Goal of the Dead

---

F*** you!

Something weird's going on.

Some kind of riot.

They're burning cars.

Given the refereeing, no wonder.

GOAL OF THE DEAD

FIRST HALF:

Sam, what's your

town called again?

Caplongue.

It hasn't been my town for ages.

First result for Paris,

Who move up the

table below Evian.

Suprised, Herve? They

made an awful start,

well below par.

So far this year,

it's a disgrace.

In my case, tonight,

no worries for Olympique,

it's a cup game

against amateurs Caplongue.

An easy draw.

Not so sure. There's

still a bit of history.

The Clubs met 17 years ago and who was

the Caplongue star? Samuel Lorit.

Lorit, the club's oldest

player bought from Caplongue

after his brilliant

performances at the time.

Caplongue, weird.

CAPLONGUE:

Testing, testing,

can you hear me?

Now? OK.

1, 2, yes? Right...

See the return of local

boy, Samuel Lorit!

Tonight, feel the heat at Lagrippe!

Hip, hip, hip!

LAGRIPPE STADIUM

Paris had a tough

start to the season,

and have struggled

to get top players.

They have young star Idriss

Diago but he can't do it all.

As they say,

a great #10 doesn't make a team.

Coubert's smart,

because he has few choices.

He only has kids in defence.

Up front, it's all old men.

At least Diago's been rested.

Credit for that.

Calm down!

- Whatever!

- It's all bullshit!

Don't listen to them.

Journalist just try

and stir up tension.

They have got a point.

Idriss, turn it off.

I'd quite like to see

Paris in league 2.

I told you, studs on

in the changing room!

What?

Guys, you have to

step up your French.

You've been here 2 months

and you can't say hello.

Can't understand a word.

Cochini? What hell!

The woman following the team this

weekend is our ray of sunshine,

Solene Bellanger.

The game's not live,

but you'll be there

filling us in.

I'm using this low-pressure

game to get to know

Olympique's star, Idriss Diago,

His interests, his

hopes, and his past.

His past? He's only 12.

As for Samuel Lorit,

He's probably playing one of

his last premier league games.

No! What a great

loss for soccer!

DR.BELVAUX, MD

SAM LORIT Return of a local hero

Time for the magic potion!

You got to focus on

your goal today.

And that goal is?

- Win the match.

- Of course,

But above all?

Revenge, Jeannot! We've

waited ages for this day.

I dunno, Pop. It was

along time ago.

Don't back down now.

I knew it wouldn't be

much fun doping you up.

There.

Martine! Get that?

I'll be right there. Alright.

Kill Sam Lorit!

Sam!

Motherf***er!

A**hole! Dickwad! F***er!

I'll pull off your dick

and f*** you in the eye.

Jizz-eating Parisian gay-boy!

I'll kill you!

Jeannot?

Is it rolling, Fred?

Let's start.

So, Idriss, you're a key

player in this team.

Are you still happy at club?

To be honest, not to

be a drag or anything,

I can't answer without my agent.

It's a contractual thing.

Would say you're the

driving force in the team?

Yeah, maybe. I try to

help the team, you know?

Do you have any role

models, any references?

Yeah, sure, I do have one.

It's kind of down to him that

I wanted to play soccer.

As a kid, when I saw his

videos, I was like, wow!

I tried to do the same moves,

I tried to run like him.

I try to copy his technique.

The was head the ball,

I try to do the same.

He was a real model for me.

He was the one who made

me want to do this job.

But I can't say who,

it's a brand thing.

You have to dominate.

Journalism is a battle.

You're giving in.

Idriss, Idriss?

Next season's coming up, have any

foreign clubs been in touch?

Didn't you hear? I said I can't

answer without my agent.

What's this about?

It's a sort of

introspective look...

I don't do introspective.

He's a footballer,

use your charm.

- Thanks for the tip.

- Sure.

Patricia?

Patricia's the one with big tits.

I'm Solene.

OK, hello.

Exuse me. I wanted to

say, I'm fully available.

- For?

- The introspection thing.

I'm in the middle of it, going

back home after all these years.

Cute, he's gonna see

mom, the farmer.

What's your problem? Want some?

Sorry! You OK?

What was that?

I didn't see a thing.

Whatever it was, we hit it.

Too high for a wild boar.

More like a stag, but a big one!

Could be, but...

Where is it, then?

It's gone away to die.

That's what they do.

Hey, coach!

- What's up Idriss?

- Pee stop, can we?

Use the bus WC.

No way, the cameraman's

stunk it out.

Wait till we're there.

I can't boss. I didn't

go before we left.

- OK, but hurry.

- Right away.

Hey, coach!

- What?

- Can we pee?

OK, go on everyone, hurry up!

CAPLONGUE 1 stadium,

765 seat, 4 ultras.

Teddy to Popeye, do you copy?

I'll call you later. Have fun!

OK, copy that.

Say hi to Satanas

85 and Superwoman.

Teddy, we're sick

of your truckers!

Turn it off, it's so annoying.

- Did you think about the words?

- Yeah.

Here.

Let's see,

Paris, capital city.

Paris, you're so shitty.

That's good. That say's it all.

Paris, capital city.

Paris, you're so shite!

They won't know what hi them!

Mum always said you had

a gift for writing.

You're nothing

without the Ivorian!

Isn't that racist?

Ivorian's not racist. It's

not like I said, black.

Anyway, Diago's not

Ivorian, he's Senegalese.

Senegalese is alright, but

Ivorian's borderline.

Not at all. It's the same thing!

What rhymes with Senegalese?

The club's reputation is on the line.

We don't want bad press.

We don't like Diago

because he's Parisian.

It's a bit like you. Are you

from Paris or here? Who knows?

There's no doubt,

I'm from Caplongue.

- Remind me, where you born?

- Paris.

There you go.

What does that mean? Come on!

My Mum was in Paris and went into labour.

It was an accident.

You're a Parisian!

Hands off the Caplongue anthem.

You've not right.

Pitt, tell him to stop.

Am I from here or not?

Michael, let's say today

is an iniation test.

To be sure you're one of us.

If you pass, you're in.

All for one, Michael.

If you ever cop out

to protect your

Parisian buddies,

you know what to expect. Right?

No, we have to find

something else.

We've got to lose

the Ivorian bit.

We need something

that'll knock them out.

- Will you let me take a look?

- No.

I'm really sorry. That guy was

really getting in my face.

No big deal. Just a nose bleed.

Luckily.

Are we on for the interview?

Let's go Sam. Come on, guys!

I'm sorry!

- Come on. Galliano.

- Thanks, coach.

That's good, let's go.

Souleiman, let's go.

The Parks, come on.

You're really doing my head in.

Come on, lets go.

Yeah, OK, come on, hurry up.

Parisians, all virgins,

Caplongue, big schlong.

Nah, too complicated.

What we need is...

Paris! Paris! F*** you!

Yeah, that works.

Classic, but effective.

Come on, let's do that.

Paris, Capital city,

Paris, you're so shitty.

Paris, city of light.

Paris, you're so shine.

Paris! Paris! F*** you!

Paris! Paris! F*** you!

Hello, gentlemen.

- Hello, boss.

- Not boss, Captain.

So, are you Dingoes

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes