Going Postal Page #2

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Now, as a disgruntled customer,

l should be able to take

my business elsewhere,

but with no postal service,

l am stuck.

And l don't like to be stuck,

Mr Lipwig.

But why me?

Because wheels are in motion,

Mr Lipwig.

Wheels within wheels.

And it is time

for your cog to turn.

(BELL)

The postmaster has the use

of a small apartment.

And l believe there is a hat, too.

Mmm.

'There was nothing for it

but to deploy Rule 1 3 -

when captured,

turn enemies into friends.'

Can we talk frankly, Mr Pump?

A golem is incapable of lying.

Really?

How unfortunate for you.

Fact is, l'm worried.

Lord Vetinari works you so hard.

lt's just not right.

l was built to work.

Don't you ever just want

to kick back and take a day off?

You misunderstand.

Pump is not my name,

it's my description. Pump 1 9.

l stood at the bottom

of a hole 1 00ft deep

and pumped water into the city,

for two centuries.

But now, l walk in the sunlight,

feel the wind on my face.

This is better.

Trouble is, sooner or later,

someone always comes along

and blocks out your sun.

What do you do then, Mr Pump?

Ah, it doesn't look

in bad shape at all. (CHUCKLES)

This is not the Post Office.

That is.

"No glom of nit

can stay these mes

engers abot their duty."

What the hell does that mean?

lt means, you have work to do.

Really. Where do they find them?

We should be, er,

going now, Reacher.

Have you seen this, Horsefry?

lt looks likes some other fool

has been suckered in

to running the Post Office.

lf we're late for Vetinari,

we'll be in big trouble.

Oh.

Remind me to look

appropriately scared.

(DOOR CREAKS)

They can't expect me

to fix this on my own.

Oh! You won't be on your own, sir.

(LAUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Groat, sir, junior postman Groat.

One word from you, sir,

and l will. .. (COUGHS)

l will leap into action.

Junior postman Groat?

lndeed, sir, yes -

it should be senior,

but nobody's ever stayed

long enough to promote me.

And you are it?

Oh, no, sir, that would be

ridiculous. No, no.

Well, l want to meet

my entire staff.

Oh, certainly, l'll take you

straight to him, sir.

Come this way.

(LAUGHS)

Stanley!

Mr Lipwig, the new postmaster.

Oh.

Oh, l see you know something

about pins, Stanley.

No, sir.

l know everything about pins.

Last year,

the pinneries of Ankh-Morpork

turned out 27,880,972 pins.

Born in the sorting room, sir.

Learned to read from envelopes.

We did our best for him,

but he's a bit "return to sender",

if you know what l mean.

That includes wax-headed, steels,

brasses, silver-headed,

extra-large...

..and novelty.

Yes.

l saw a magazine about this once.

Pins Monthly?

(SLAMS BOOK SHUT)

That rag is for hobbyists.

True pinheads only read Total Pins.

Ah. Erm, will you be staying down

here with us, sir?

(LAUGHS) No, no. l was told

there's an official apartment.

Oh, you want to stay there?

There is the hat, too, sir.

The hat of office. (LAUGHS)

Ah!

Ah, ha-ha. Magnificent.

(SPlTS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

lt's magnificent, isn't it, sir?

You don't seriously expect me

to put that on my head?

lt's a time-honoured tradition, sir,

and it must sit

on the postmaster's head.

Get off me!

Sit with dignity.

Stop it, Mr Groat! Enough!

This is going straight

to the city dump.

(SOUND OF DESPAlR) We expected more

keenness from the postmaster.

Keenness?

Like him and his pins.

Keenness beyond the bounds of sanity.

Perhaps, if you'd been a bit more

keen about being postmen,

we wouldn't have a million letters

stuck out there.

l don't think l like him, Mr Groat.

(SCOFFS) Don't worry, Stanley,

he won't be here long.

The problem is, Mr Gilt,

since you acquired the clacks,

breakdowns have increased.

The speed of messages has slowed

and the cost to customers has risen.

With respect, my Lord,

we are answerable to our

shareholders, not to you.

Then perhaps your shareholders

will be interested to learn

that l am reopening the Post Office.

(COUGHS)

That lumbering, overstaffed monster

that collapsed under its own weight?

The people of Ankh-Morpork

deserve choice

and currently, the only choice they

have is between you and nothing.

And the problem is?

Don't let me detain you.

ls that an original bluestone slab?

l take my Thud very seriously.

(LAUGHS)

We should play a game sometime.

We already are, Mr Gilt.

We already are.

He really means business, this time,

Reacher. He really does.

Don't panic, to mean business

you need to have a business

to start with.

And...

What's that on your face?

lt's nothing. Just nerves.

lt's revolting.

Anyway, this fellow Lipwig

has half-wits for staff

and a four-year backlog of mail.

There will be no renaissance.

Especially once

l've enlightened him.

(LAUGHTER)

Enlightened him!

(LAUGHTER CONTlNUES)

What happened here?

Happen, sir?

Post offices should deliver mail,

not hoard it.

We-we just, er,

just got a bit behind, sir.

What was that?

Er, er, what, sir?

lt's probably just a pigeon, sir.

Mr Groat, l don't think

you're being honest with me.

Maybe l should just sack you all.

Er... (STRUGGLES FOR WORDS)

You could do that, sir, but then,

who would fill the inkwells, sir?

lnkwells?

Gotta keep the inkwells filled, sir.

Just like in the old days. Yes.

Ah, you should've seen it, sir.

Brass and copper everywhere,

counters of rare wood

and teams of postmen.

Teams, sir, all lined up

under the great clock.

Their uniforms all royal blue

with brass buttons.

Ah, this must be my apartment.

Now, all we've got is you, sir.

'You might understand,

by this point,

l was almost feeling nostalgic

for the gallows.'

'This wasn't a Post Office,

it was a lunatic asylum.'

'Somehow, l had to escape.'

Excellent work, Mr Pump.

That's it,

you just keep on shovelling.

Don't stop for anything, now.

l have your Karmic signature

on my internal tablet.

Fascinating.

Which means l know where you are

at all times.

So, if you were thinking

of escape...

Escape? Me?

No, no, no.

No, l was just off to er...

Erm... Um...

..deliver a letter.

lsn't that what postmasters do?

l will know

if this is not delivered.

Don't you trust me, Mr Pump?

l want to trust you, Mr Lipwig,

l really want to.

(SlGHS)

'Everyone has their levers.'

'With Pump, it was doing your duty.'

'With Groat, it was promotion.'

'But with Stanley...'

(LAUGHS)

Well, well. (LAUGHS)

(SHOP BELL)

Hello.

Hmm.

(Ow!)

ls, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

ls this a good one?

lt's alright for the novice,

l suppose.

Personally, l prefer Practical Pins

or World of Pins.

Then there's Pins Monthly,

New Pins, Modern Pins, Pins Extra,

Pins lnternational, Talking Pins,

Total Pins, Pins and Pinneries.

Or...

Certainly has

a lot of women in leather.

Yeah.

But they're all holding pins.

(Actually, l was wondering if

you'd got anything a bit sharper?)

l don't do nails.

We get kids in here.

No, no, strictly pins, that's me.

Well, as it happens,

l might have one or two items

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