Going Postal

---

'l've always known that

gods had a sense of humour.'

'Why else would they put us all

on the back of a giant turtle?'

'Of course, l had assumed

l was in on the joke.'

'As it turns out, l, Moist von

Lipwig, am the butt of it.

Can you fax it

to Genua, please, dear?

(LAUGHS)

Bloody hell fire.

When are they gonna spend

some money on this system?

(DOG HOWLS lN THE DlSTANCE)

(MENAClNG VOlCE)

Good evening, John Dearheart.

Who's there?

And good night.

(SCREAMS)

Argh!

(PANTS)

Argh! Argh!

(SCREAMS)

'There is always an angle.'

'l've come to realise it's the one

thing in life you can rely on.'

'The trick is finding that angle.'

'The events l'm about to recount

may seem extraordinary,

callous, criminal, even.'

'But reflecting

on all that's happened,

in many ways, l feel blameless.'

'Perhaps you'd be more sympathetic if

l started from the very beginning.'

'You see, on the day l was orphaned,

l had only two things to my name -

the family nag,

and "nag" is being generous,

and my wits.'

'But wit, and a bit of boot polish,

can turn a nag into a horse...

..for about 20 minutes.'

'Which is all l needed.'

'1 2 horse trades later, and l had

enough cash to get into diamonds.'

$25.

ls that all?

(CASH REGlSTER RlNGS)

'Got her.'

'She'd seen a $1 00 diamond, but

she'd bought a $1 lump of glass.'

'You see, l'm a firm believer

in the saying,

"you can't fool an honest man".'

'lt was on this premise

that l built my career.' (BELL)

'Rob, trick, forge, embezzle.'

'l can't deny

l did every con in the book.'

'And when l finished

the book of cons,

l started writing

chapters of my own.'

News!

Times! Times!

Bond crisis rambles on!

Albert Spangler, chief bursar

for the Undertakers Guild.

You might be interested

in our compensation scheme

for losses incurred by the, er...

..fake bond scandal.

'Good dollars for fake bonds,

fake dollars for good bonds.'

'Switch the cash bags,

add a dash of short change,

bank on a little greed...'

'By the time we'd finished,

l was $200 up.'

'Not a fortune, but enough

for a good night on the town.'

(SNlFFS)

(GROWLS)

Albert Spangler?

Never heard of him.

But for you, l could be anyone.

Could you be lunch?

(GROWLS)

'How was l to know the City Watch's

finest sergeant was a werewolf?'

(GROWLS)

Eurgh!

'l'd been in tighter spots.'

'The mortar was soft.'

'With a decent metal spoon

and time on my hands,

a few weeks' hard digging

and l'd be free.'

(SHOUTlNG OUTSlDE)

(LAUGHS)

(STRAlNS)

(GROANS)

(APPLAUSE)

Well done, Mr Lipwig.

You set this up.

Lord Vetinari's orders.

He calls it occupational therapy.

Occupa...

l call it torture.

Not upset, are you?

Only you've really entered

into the spirit of the thing.

Admirable,

the way you kept going,

stuffing all the dust

into your mattress.

Very tidy.

Now, you really should

get some rest.

We'll be hanging you

in half an hour.

Hanging? For one little con?

That and these.

There's got to be at least

$1 50,000 worth of fraud here.

And these are just

the cons we can prove.

Good morning, sir.

l am Trooper and l will be your

executioner for today. (CROWD NOlSE)

Don't look so worried, sir,

l've hanged hundreds of people

and we'll have you

out of here in no time.

That's what l'm worried about.

Now, before we start,

about your rope, sir.

lt sounds strange, but there's a lot

of specialist collectors out there

and l'm gonna auction it

on the clacks.

lt's the coming thing, you know.

Worth more signed, of course.

(SHOUTS OF "GET ON WlTH lT"

FROM SPECTATORS)

Much obliged.

Which just leaves the small matter

of your final words.

l wasn't actually expecting to die.

Very good.

We haven't had that one before(!)

Everybody ready?

Not me. Not me.

Oh, you are a card, sir.

(LAUGHS)

l bring an edict from Lord Vetinari,

Patrician of Ankh-Morpork.

(LAUGHS) A reprieve!

He says to get on with it.

(SPECTATORS CHEER)

The last words, sir?

l commend my soul to any god

that can find it.

Very nice, we'll go with that.

(CHEERlNG)

(EXHALES)

Ah, Mr Lipwig, l see you are awake.

(STRAlNS)

And still alive at the present time.

Ooh!

You've danced the sisal two-step.

lt's a very precise science,

hanging a man,

and Mr Trooper is a master.

But only an expert

would have spotted

that you were hanged to within

an inch of your life.

The last inch being

the crux of the matter.

You see, sometimes,

when a man has made such a foul

and tangled mess of his life

that death appears

to be the only option...

..an angel appears

and offers him a change of life.

l should like you

to think of me as that angel.

l'm offering you a new life.

(GULPS)

And a job.

(SPLUTTERS)

Little sips.

Now, perhaps, l should point out

that door behind you.

lf, after hearing my proposition,

you wish to leave,

you have only to step through

that door

and you will never hear

from me again.

The job in question is to reopen

the Ankh-Morpork Post Office.

The Post Office?

Mmm.

A moment.

Oh!

(EXHALES)

'Certain death or the Post Office?'

'Hardly a choice,

more an alternative.'

'l'd seen enough of the inside

of a coffin for one day.'

You see, the really interesting

thing about angels...

..is that you only ever get the one.

Do we understand each other,

Mr Lipwig?

Perfectly. (LAUGHS)

Welcome to government service.

And the wage is $20 a week.

Not bad at all.

Please.

Oh, l almost forgot.

Your parole officer will meet you

outside in ten minutes.

Parole officer?

But l'm a respectable

member of society now.

Oh, he's a very respectable

parole officer.

(LAUGHS)

Whoo-hoo!

'The fools had gifted me

a second chance.'

'All l had to do was run faster

and run longer.'

'The plains lay ahead of me.'

'By nightfall,

l'd be in a feather bed

and, by morning,

l'd be back in business.'

(BREAKlNG GLASS)

Uh?

(BANGlNG/WOOD SPLlNTERlNG)

(BOOMlNG VOlCE) You can't run

and you can't hide, Mr Lipwig.

That's what you think.

You gotta be kidding.

Argh!

The rules must be obeyed.

A-a-a-rgh!

l have nothing but good feelings

towards you, Mr Lipwig.

What the hell are you?!

l am your parole officer

and your safety is my concern.

(SHORT SNORE)

(LETS OUT STARTLED SOUND)

Regrettably, we meet again.

Yet l specifically remember saying

that you only ever get one angel.

You didn't say you were gonna set

a clay monster on me.

Rather harsh.

Mr Pump is not a monster,

he's a golem.

lt walked all night,

carrying me and a horse. Quite.

You have to sleep, Mr Pump does not.

You have to eat, Mr Pump does not.

There is no escape for you.

There is only a choice between

reopening the Post Office and...

(FAlNT RUMBLlNG)

But... (NERVOUS LAUGH)

Who cares about the Post Office?

No one posts anything any more,

it's all clacks, clacks, clacks -

look at it.

Do you play Thud, Mr Lipwig?

lt's a fascinating game.

My current opponent is far away

in Uberwald and we play by clacks.

Well, that's the theory, but there

are so many service breakdowns.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes