see it.

- Okay, okay you marry

the princess right?

- It was incredibly odd when

you first hear in the grapevine

in this club that Gilbert's

gonna be in Aladdin.

- And then we drop papa in

law and the little woman

off a cliff.

(laughing)

- I love the way your

fowl little mind works.

- It's so funny because

Aladdin is such, it's Disney!

He's so not Disney.

- There's gonna

be a new Aladdin,

it's the Return of Jafar,

and it's going right,

it has everything that

the movie didn't have.

Full frontal nudity.

- Really?

(laughing)

Now Gilbert, you don't strike

me as a Disney kinda guy.

- Yeah I'm a Disney kinda guy.

You know I just finished

reading Mackenzie Phillips's

autobiography.

In Mackenzie Phillips's

autobiography,

she says that when

she was a little girl,

her father would climb into

bed with her every night

and have sex with her.

This to me was mind-boggling.

I can't get my daughter

to hold my hand

when we cross the street.

(laughing)

We're running through

oncoming traffic

and she's pulling away from me

and this guy's nailing

his daughter every night!

And I'm not saying I want my

daughter to have sex with me.

I just want her to know

that Barbie Dream House

- wasn't free.

- (laughing)

(playful music)

- Oh jeez, which ones bother me?

- [Neil] Yeah.

- Well I don't really like

the Mackenzie Phillips joke.

Ugh.

- The worst thing

you could say to me

is don't joke about that.

(laughing)

If you say don't joke

about it, that's wrong,

that's horrible if

you joke about, well,

then I'm gonna joke about it.

- He tells me to shut up.

- Gilbert is a child and he's

a demon at the same time.

Certainly Dara saw that in him.

My guess is that Dara

was really patient

when they started going out.

Is really patient today.

But you know, Dara now has

literally three children.

(mumbling)

- Look look.

- What?

- She's waking up.

You know at night

I heard her moving

and then I went down here and

she was sitting up like this

with her eyes open.

- That's weird.

Don't jump down the

building, you'll die.

- [Man] Yeah, don't let

her jump down the building.

- So soft.

- Right?

- [Gilbert] Okay Maxy, Maxy.

- Should I take a picture

of Max in his glasses?

Just like that?

- [Gilbert]

If you want to, sure.

- Just a minute.

Just one minute.

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