Girls Gone Dead Page #2

We could cook for, like,

an army of men in here.

I know.

At least one day

while we're here,

we should totally try to

make a real meal.

No offense, Kel,

but we've all had your cooking

and I'd like to be the first to

cast my vote as a no.

Second.

Anybody else remember that

cheerleading camp potluck?

Oh, I remember that.

What was that you made,

sweetie?

Cheeseburger souffl?

Oh, what were

you thinking?

Chocolate mousse

should not be layered

- with ground beef.

- Right.

I didn't mean to

make everybody sick,

but the recipes,

they got mixed up.

Blech!

God, Missy, I'm hurt.

I've known you for

how many years

and yet I've never

been here before.

Neither have I,

dumb-ass.

Dad usually rents it.

It just happened to be

empty this weekend,

so he offered it to me.

F***, yeah.

I mean, this place

is amazing and everything,

but does anybody wonder why

our town's former sheriff

would have us stay here,

at party central?

Who cares?

Party...

It's her mother.

Hello, Mother.

I'm amazed it

took this long.

Yes, everything is fine.

What?

No, I already told you, boys

aren't staying at the house.

"Mommie Dearest. "

I'll use them tonight,

I promise.

No, I haven't

tried it on yet,

but I'm sure

it fits fine.

Mom, I really have to go.

I'll call you on Sunday

when we're on our way home.

Love you, too, Mom.

Bye.

What is that?

- Drop it in.

- What?

You heard me.

I'm not giving

you my phone.

It's not just you,

Becky- everyone.

Come on,

hand them over.

Hell, no.

Missy and I decided

that this weekend

there'd be

no interruptions.

Mm-hmm.

No parents,

no boyfriends.

And in Missy's case,

no booty calls.

Uh, what happens if there's,

like, an emergency?

Like Kelly

sets her hair on fire?

Hey!

We'll just have to dunk

her in the pool.

Isn't there a landline?

My dad shut

that off a year ago.

Ever since some f***ing

French a**holes

rang up the bill

calling Canada.

France isn't in Canada.

- Huh?

- Well?

We'll use my phone.

It will be for emergencies

and deliveries only.

Well, I'm in.

Rebecca?

Fine.

Seriously?

Good girl.

Do it.

Whatever.

Anything happens to that, and

you're buying me a new one.

Don't be such a b*tch.

I'm putting them

in a safe place.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go upstairs,

put on my new bikini

and go for a swim.

- Who's with me?

- F*** yeah!

Girls, I'll show you

to your rooms.

Grab our sh*t.

Cannonball!

Whoo!

Whoo!

If you wanted to see them that

bad all you had to do was ask.

Hell, who hasn't

seen them?

Watch it.

Look, I got one!

- Kelly!

- Oh, my God.

Uh, guys?

I think we

may have company.

Oh, sweetie, lack of sex will

do that to you.

- Do what?

- Screw with your head.

Baby, you're starting to see

guys hiding in bushes.

But don't worry,

the girls and I will

take care of that tonight.

That's right!

Yeah, Becky,

we'll help you out.

Are we still going to that

bar you told me about?

Wy Uh-huh. 's!

Daddy says it's crazy

this time of year.

He actually compared it

to Mardi Gras on crack.

So I say we go.

F*** yeah, I'm in!

- Me, too.

- Me, too.

Mardi Gras, I'll go!

We need one more.

Well?

Come on, come on.

What are we waiting for?

Go, Hammerheads!

Oh, f***!

God!

Learn to drive much?

Mud?

Why am I in mud?

It is mud, right?

I hope that's mud.

Where the f*** are we?

This is Wyld Wylee's?

Who knew I'd need

a Malaria shot

to come out tonight?

Look, I say we still go in

and check it out.

What have

we got to lose?

Our lives, wallets.

Ladies?

Everyone have their IDs

with them?

Uh-huh.

Good.

Now follow me.

Nice asses!

Welcome to Wyld Wylee's Oasis.

I'll be your tour guide

for tonight.

Could I get you girls

some of our

famous monkey margaritas?

Um, yeah, hi.

There's not another Wyld Wylee's

around here, is there?

Nope, this is

the one and only.

World famous!

Is there a mortician's

convention in town?

Because this

place... is dead.

Cute.

How old are you,

Sheila?

I'm 26.

Says here you're

born in 1968.

Um, the guy at

the DMV was dyslexic.

Oh, crikey!

No worries, no worries.

Come on, girls,

don't be shy.

Take a table

and I'm going to

bring you some Congo Coladas.

Come on.

There is something really

wrong with this place.

I like it.

It makes me think of,

like, an Irish pub.

What else can I get you?

Um...

I guess we'll

take some nachos.

Would that be small, medium,

or gorilla-sized?

Um, gorilla-sized,

I guess.

Oh, nice choice,

mate, nice choice.

One more round!

Okay?

Two rounds, two rounds!

Becky, Becky, Becky,

Becky, Becky...

Oh, my God, watch out for

the f***ing gorilla!

What are you

supposed to be?

I'm just a helpful primate

bringing you your order.

Well, Dr. Zaius,

you forgot the plates.

I'll get right

on that, ma'am.

Let me swing on over

to the kitchen.

- You do that.

- Whatever.

Something

is very wrong here.

I know what you mean.

That Sasquatch

could talk.

Not what I was

going for, Kel...

but thank you.

No, I'm referring

to the fact that

this place is

called an oasis,

but our bartender is dressed

like Panama Jack,

and this whole place

has a Hawaiian theme,

yet a gorilla just served

us nachos.

Sasquatch.

What?

Thank you.

I didn't order this.

I know you didn't.

He did... for you.

Is he cute?

I can't tell,

I'm seeing two of him.

That's one of him.

On two stools.

You guys are so mean.

I bet he's

a really nice guy.

Well, I am going to

go find out.

- If she were-

- Oh!

If she were at the drive-in,

he'd be the double feature.

Oh, I need a shot.

Here.

Cheers.

Oh...

Oh, why are you so green?

Oh, I don't

feel so good.

I'm going to go to

the bathroom.

I know what will

make you feel better.

I'll get you

another shot.

Speaking of shots...

- Oh, my God.

- What?

You know Becky's

a lightweight.

No.

That.

Eww!

It's like a car accident.

I know I should

look away, but I can't.

Eww...

How much you want to bet

that she does it with

"tons of fun" over there?

I'm in,

I'm f***ing in.

That sounds like

a carnival ride.

Uh, he looks

like a carnival ride.

Hey, cool it, cool it, they're

coming back to the table.

Hey, where's Becky?

I wanted to say

good night.

Go Yeah. t?

Jare- Sorry.

This is Jared.

We are gonna go

for a little drive.

Mm-hmm.

Don't wait up.

Mm-mmm.

Lisa, can I talk

to you for a minute?

No!

We've gotta get going.

Well, how long should

we wait for you two?

Um, he says he's going to take me back to

the house.

I am.

In the morning.

Let's roll!

- Bye.

- Did that just happen?

Are we just gonna let her run

off with some random dude?

She'll be fine,

he seemed really nice.

I mean, he did buy

her a drink.

I'm sure Ted Bundy bought

a few drinks back in his day.

Didn't make him

a good date.

Up next is Wylee singing

"Forever Wasted. "

Come on, handsome.

I can't wait to see

what you're packing.

Ahh!

How about

we go to your place?

I don't know how my landlords

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