Gilbert Page #7

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you know, open up.

I mean you see, he's

very, he's reserved.

Even like his good friends,

they talk about movies,

they talk about pop culture.

They don't talk about feelings.

First anniversary,

February 3rd 2008.

Dara, warmly thinking of

you and hoping this will be

a happy celebration

of your anniversary.

Happiness always, go

f*** yourself, Gilbert.

(laughing)

I haven't seen these

in a long time.

For you on Valentine's Day.

Dara, go f***

yourself 500 times.

(laughing)

This comes straight

from the heart.

- Happy but nervous.

He didn't really

talk about it a lot,

he just kinda went

along and went with it.

He doesn't deal

with real moments.

I think he avoids, you know,

and probably uses humor

to mask real emotions.

- When Lily was first born,

and I think maybe when babies

are first born sometimes they

are all pressed together,

their face hasn't developed,

and I remember thinking ooh,

that's really an ugly baby.

That was my first thought.

I thought oh, she's really ugly.

Then within a few days or

so I looked at her and say

oh, she's cute, and then

more and more, I'd think

wow, she's a really pretty girl.

And then I thought in

terms of being a father

where I thought ooh, maybe

it would make me much happier

as a father to be the

father of an ugly girl.

'Cause you know a pretty girl

every guy is gonna be after.

And but then I think, but

then if you have an ugly girl,

maybe the ugly girl

might try to make friends

by f***ing more guys.

So you can't win

either way with a girl.

(laughing)

(playful music)

It was kind of like in

Frankenstein where Frankenstein

meets the little girl and

she's throwing her daisies

in the water and it's like.

(crying out)

I think I was Frankenstein

at that point.

(baby talk)

- The way he looked at

the kids, oh my god.

He was so proud and so happy.

And I said look, see, I

mean you were so scared.

Meanwhile it ended

up okay and he's like

such an amazing dad.

Gilbert, are you paying

attention to what she's doing?

- Yes.

- [Dara] Lily,

what are you doing?

- Drawing.

- [Dara] Gilbert did

you have any idea

that this is what she was doing?

- Videos of my act?

- No.

- No.

One time Max was

asking can he come

to one of my shows and Dara

said to him oh, well no you

can't because they don't

allow kids in daddy's shows

and he says a lot of bad words.

And Max goes, "That's

what makes it funny!"

(laughing)

(cheering and applauding)

- Before we get started

let me just say this.

New York is the greatest

city in the world.

(cheering and applauding)

Yeah, that's right.

I'm glad to be here and

I think everybody here

will agree that right

about now we can all use

a good laugh.

Unfortunately though our first

roaster is Rob Schneider.

(laughing)

(gentle music)

- We were roasting Hugh

Hefner just a couple of weeks

after the Twin Towers

were knocked down.

And back then we didn't call

it 9/11, it was just like

a couple of Tuesdays ago.

- It was already a weird

time to be doing this big

comedy event but

especially in New York.

People are kind of walking

around like zombies.

- [Jimmy] The one and

only Gilbert Gottfried.

- Even doing a roast so

soon after was in bad taste.

Someone had to call it out,

someone had to make a joke.

- That's the way my mind works.

I wanted to basically address

the elephant in the room.

I have to catch

a flight to California,

I can't get a direct flight.

They said they had to stop

at the Empire State

Building first.

(laughing)

(murmuring)

- Somebody yelled "Too

soon" and Gilbert in his

awkward way sort of vamped

for a second holding on

to the podium, hoping

it was a time machine

that he could just

go back two minutes.

But to his credit,

he just doubled down.

- Okay, a talent agent

is sitting in his office.

A family walks in.

The talent agent goes what

kind of an act do you do?

And he goes, watch.

All of them take

their clothes off.

The father starts

f***ing his wife.

The wife starts

jerking off the son.

The son starts going

down on the sister.

The sister starts fingering

the dog's a**hole.

(laughing)

Then the son starts

blowing his father.

You want me to start

at the beginning?

(laughing)

I'll wait til you're ready.

(laughing)

- To the delight of the

audience and the admiration

of the comedians, his way

to get out of this huge hole

is to dig an even deeper hole

by telling The Aristocrats

joke and what he essentially

did was I'm gonna dig

til I come up on the

other side of the earth,

that's my way out of this,

and that was amazing to see.

- Now where was I?

Oh yes, the son is licking

out his father's a**hole.

(upbeat percussive music)

- The Aristocrats was basically,

is the backroom dirty joke.

You know comics hang

out in the back room

and that's the joke they

tell, it's not meant to be

out there in public

for public consumption.

- The talent agent says,

"What do you call yourselves?"

and they go, "The Aristocrats!"

(laughing)

- I think The Aristocrats

sort of catapulted Gilbert

into a world where blue comedy

was considered artistic.

- Cloris Leachman is so old

that her tits are labeled

whites only and coloreds.

(laughing)

- These roasts became

really popular.

That's what really

brought him to America.

Now everyone knew this Gilbert.

- Her tits are a shameful time

in this country's history.

(laughing)

- What I think is

remarkable about you,

and I don't even know

how you pull this off.

You are probably the filthiest

comic I've ever heard.

- John Stamos walks into a bar.

The bartender says we have

a drink named after you.

John Stamos says, "You have

a drink named secret fag?"

(laughing)

- And yet in the same

career, Disney thinks nothing

of hiring you for cartoons.

- So Mickey, what's

in it for us?

- Oh no, not another lamp.

- In all the different

cartoons you're in,

isn't it always the same voice?

It's always a bird.

- Yeah.

- You mean that pompous

piece of cyber trash?

- Why is that?

Have you been

typecast as a bird?

- [Gilbert] Yes.

- Aflac!

(screaming)

- Do the Aflac,

just do it for us.

- Aflac!

- Yes!

- He loved doing Aflac.

- I wanna return this duck.

- That Aflac job, it's a dream.

It's like what everyone wants.

He can roll out of bed,

go in a booth, Aflac,

and you're paid a

shitload of money.

- I'm always afraid one

day Aflac's gonna wake up

and go we can just get a duck.

(laughing)

Thank goodness I had

that health insurance.

- Really?

What health insurance

did you have?

- Elflac!

- Alright.

- I'm sure this happens to you.

It's like, do you ever like,

in the middle of a show

go what the f*** am

I doing right now?

- All the time.

- Yeah.

It's like sometimes it'll

hit me for a second.

I'll go I'm standing here,

people are looking at me

and I'm acting stupid.

- You know you

wanna just go home.

- [Gilbert] Yeah, yeah.

- But listen, this is how

you chose to make a living.

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