Gladiatress Page #4

That's why Im out here, not in there.

But I...I know the law.

No win, no fee?

Permit.

Im with her.

Get off! Get off!

She's...my client!

Urgh!

And she's back.

(Fighting outside)

Mmmm.

Noisy tonight.

(Bones click)

(Purrs)

So...it's true what they say about Roman men.

Yes, we are the world's fastest undressers.

(Toga swishes)

Mmm.

(Splash)

Head between your knees.

DWYFUC:
Oh... Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh! Oh, my God!

Yes!

Actually, just a touch less left hand.

Ooohhh, my God!

Hey, that's not as bad as it looks, you know.

This part here...remind me of a harbour.

The way it is shaped.

You er... You have such-a things in Pritain?

Yes, we do.

And where would such harbours be?

A deep one, where, for instance...

a sailor might come in very, very close,

unload his little boat.

Ye... Yeah, keep talking like that.

With the actions. Yeah.

- There's... There's one in...

- Yes?

- There's one in...

- Yes, there's one in...

- Yes!

- Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

In Deal! In Deal!

- There's one in Deal!

- And where is Deal?

It's just between Sandwich and Rams...

- (Bubbling)

- ..gate

Right, my turn. Roll over.

Pig?

Pig?

Waaaaaah!

(Crash)

I think we could claim for this.

(Marching footsteps)

Cold? I am, too.

Tired? I am, too.

- Wholewheat? Good choice.

- (Screams of agony)

It's the slave!

Ah!

Pig!

Ah...

Yes?

Please don't hit me.

Oh...OK.

Was that you upstairs?

You left quite a mess, you know,

on the mosaicry.

I wonder if you might get me out of this?

I can't. It's off my remit.

Im strictly cleaning and errands.

I like being a slave.

Got parameters and a sense of belonging.

And Ive had something called a bath.

This is the invidious nature of the slave system.

The individual feels gratitude

towards the oppressor

for removing the inherent conflicts

of the liberated self.

This could take about 2,000 years

to work through.

Try a slap.

Im cured.

- (Bawls)

- What's the matter now?

I mean, what's the point of it all, you know?

And what are we all ultimately

doing here anyway?

Er... We're here to save Dwyfuc.

- Who is?

- (Sighs) We are.

Both of us?

Yes.

Yes, and it was the most fortunate thing, Caesar.

We have just this moment

secured the intelligence

Your Excellency has been desiring.

Ah.

An harbour at last.

You have done well, Rhinus.

We invade Pritain tomorrow.

Let's rescue the cow and get home.

So it is true what they say about Pritish women.

Gravy on everything.

Oh, in my country, we have a saying, you know.

Oh, what is that?

More gravy?

Ah... Such a mysterious people.

I have never before made-a love like that.

Stopping only on-a the hour, every hour,

for meals.

Mwah!

No! Basta! I cannot bear it!

By the gods, how could I?

And to the only woman

who in the act of love

has made-a the tears run down my cheeks.

It's all the hair. There's gonna be chafing.

No, no, no. You do not understand.

Tomorrow, I rejoin my legion,

we invade your country.

I only make love to you so you reveal

a harbour for our ships.

That is why all of the moves,

all of the...business downstairs.

My, at times, almost unnatural

withholding of personal release.

Mm. That's a relief.

I thought you had a blockage.

Reveal a harbour?

So you mean it was all a...

Even when you did that...trick with your...

(Bell rings)

Mm.

You faked my orgasm!

Ah...

Well...I only wanted you for your seed.

Now, Ive got it so...ha!

A... No, no, but I...

Ah... I... I never...

(Pops)

Get out.

Get out!

(Dwyfuc sobs)

Scusa, ladies.

(Sobbing)

- Pig?

- Dwyfuc.

Pig!

I don't believe it. Pig!

Look who Ive brought.

Look, it's Smirgut.

I said Ill rescue her. Don't have to talk to her.

Beg your pardon?

It's your accent, I can't quite...

- (Growls)

- Look, will you stop it?

- Oooh!

- Dwyfuc,

someone's told the Romans

where they can land their boats.

What? What complete idiot did such a thing?

What a stupid, stupid, silly, silly kind of stupid...

kind of, sort of slipped out, did it,

kind of silly, stupid thing?

- (Smirgut sighs)

- Oh, Dwyfuc.

Im afraid Ive been rather a silly Sue.

We've got to get back and warn the tribe.

- Yes, we've got to get back and warn the tribe.

- Yeah, we've gotta get back and... No.

No, you go. No, Im not going. I don't want to.

Ah... Im very important here.

They've named a cake after me.

And a washing-up utensil.

Ive got a mural. I need to be here. I need to...

Oh, my gods.

She's fallen in love.

No, I haven't.

- How...

- (Door opens)

- ..ridiculous.

- (Door closes)

Lofacta! My friend!

This is Lofacta, my best friend.

These are my sisters. Pig, the runt.

How do you do?

- Nice to meet you.

- And Smirgut.

I never know how many.

- The Fierce.

- (Growls)

You've got great breasts.

Gaullish women in general have, I mean.

I haven't.

Oh! I was telling them about my mural.

Oh. You have not seen?

No.

Come, come, come.

- That's me, being captured.

- It's so real.

And there's me entertaining the rich and famous.

There's me having coitus.

But even you, Dwyfuc,

have not see the final one.

Yes. Now you have betrayed your country

and the Romans have what they want,

they are going to execute you.

But I thought you liked me.

Liked you?

(Mimics)

Oh, I can eat anything, me, I don't get fat.

I hope you die slowly, you b*tch.

- Now, piss off.

- I want to go home.

Well, come on.

SMIRGUT:
Eugh! What is that smell?

(Flies buzz)

- (Squelch)

- Oh...

Ha ha!

(Squelch)

Someone's coming. Get down.

(Marching footsteps)

Next!

(Folk music)

(Whispers) Hey, I think I see a way

of just walking out of here.

- Rhinus?

- Mm?

Have you been-a shaving your legs?

Abasolutelely not, sir.

(Music ends)

- Why do they do it?

- Nobody knows.

- No-one speaks Scythian.

- Hm.

- Who is next?

- Pictish ambassadors.

Ah. At last, some real business.

Smirgut's plan was dazzling in its simplicity.

Perhaps too dazzling.

(Shuffling)

(Poor Scots accent) Ooh, my piles!

Mm. I suffer the same.

DWYFUC:
Aye, it's the northern damp,

you know. It's the terrible, terrible damp.

Anyone for a treaty?

You are the Pictish ambassadors?

Oh, absolutely.

So...you want a treaty...against the Pritish?

Och, Ill say. We abhor them!

Psst!

Em... Excuse me for a minute, will ye?

(Pig whispers) You d*ckhead!

What?

It's a trick question. Picts are British.

What are you saying exactly?

Picts regard themselves as British.

Oh, f*** it.

To seal a treaty against the Pritish...

..perhaps you'd like to perform for us

the famous Pictish dance...

..of the fish.

Just try and stop us.

Aye, aye, the dance o' fish!

(Bagpipes skirl)

# The fish, the fish, the terrible fish

# The fish, the fish, the terrible fish

# The cloudy eye, the cloudy eye

# It'll make you gag

# Gag!

# Gag!

# A fish, a fish, a fish, it goes with...

# Carrots

# Aye

Crassus, I think we have another act

for your games.

(Mutters)

# Right in a puff, right in a puff

It's the invasion.

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