Girl Walks Into a Bar Page #2

And the tab?

I just told you he stole my wallet.

Yeah so you say

- What, you think this

is some elaborate routine

to not pay you, I'm a cop.

- You're a

cop? - Ex-cop.

And he stole your wallet.

Save it, I'll find him,

I'll be back in an hour.

Teri:
The roaming eye alights

a solitary, young woman

walking through a den of ill repute.

You know this place or

surely know one like it.

These so-called palaces of sin

where young women in flimsy

underwear gyrate robotically

while male patrons with an otherwise

catastrophically moldy grasp of

male-female communication skills

try out their studliest one-liners

amidst a barrage of staring

and drooling and wagging of tongues.

The clientele at these places

is fairly interchangeable.

You've met one peeler bar

customer, you've met them all.

These guys seem to only listen

to Motley Crew or maybe Zeppelin

and love to play golf.

They usually vote for the

most conservative politician

as long as he looks

and sounds like a jock.

Now that we've established our setting,

let me take this opportunity

to introduce the young woman

with what the consensus of the day,

would surely deem an

extraordinary behind

and a practiced strut.

That would be me, stage name... Trix.

Catholic name... Teresa Augustina,

preferred name... Teri.

One look at me, all supple

youth and feline affectation,

you'd correctly assess I

neither stand out nor blend in.

Appearing by all conventional notions

to simply be one more apathetic

skin-trade participant.

The type of girl with

little or no connection

to the bra burning

activists of yesteryear.

Lucky you, says dare number one.

Dare number two occupies

a more private place.

Although here the term

private is relative,

like all my lucid

revelations are relative,

like my loathing for

gentlemen such as this one,

is relative.

What do you say I take you

far away from all these creeps

and I show you a dozen tricks

I can do with my tongue?

Loathsome because, well,

it's just hideous how he

assumes everybody else is a creep

but not him and his

horrifying invitation.

And relative because I'm pretty

sure he's my second cousin.

However, none of this

occupies my thoughts

as I apply my war

paint and tuck and cover

all my fetishized bits,

those parts deemed the most exciting

in the fashion of the moment.

No, what occupies my

thoughts is the reminder

that I'm not a woman of action.

I'm a woman of will,

but I can't believe in my

will unless I act from it.

Onstage is where I truly

come alive, where I shine,

where I kick serious ass.

You're coming for drinks after, right?

I can't tonight, sorry.

This is the highlight of my day.

The rest is paste.

When their eyes and

crotches are hot-wired

to my every tiniest single move,

that's when I stop time

and I become myself, the real me.

Theresa the Astonishing!

But you already knew that.

Cunning feats of mentalism

and supernatural amusements

performed with the drop of a hat.

Theresa the Astonishing can tell

with the blink of an eye

that Ricky here is obsessed

with his neighbor Colette

and that her complete dismissal

of his pathetic advances

has caused him to purchase

some gamma hydroxyl butyrate

to slip into her drink later tonight.

That Jimmy is secretly, deeply in love

with his best friend Roger,

even though he's assisted

his sociopathic friend

more than once in bashing what

Roger here so sweetly calls,

"Dumb-ass homo pussies."

That Emir Horsain beats his mistress.

That Regis Blackburn Senior

raped his wife repeatedly.

That Marko Castillano is

deep-down a sensitive man

who could potentially

learn to respect women,

but then he does that and you realize

he's got a Way to go

Maybe he doesn't need

all this trust fund cash.

That in his longing for

female companionship,

Nestor "Needle Dick"

Molina, has been harassing

a mute, young clerk

at the public library,

humiliating her with

his dirty insinuations.

- Are you sorry?

- Sorry?

I'm doing her a favor.

What's the problem?

No problem, Needle Dick.

Lei me see it

See What- Hey what are you-

Sometimes Teresa feels mischievous.

Sometimes she can go too far.

But that's why she's

called astonishing, people.

Hmm, three inches.

I suppose he could be a grower.

Sensitive question, Nelson,

are you a grower or a show-er?

Don't lie now, this is vital.

I'm a grower.

You lyin'

Too bad

The whole game is rigged against us.

Somebody's gotta tip the

scales once in a while.

Pow pow pow

Die, little douche bags.

The women of the world sleep

a little cozier tonight.

They are such

world-class jerks tonight.

I don't know how you do it.

Gotta lighten up, babe.

I hate this job.

Hey baby cakes

No, perfect timing, I just finished.

Okay celosita.

Eye

A wife wants to take her

husband to a strip club

for his birthday, all right?

So they go to the strip club,

doorman sees the guy

he says "Hey Dave how you been?"

Walking in, the wife says,

"How did he know your name?

You been to this strip club before?"

He says, "No, no, no, that

guy's on the bowling team.

We bowl every Thursday

night together," right.

Sit down at the table,

waitress comes over and says,

"Hey, Dave, you want the usual?"

She brings him over a Budweiser.

She says, "Wait a minute,

how did that woman know

you drink Budweiser?"

He says, "Well, she's on

the ladies bowling team,

they all know what I drink.

Come on, relax."

Next thing you know,

a stripper comes over,

jumps right on his lap and says,

"Hi, Davey, you want

the usual lap dance?"

That's it, the wife picks

up her bag, leaves the place.

Dave runs after her, he goes outside.

She's just jumping into a cab.

He opens the door, he jumps

in behind her, he says,

"Look,honey,honey, I'm telling you,

that...that woman must have

thought I was somebody else."

She's not having it, the wife,

she's screaming at the top of her lungs,

calling him every name in the book.

The cab driver turns around

at that moment and says,

"Looks like you picked up

a real b*tch tonight, Dave."

Bill - Billy, Billy, can't you see

we're playing cards, you know?

This guy's giving me a headache.

He said it's urgent.

Aw, Billy

All right, be right back.

Don't look at my cards.

Hey

Mr. Aldo, I'm sorry, I

didn't mean to interrupt you.

I know you?

Yo, it's Nick.

Nick.

Nicholas, your dentist.

My dentist?

Nick, you almost gave me a heart attack.

I'm in the middle of a game,

my mind is elsewhere.

What are you doing here?

Um, actually it's about the funds.

The funds?

Yeah, you know, the money I gave

you to hold for me to invest.

The remember the 20 grand?

Yeah, I remember.

- You need it?

- I do.

Right now?

Yeah, sorry for the late notice.

I tried to get in touch

with you, I left you

- a couple of messages,

but... You called my house?

Yeah

You speak to my wife?

Yes

How did she sound?

Did she sound out of breath?

What?

I'm just kidding you.

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