Gladiatress Page #5

We've got to get out of here and warn the tribe.

We must stick together.

If we stick together, we live.

Ooh, no-one who ever died in a Roman arena

ever thought of that one. Pssh!

- If you make that noise once more...

- What noise? This noise? Pssh!

You'd both better come and look at this.

(Crowd cheers)

They execute people in cold blood

without even goading them.

We may be barbarians but we're not savages.

Except on holidays.

(Crowd roars)

(Whimpers)

Mummy!

CROWD:
Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!

Sorry to be a nuisance. What happens now?

- Warm up.

- Oh. Hold this.

We have brought the Pritish women forward

in the programme, Generalissimo,

so that we can make the morning tide.

You growing a beard?

No.

Open the gates!

DWYFUC:
He's massive.

(Crowd chant)

Now that is a Goth.

(German accent) What Scheisshole is this?

- It's not even finished.

- Boulogne, Your Viciousness.

- Who are they?

- Pritish,

oh, cruel-but-technical one,

for the benefit of Caesar.

I think he saw me.

To celebrate Caesar's invasion of their country...

and to warm your...magnificent muscles.

There's something odd about them.

- They're women.

- Ah, so those are women! Hm.

Ive seen women before.

I like it. Give them swords.

I must warn you,

Im a fully-trained Dubonni warrior queen,

skilled in over a dozen martial arts.

(Sword swishes)

Including the Celtic Kick or Feet of Thunder

as it has become popularilily known.

I can kill a man in...

.. 1 7 different ways.

1 8 if you include cooking.

- Are we friends now?

- Yes.

Right...you feint and Ill do him.

Yeah, I agree, but the other way round.

No, no, Ive got to deliver the first blow.

I can't explain now. It's cos Ive had kids.

- Oh, yeah, bring that up. Im single!

- (Tuts)

DWYFUC:
You've got to be first, haven't you?

Chippy, chippy little child.

Me?

- Don't cause a scene.

- Im not causing a scene!

- Im not causing a scene!

- Shut up!

- Yeah, after you shut up.

- So I can be first to shut up, can I?

(Sighs)

CROWD:
Kill! Kill! Kill!

(Creaking)

I feel good.

Very loose.

Okey-dokey, that's-a lunch!

It's all my fault.

- Don't.

- She came here to rescue me.

She did, didn't she?

(Slaughter continues outside)

I was always so horrible to her.

I wasn't even horrible to her.

I wish Id been more horrible to her

or laughed at her a bit or...

(Dwyfuc whines)

It's too late now.

She's gone.

If only there were gods to help us.

If only they were real

and not just some primitive society projecting

its own moral system

on an unknowable cosmos

in order to justify itself.

F***in' hell!

Who are you?

(Sighs)

I er... I look after your sister.

Only Ive been er...a little remiss.

You wouldn't have such a thing as some

magic chicken innards on you, would you?

Yeah.

(Sniffs)

If these are what I think they are,

we may be in luck.

Stand back.

(Squelch)

SMIRGUT:
She's completely mental.

Disappointing.

Right...

Look.

(Dwyfuc coughs)

Where does this go?

The Other World!

Well, go! Quickly!

The invasion has already begun.

- (Eerie screech)

- (Dwyfuc hums)

- (Screech)

- Ooh!

(Breathes quickly and mutters)

Tunnelphobic.

Shut up.

Don't like it.

Panic attack.

Do you know what, I think this is

one of these tunnels that goes on and on and...

Ah...

Oh...

SMIRGUT:

What the bloody hell's going on here? (Echoes)

It's like home. It's... It's beautiful. But it's different.

DWYFUC:
Oh, it's like when we were kids.

SMIRGUT:
Are we on drugs?

VILLAGERS:
You're great, you're brilliant,

you're wonderful. Waaaaa!

- No, Im not.

VILLAGERS:
No, seriously.

You're great, you're brilliant, you're wonderful.

Waaaaa!

Oh...

Sisters! You came!

Do excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Do excuse me.

Smigs!

Fiercy, fiercy! Grrr.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- So, this is your Other World.

- Yeah. It's everything I ever dreamed of.

- Everything's perfect and everybody loves me.

- We've come to take you back.

What?

Why?

Because...we love you.

Yeah.

Oh.

You've never said anything like that

to me before.

Still not coming and you can't make me.

Ah, but you must want to be rescued

or we wouldn't be here.

What? Um...

Well, Ive changed my mind. Which...

..I can, because it's my world.

Actually, you know,

that's an unanswerable argument.

Mm, it is.

Grab her legs.

What?

Ee. Oooh.

(They scream)

- I see some steps. Going up.

- Oh, thank you. Thank you, gods.

(Crowd cheering)

Fresh air!

- Oh...

- Bollocks.

It's them!

Kill them!

CROWD:
Kill them! Kill them!

Let's just take it nice and easy.

They may not have noticed us.

CROWD:
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

There, you see, what did I say?

Call on your gods, British!

(Cheering)

(Crowd falls silent)

Right in the heart.

Yes, normally, that would be fatal.

- However...

- (Cheering)

..I had my heart moved to the other side

of the chest to counter this.

The same operation, I had my entire

nervous system ripped out of my body

so Im not able to feel any pain

in the vital organs.

Your gods?

I do the little one first.

CROWD:
Schlaffwaffe! Schlaffwaffe!

Ive killed you before, haven't I?

So many shows.

Einmal ist keinmal.

I think this time I will cut you in two,

like I would...half a pig. (Guffaws)

What did you call me?

You called me...half a pig.

No, I said I would half you like a pig.

No, you didn't. You said,

I will cut you, ha-ha-ha, Halfapig.

No, I said half with an F.

Not half a pig the adjectival clause,

but half the active verb - to half.

My name is Worthaboutapig.

We have covered this point, I think.

Say it.

No.

(Screams)

Ooh.

Kill! Kill!

Relax!

(Wails) I can feel nothing!

(All groan)

Oh, no, it's not enough to be killed once

in one day, is it?

Well, I tell you, I have had enough!

I am officially weed off!

You know, just...just because Im unlucky,

and a coward and have bad b*obs

and a face like a pie,

it's all right to always pick on me, is it?

My mother kept me in a bag of weevils

till I was five.

Oh, he's not even listening.

You're not even listening to me, are you?

Why does no-one ever, ever listen to me?

My only friend is a goose so disturbed

he lays long eggs.

Come back, you coward!

I want to die!

I want to be dead!

When I was dead I...I had a dress.

(Cheering)

Pig.

Nice work there, technically, with the teeth.

Are you OK there, little sis?

Yeah. I feel...strangely liberated.

I feel er... I feel good.

Pig!

Now is the time for the Celtic Kick.

Be careful, ragazzi.

They have-a the famous Feet of Thunder.

Always keep-a the eyes on-a the feet.

# Traditional jig

Right...run like, fast!

This way!

- What are you doing?

- Are you mad? We might never come back.

Actually, they're really nice.

I think Ill have a pair.

Nines? Nines?

Oh. Is there anything a bit less strappy?

Um... Have either of you noticed anything

about my breasts?

Wow! You've still got your Other-Worldly ones.

That's the thing, these are actually mine.

Incredible, isn't it?

It's this Gaullish boob holder.

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