Girl Most Likely Page #4

Dispatch, I got to run a plate.

Uh, New Jersey.

- Umbrella-zero-alpha-eight-niner.

- Hey, Rex?

I just want to say how brave and

selfless you are for what you do.

Just all the citizens...

Copy that.

Uh, well, uh, it seems this car

has been reported as stolen.

Oh, what is this?

- What is this?

- Sir, I'm going to have to ask you

to please keep your

comments to yourself.

No, no, no, there's been a mistake.

There's been a mistake.

This is my mother's car.

Okay? And she lent it to me

to go visit my father.

So it's not stolen.

Right.

That's wrong.

I thought your father died?

No, he did.

I just found out today. I thought he...

He has not died.

on, I get it.

He's alive when you need him to be.

And then he's dead

when you have to blow someone off.

No,no,no,no!

My mother told me that he died.

And then, now I found

out that he's alive.

Crock of sh*t!

And I bet that if I asked

you out for a beer

he'd probably die again, right?

Well, obviously,

I hope that wouldn't be the case.

But, given the fact that I don't

know what kind of health he's in,

I mean that certainly

could be a possibility.

- Duncan.

- What?

You're out.

Your mom dropped the charges.

Oh, uh, good luck at Nationals.

You hit someone in a Porsche?

Quit changing the subject.

You had me arrested!

Come on, honey.

it was for your own good, okay?

I knew how upset you were, and when

you didn't come back for a while,

I was afraid you

were going to stop on the train tracks.

You know, George told me the

best way to find someone

is accuse them of a crime.

That's how they do it in the CIA.

How was jail, Imogene?

Disappointing.

I know you think I

screwed up your life,

but did you ever stop to think

that maybe having a dead father

was better for you than

having a dead-beat one?

Dead-beat?

The man lives in New York City.

He's a world-renowned expert

on the early colonial period

of American history.

- What?

- He's spoken in 29 countries.

He's been interviewed on NPR and PBS.

Okay. Maybe he's found some success.

Some success?

But that doesn't change

who he is as a person.

- Is that Dad's book?

- Yes.

It's called The Myth of Thanksgiving.

- It's actually our father's second book.

- Thanksgiving is a myth?

- What?

- Yeah, amongst other things.

Oh, get out of here.

Your father wrote a book

on how Thanksgiving never happened?

Yeah. You know,

we embrace it as this national holiday,

but actually it was a

political spin job.

Did it say who invented pumpkin pie?

Don't laugh. No, it didn't say

who invented pumpkin pie.

You know, I'm sorry,

but I'm not surprised.

He always wanted

to ruin everything that was fun.

Oh, yeah, Dad tried to ruin everything.

Dad's only, like,

a very brilliant, accomplished man,

who, you know what,

after we get reunited,

is going to help me get on my feet

and who is going to cherish me,

and make up for the years of humiliation

that I endured being your daughter.

Oh, my God. Well, do

you have his address?

No. I... What? No.

But I'm gonna get it. And then

when I get it I'm gonna go there.

And Ralph's going to come with me.

Oh, no, I don't go past the boardwalk.

You know, Imogene, a lot of people

had a worse mother than you.

Like me.

And one day when you're old,

you're gonna look back and realize that.

When I'm old. And

hopefully, I can also die

84 days around when Ralph dies,

so we can combine our funerals.

Hey, honey. Honey, come here.

- Get over here.

- What?

I have to tell you something.

Are you guys coming?

Uh, you just go on in. Turn on the TV.

Okay, honey? We'll be there in a sec.

Look. I know you got mad when I made

you do your birthday with Ralph.

No. I actually loved combining birthday

parties with Ralph. Really.

It's one of my fondest memories.

Well, I had to do that, okay?

I had to put your parties together,

or else Ralph would

have had no one at his.

Your friends were humans.

His friends were lizards

or crabs or whatever.

We all had to make sacrifices for Ralph.

Good night.

Ralph!

Uh, Eugenia.

You got a minute for the Bousche?

It's Imogene.

Listen, I've been meaning to

talk to you because I'm worried.

You shouldn't be mad at your mother.

Really? And what

exactly qualifies you to say that to me,

considering I've

known you for what, 40 hours?

Because she's been through

a very hard time.

- And she loves you.

- No. Of course she does.

That's why

she had me arrested for stealing her car

and lied to me about my father.

Sometimes information needs

to be kept classified.

Okay, look, no offense, but this is

really between me and my family.

I am part of your family now.

Now, I may look a little

young for the gig,

but in the samurai tradition,

when a man loves a woman,

he automatically becomes

a spiritual guardian for her offspring.

So, what, you're a samurai now, too?

Oh, I've been a samurai for 25 years.

You didn't know that?

No. I didn't. 25, wow.

- That's a long time.

- Yeah.

But thank you,

I think me and my spirit are just fine.

Are you sure about that?

That's not what I'm getting.

I'm getting resistance.

Yeah. Little bit.

That's accurate.

What's the password?

Spuds McKenzie?

Spuds McKenzie.

You may enter.

WOW!

Oh, wow, your room...

Um...

Oh, this was so sweet of you,

but I think I should give this back.

Why don't you want her?

I kind of got a lot going on right now.

I don't really think I'd be

a very good crab mom.

Well, then maybe you could

be her crab buddy.

Um... Yeah. I don't think

I'd be a very good crab buddy either.

Plus I think she misses you. See.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Ralph.

Do you have any money

you think you can loan me?

What for?

So I can go back to New York.

And pay my landlord.

And try to find Dad.

You do want me to find Dad, don't you?

Don't you think it would be cool if

no matter where you were in the world,

you were already home?

Or precisely, that you were just as

safe as you are in your own home,

even when you're not there?

Uh, yeah. Sure, yeah. I guess so.

Um...

Here, sit down.

- Huh? Oh.

- Sit down.

Since the dawn of time,

soft-bellied creatures have been jealous

of mollusks' ability to self-preserve.

But they don't have to be anymore.

I made this.

- Really?

- Yeah.

It has all the amenities

of a typical mollusk's home,

but this one is made of top-grade,

bullet-proof fiberglass,

and I've coated it with

Cyber-Flexx plastic.

It's comfortable enough

for extended use,

and it even has wireless

Internet capability.

What?

I call it "The Human Shell."

Wow.

- May I?

- Yeah, you can touch.

What's it for?

You put it on your back.

And then if you ever need protection

or you want to hide or whatever,

you just pull it down on yourself.

Oh.

Ralph?

Hey, Lee! Hey, wait.

Hey-

Wait! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wait!

Take me to New York.

No.

Why?

Because I have things to do.

Fine. Fine. Then I will stay

here and I will kill myself

and it'll be all your fault.

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