Girl Walks Into a Bar

1

I'm sorry, I'm waiting for someone.

You are

Uh, under normal circumstances,

I'd never turn you away,

but this is a business meeting.

What kind of business are you in?

Um, I work in real estate,

corporate real estate.

What's your name?

Look, I don't mean to be rude.

I swear if you knew me,

I'm the last guy to

say no to a beautiful-

Wow, you can't even tell me your name?

- Dennis.

- I don't believe you.

- Pardon me?

- Let's start over.

No, let's not- I'm not- I can't-

I, I is this like, uh...

You're

- are you a professional?

A professional what?

- I don't..

- I'll tell you my name.

My name is Driver.

You're kidding me.

No, I don't have a sense of humor.

- You're Driver?

- Yes.

- Frank didn't mention that..

- I had a vagina?

It's not his job to talk

about my genitals, Nick.

Jesus

I don't know how I feel about this.

Oh, if it changes things for you.

Well, yeah, it changes things.

By all means, pay attention to that.

How do I know for sure it's you?

You have a dental practice

on Wilshire and Doheny,

you've been married two

and a half years to Karen,

second marriage for you,

Your dog is named Hendrix,

you drive a Land Cruiser,

you hired Frank eight weeks ago.

Okay okay

You're not a cop, are you?

Do I look like a cop?

No

Frankly you look like

a Playmate of the month.

Want to frisk me?

What?

Do you want to pat me down?

Are you messing with me, I can't tell.

I already told you, I

have no sense of humor.

- Are you wired?

- What?

Are you wearing a wire right

now recording our conversation?

- Of course not.

- Open your shirt.

Here?

You go to the gym three times a week,

what's the problem?

My turn

Jesus Christ, what are you doing?

It's LA, Nick, nobody notices

some chick lifting her shirt.

So how do We uh

how does this work?

Frank didn't walk you through it?

He said the less I knew the better

and it'd be done within the week.

That's pretty much all there is to it.

If you knew me, you'd realize

I'm really the most harmless guy.

We're all pretty harmless

until we're cornered, Nick.

Sometimes we find ourselves

in an unbearable situation,

options dry up and we

resort to drastic measures.

It's called survival.

I'm not a shrink, I'm not a priest,

you don't need to

justify yourself to me.

But I'm no idiot, I realize these things

go south more often than moi

Well, not exactly more

often than not, but yes,

there's always a risk.

Thing to remember with cops

regardless of what you read

in detective novels or watch on TV,

theyre pretty dumb

Until they're not.

If you feel so strongly about it,

maybe you should get up, walk away

and we never had this conversation.

I'm passed that point...

and Frank says you're the best

Well, I don't like to brag,

but you're welcome to ask around.

How did you learn to do this?

Why, you writing a book?

No, I'm sorry, I'm just-

It helps me to talk this through.

The less you know about

me, the better all around.

Yeah

I helped liberate Kuwait.

I learned on the job exactly

how to be all that I can be.

Strange Work!

Safer for you trust me

How do you mean?

In this line of work, you

can't imagine the amount of guys

who fall for their targets

and then you've bought yourself

a world-class headache.

No kidding?

Most men see themselves as saviors,

they want to fix things.

Main problem between men

and women right there,

women like to talk about

their problems in detail

ad nauseam

Men just want to fix them

and move onto something

more stimulating.

- Yeah.

- Like blow jobs, sure.

Why did you say that out loud?

A lot of guys don't have

the ovaries for this job.

Now, what's it gonna be?

Do it.

That's 20K

But half before, Frank said.

I remember what Frank said.

Well, I don't have it on me.

I can go, I can get it.

I can be back within two hours.

I'll be here.

Ah, so that's it then?

Until you bring me the

first half and I give you

instructions on how to

get me the second half.

Frank will handle that.

After tonight, you'll never see me again

and your wife will be dead.

No misunderstandings,

let me hear you say it.

No misunderstandings.

I want her dead.

No misunderstandings.

I want her dead.

- Sam.

- Did you get it?

- I got it.

- Great work.

Just hold on to that tape,

let's see where he goes.

Right, he said he'd be back

here in a couple of hours.

Perfect

- Hold on!

- Sorry.

Just sit back, relax,

have a drink on me.

Two even

Talk to you soon.

Hey sorry about that

Oh, no problem.

I'd like to make it up to you.

No need

Here you go

I see you're the kind of

guy that takes initiative.

Is that bad?

No, it'll serve you well.

Don't they card people any more?

I'm older than I look.

- 12?

- Cheers.

- Henry.

- Francine.

Can I ask you a question, Francine?

It depends

By some miracle of circumstance,

I happened to look over there

and you were lifting

your shirt for that guy.

Hmm, that's not a question.

My question, and call

me a hopeless romantic,

is about the extraordinary

possibility of those being real.

Could they be?

You need a girlfriend.

I have a girlfriend.

- Where is she?

- Stood me up.

Aw, a tale of woe,

playing on my sympathy.

Good luck with that.

Are you waiting for someone?

Nope, just gonna sit here

and watch you shoot some pool.

I'm not very good.

Hmm, what would a pool shark say?

I could teach you.

How do you know I'm not one?

That's a good point.

Maybe you flash guys and take

them for all they're worth.

You'll never know.

But what I love most

of all is photography.

Some of my teachers say I

have a real knack for it.

I get myself into dangerous situations

and document them

People seem to trust me.

Like gang bangers and

bikers, weird-ass freaks

who by all means should be

kicking the crap out of me.

They don't find me threatening.

They tell me stuff.

It's a weird talent.

What?

You remind me of my ex-husband.

No, he had some good qualities.

Okay, he's a son of a b*tch,

but he once had a great ass

Wow, I feel objectified here.

Tell me the truth,

did you pick the bathroom lock earlier?

Because I know for a

fact that I locked it.

That sounds all wrong.

Truth is I was just

looking for an excuse

to talk to you.

You weren't trying to get

into the bathroom with me?

No, that's not very gentleman-like.

Not to mention unhygienic.

On that note, I'll be right back.

Which way did he go?

I don't know.

She just walked out on her bill.

- Is he a regular?

- No.

Hey, your friend said you'd settle it.

He is not my friend.

Well you looked pretty friendly to me.

Yeah, well, he stole my wallet

with my keys, everything.

Jesus, do you want me to call the cops?

No! no cops

You have never seen him before?

No

I have.

- Really?

- Yeah, a couple weeks ago,

I saw him hitting on this

little hottie at the Tonga Hut.

Okay, do you know her name?

No, but she has a

tattoo on her shoulder.

it says "Lucky you "

Listen, here is my number,

you hear anything, you call me.

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