Gladiatress Page #6

Going home? Change money?

Come on! There's something

Ive got to take care of in Deal.

We've got to save Britain.

(Drunken singing)

Lo-fac-ta is a two-faced poncy French git!

There must be thousands of them.

Ah, but how many are we?

50? Including geese.

Fools!

They have us surrounded.

They made the most elementary mistake

in the art of war.

Or have I got that wrong?

Oh, who cares?

They have forgotten they are facing

the mighty Tuathfhlaifthfth!

ALL:
Tuathfhlaifthfth!

SOLDIER IN DISTANCE: Halt!

- Shh.

March!

Ill summon a swarm of bees.

Um... No!

I said Ill summon a swarm of bees.

She's getting very wilful, isn't she?

OK, OK, OK.

Right, you go that side, Ill go behind.

If we don't see each other again,

Im sorry about the um...

..you know, the...the...hate.

- Likewise.

- The funny thing is...

..I can't even remember why we hate each other.

- Right.

- Right. No prisoners.

(Banging on shields)

(Geese honk)

Banalla, Orlanna, Assilda,

Den-dallan, Gwenaaaach!

Banalla, Orlanna, Assilda,

Den-dallan, Gwenaaaach!

They come!

- Banalla, Orlanna...

- (Bees buzz)

Assilda... Ahhh!

Tribe, this is it!

- Ahhh!

- Wait!

Look! There!

Down. Come on, boys.

Good.

A...ttack!

(Bees buzz furiously)

(Fearsome war cry)

Last one in's a Kent!

(Mass war cry)

(Queen yells feebly)

- Be careful, ma'am.

- (Coughs)

What's-a going on?

RHINUS:

Their women...they take us from behind.

Barbarians!

Hail, Caesar. I come from Deal Harbour.

The ship anchors have been cut in the night.

A storm comes.

If we do not retreat,

we will lose touch with the fleet.

To the sea.

I never get to see the ladies fight.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, everybody relax! Hey!

Hey!

Caesar...he piss off home!

(Cheering)

Oh! Ow! Get off, you little f***ers!

Ow! You bastards!

Filthy bee! Not up there! Ow! Owwww!

Rhinus!

No, go.

Save-a yourself, Caesar.

The republic needs you.

This invasion's going to need one hell of a spin.

(Tinkling)

(Camp voice) Free at last.

(Chuckles)

Oh, my brave boys.

Congratulations. Well done.

Lovely war. Really lovely.

- Oh, you have got a big wound.

- Only pain, ma'am. Only pain.

Hello. Well done.

I love the blue round the eyes.

Look, great Queen, it's...

the Princess.

Returned.

How many times must I tell you

not to chase strangers!

(Laughter)

Smirgut!

Mummy!

My daughter!

Oh, joy!

Send for her family!

Break open the offal

and fetch the one who imports the beer!

(Cheering)

Baby Smiry!

I actually brought her back, in fact.

Um... And rescued Dwyfuc.

Oh, yeah. I remember now.

That's what the argument was about.

MEN:
Come on, heave! Come on!

Oi, you lot! What do you think you're doing

with that prisoner?

And defeated Schlaffwaffe the Goth

in single combat.

Won't mean much to you,

but he's huge on the continent.

I told you before...

you do not goad...or torment the Romans.

We found him hiding in the woods.

Reckon he's an asylum seeker.

Oh, right. Well, pass me that sickle.

Let's get his head on a stick while he's fresh.

Firmus!

Be quick.

I shall use this one...

..for sperm.

Have him oiled, taken to the maypole...

..and tethered.

(Purrs)

(Jaw clicks)

Im gonna have...a baby!

Im back.

Absolutely pooped.

(Puffs)

Mes dieux!

What?

Your tits!

- Do you mind if I...

- Yes.

Not until you've um...swept the floor.

And given me a big rub and made the dinner.

Sure, baby. Sure.

Thank you.

Yes!

And so Smirgut moved down south,

Dwyfuc got her baby,

and I got you.

JEAN:
Hm?

- Im saying I got you.

- Quoi?

- I get you as a prize for doing well

and I get to keep you in my hut.

- Je comprends pas ce que tu dis.

- You don't understand?

Depuis une heure et demie.

For an hour and a half?

- Your tits.

- You don't speak any English at all?

- Mm, your tits.

- So what have you been doing since I left?

- Your tits!

- Bloody French!

WORTHABOUTAPIG:
Put them down! Get off!

- (Ripping)

Ow! Not up there! Ow! Not up there! Oh! Ooh!

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