Goats

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Goat Man took me

on my first trek when I was 11.

Not long after that,

he taught me how to do bong hits.

It doesn't matter

where we go on these treks.

We just wander.

Goat Man says it's

the journey that counts.

Which I know is clich.

In a few days, I leave

for the prep school my father went to.

Goat Man's calling this my "farewell trek".

He says I should soak up as much

of the Sonoran sun as I can.

But he's the one doing

most of the soaking.

Whoo!

You won't have all this

at Gates Academy.

Naked men shouldn't squat.

Do you ever worry

about your parents?

Did you ever?

No.

Not really.

Wendy will be fine.

I'll watch her.

Goat Man once told me

that in certain Native American tribes,

an elder leads a young man out

into the wilderness to fend for himself

until he has a vision.

She never lets me milk her.

In one tribe, if no vision comes

they'll chop off a fingertip

and sacrifice it to the Great Spirit.

Thanks.

Goat Man says I'm not quite ready

for this rite of passage.

Sorry I messed up the trek, Goat Man.

It's not your fault.

I should have never let you

come out here with brand new boots.

I should have oiled them

and let you walk around in them

for a couple days

before coming out here.

Goat Man was my parents' friend first.

My mother claims

she can't remember how they met,

but Goat Man told me

he used to sell them peyote.

At one point Goat Man was broke,

so in exchange for cleaning the pool

and taking care of the landscaping,

they let him live in our pool house.

When I was a baby, my father left

and Goat Man stayed.

My mom hasn't paid

a bill in her entire life.

Yet somehow she always knows

how much money she

has in her trust fund.

Ten more minutes.

I'm going away to school, Frieda.

I need you to listen

to Goat Man while I'm gone.

This is my neighbor Aubrey.

She's hot, yes,

but at the risk

of sounding like a misogynist...

I see you, Ellis!

What, are you jacking off back there?

...she's sort of a rancid b*tch.

No, Frieda just stopped to eat.

- That's a goat.

- You're so dead!

Pervert!

Ignore the pain.

Luckily, her meat headed boyfriend

was barefoot.

Messed up feet

and a big cut on your forehead.

Not a very good send off.

Thanks, Goat Man.

Are you packed yet?

Yeah, I finished this morning.

I prepared a bag of buds for you.

That sh*t will cream your spinach.

Ever heard of security checks?

I'll mail it to you.

My roommate better be cool.

He could have the best weed

on the East Coast.

Probably a Facebook addict with halitosis.

My boy's leaving me tomorrow.

Leaving me for the big bad world

of Gates Academy.

Ellis, your feet are all red!

From my new hiking boots.

Figures F***er Frank would send you

third-rate hiking boots.

- Tightwad.

- Those are, like, $300 boots from Italy.

I wish I had a pair.

That's not good parenting.

He should try calling

you once in a while,

at least pretend to care.

I ordered you 14 Oxford shirts.

You'll barely ever have to do laundry.

- Okay?

- Thanks.

Not to mention everything else

that I bought you.

I appreciate it.

You don't have to leave, you know.

You can still change your mind.

You act like I'm going off to war.

You don't get it, do you?

You don't get it.

- I'm sad.

- You still have me.

Jav!

I paid 700 extra to

the electric company,

so you won't have to worry about that

for another three months.

All the other bills are paid,

and I renewed the insurance on the Volvo.

You don't even know

how much I'm going to miss you.

You don't know. You don't know.

You don't know.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

A lot.

Mom.

My flight's in two hours.

The white zone is for

immediate loading

and unloading of passengers...

You don't have to wait.

My flight's not, like, for another hour.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

Go on. The goats are roasting in there.

I'll be fine.

You take care of Wendy, all right?

- I'll call you once I get there...

- Don't worry.

Many rivers to cross, partner.

Bye, guys. Be good.

- I think Frieda ate a map.

- Bullshit.

Frieda!

Damn it.

Wendy has referred to my father

as "F***er Frank"

for as long as I can remember.

So you can imagine her reaction

when I told her

I had secretly applied

and was accepted here,

the same prep school he went to.

So I heard this story

about this guy who went to Berkeley,

and every night when

he would go to sleep,

he would wake up

and his ass would be sore.

So after three months of this,

'cause it got really bad,

he decided to go to the doctor

and try to find out what's going on.

And the doctor said, "Well, have you

been having any anal sex lately?

"Because that's what it looks like

your ass has been doing. "

And the guy's like, "No, no. I'm straight.

Why would I be doing that?"

So the guy calls the cops to see if they

can maybe figure out what's going on,

and it turns out that his roommate

was knocking him out

with colorform every single night

and butt f***ing him. Crazy, right?

Can I hang this on the door?

You must be Barney Cannel.

Yes, sir.

I was hoping Wilt Chamberlain there

was Barney Cannel.

How tall are you, son?

I was 5'10" last time I checked.

- I'm out of shape, though.

- Get in shape. Run for us.

I don't think I'd be any good.

Come on, don't tell me

you're not going to play any sports.

I haven't really thought about it.

Well, think about it.

Dough boy,

we practice every day from 3:00 to 4:00.

You miss two, you're off the team.

Yes, sir.

Where are you going to go to college?

My brother Todd, he goes to Yale.

That's where I'm going. Yale.

- Are you serious?

- Is that guy homeless?

No. He's a botanist.

And a goat trekker.

Is he your dad?

No.

You're only supposed to be buttoned up

for the convocation, moron.

Welcome to Gates, boys.

Hi, I'm Barney Cannel,

Todd Cannel's younger brother.

Right.

Todd told me to tell you

that he very much enjoys Yale.

Thank you.

- And you're Ellis Whitman?

- Yes, sir.

Dr. Eldridge.

We're happy to have you at Gates.

Your father Frank and I were roommates,

you know,

and I was lucky enough

to run with him senior year.

My father ran for student government?

He was class president,

but I meant cross-country.

We were on

the cross-country team together.

How is he?

He's fine, I guess.

You look like him, you know.

Tell him to give me a phone call, will you?

- Yeah, sure.

- See you, boys.

Hey, I didn't know

Eldridge and your dad boned.

It's been 23 days

and four hours since I last got high.

The one kid I thought

was a stoner here

turned out to just be a slob.

There's no good Mexican food

in a 200-mile radius.

Goat Man's been incommunicado.

And when my classless,

Teletubby of a roommate

isn't whining about his grades,

he's copying my homework.

Sorry.

I shouldn't even be here.

Our secret.

You know that one girl

who works in the dining hall?

The one who Rosenberg says

is a prostitute?

That trashy townie chick?

She's always sneaking in the library

and using our sh*t.

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