Going Postal Page #3

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for the genuine collector.

Excuse me.

l'm looking for Antimony Parker.

He's out the back,

tackling the difficult cabbage.

Perhaps you could give him this.

Tell him the Post Office apologises

for the delay.

Don't worry. lt can't be a bill,

it's sealed with a loving kiss.

(LAUGHS) OK.

l know it's been a while,

but we're finally reopening.

l'm the new postmaster.

l am so sorry. l really am.

You've really done it now,

Mr Lipwig.

Who the hell are you?

The man who's trying

to save your life.

Step aboard.

They didn't tell you, did they?

Tell me what, Mr...?

Gilt. Reacher Gilt.

You know about the Post Office?

l know about everything

that goes on in this city

and l'm begging you,

run straight back to wherever

it is you've come from.

lf only it was that easy.

Mr Lipwig, whoever gave you this job

has put you in mortal peril.

The fact is, the last four

postmasters have died

in dreadful circumstances.

Died?

They say the Post Office

has a curse on it.

And now you've actually delivered

a letter...

Why would anyone curse

the Post Office?

l'd be more worried

about why no one told you.

(LOUD BANG)

Oh!

'So, facing imminent death,

l decided to approach my staff

in a calm and rational manner.'

Were you just gonna

stand by and watch?

You can't shout at me, sir.

While l met a gruesome end.

lt's against regulations.

Bother the regulations!

Don't you hurt Mr Groat!

Oh! Stanley, Stanley, wait!

Look what l've found.

l was just walking down Market Street

and there it was,

between two cobblestones.

ls it a number-three,

broad-headed extra-long?

And it was just lying around?

That's hard to believe, isn't it?

lt's a collector's piece.

But it's yours now, Stanley.

Really, Mr Lipwig?

l have got a place

ready and waiting for it.

l'm sorry l broke the regulations,

senior postman Groat.

That's all very well, sir, but...

Did you say "senior postman", sir?

l'm in charge, which means

l can promote you, yes?

Now, senior postman Groat,

let's pop upstairs

and discuss exactly what you

know about those dead postmasters.

What do you think?

Actually, it quite suits you.

l'm sorry if l was disrespectful

about your traditions.

Perhaps l was feeling

a bit overwhelmed.

l understand, sir, yes.

Yes. Well, the Post Office was one

of the great ships of state, sir.

So what happened

to the previous captains?

They were very unlucky, sir.

Postmaster Mutable was the first.

Decent chap.

He fell into the sorting hall

from the fifth floor,

smack, sir, smack

on to the marble, head-first.

Oh, it was like a melon hitting.

l get the picture.

Then there was Postmaster Sideburn.

He fell down the back stairs

and broke his neck.

Three in the morning, it was.

So they all fell?

No, sir.

Postmaster lgnavia, he was

just lying dead on the floor.

Dead as a door knob, sir,

with his face contorted,

like he'd seen a ghost.

A ghost? Then it is true.

The curse.

No, that's just malicious talk.

l swear me and Stanley have

never seen nothing of no ghost.

Sir...

(WHlSPERlNG VOlCES)

All l'm asking for is a head start.

No, Mr Lipwig.

Your punishment

is to fix the Post Office.

Exactly.

Not to meet a horrible death.

(LAUGHS) l am just a conman.

You have killed 22.8 people.

l've never so much as drawn a sword.

You have stolen,

embezzled and swindled.

You have ruined businesses

and destroyed lives.

When banks fail,

it's not bankers who starve.

ln 1 ,000 small ways, you have

hastened the deaths of many.

You did not know them.

You did not see them bleed.

But you snatched bread

from their mouths.

There will be no running.

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

(GROWLS)

Hands where l can see them.

lf you're trying to kill me,

you'll have to get in line.

We had some unwelcome visitors

last night.

This must be yours, then?

You can keep it.

l prefer my clay

with more life in it.

So, erm, why did they...?

Some people don't like golems.

They think they take away jobs.

The trust stands up

for golem rights.

Moist von Lipwig.

Oh. That's quite a name.

Were your parents stupid

or just plain cruel?

Doting. lf a little unwise.

Adora Belle Dearheart.

l've never seen black

look so adorable.

lf you say "adorable", l'll be

forced to shoot you after all.

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

l'm in mourning,

if you must know.

Oh... l'm sorry.

l doubt it.

'This was not a good start.'

'What surprised me was how much

l wanted it to be a good start.'

'Of course,

l'd heard about emotions like these

but l'd never actually felt any.'

Now that we've been

appropriately human,

what was it you wanted?

l need to find out

what makes golems tick.

We do a pamphlet.

Five pence.

The thing is, l'm trying to persuade

mine to see the bigger picture.

lf you want to manipulate him,

you might as well give up now.

M-m-manipulate.

Such an ugly word.

The great thing about golems is

they're loyal and incorruptible.

Unlike people.

How-how true.

(SlGHS) Which golem is it?

Pump 1 9.

Hmm. Oh. The Post Office.

So you must be...?

The postmaster. Yes.

Well.

lf anyone can save Mrs Lipwig from

becoming a widow, it's Pump 1 9.

Actually, there is no Mrs Lipwig.

You don't say.

Miss Dearheart.

l don't suppose you'd like

to have dinner tonight?

With you?

No.

l've got things to do,

but thanks for asking.

No problem.

Just remember. lf you want to stay

alive, stay close to Pump 1 9.

Very close.

Promise me you won't leave.

l promise.

(SlGHS)

lf the curse were to strike tonight,

what could you actually do?

lmprovise.

(OK.)

(RUSTLlNG NOlSE)

(WHlSPERlNG VOlCES)

Mr Pump?

Mr Pump!

(WHlSPERlNG VOlCES THROUGHOUT)

Brr!

Oh!

(CRlES OUT)

Mr Pump!

Argh! Get away!

(SOUND OF PROJECTOR RUNNlNG)

No.

(WHlSPERlNG VOlCES CONTlNUE)

No, no!

Mr Lipwig.

No!

Mr Lipwig!

Wake up.

Did you see it?

The farmer.

l stood here all night.

You slept soundly.

No! (PANTS) lt was real.

l can't stay here.

Are you the postmaster?

What?

You delivered this.

l didn't mean any harm.

l was just doing my... job.

Ah. You've made me

the happiest man in the world.

She said yes. She's gonna marry me.

lt was just stuck in the post.

All this time,

l thought she didn't care,

but now you're back in business.

The wedding invitations.

You're giving us letters.

Oh, sorry. Lots to organise.

How does it feel to make someone's

life better, Mr Lipwig?

Unusual.

Just what we need, more letters.

l'll put them in the queue.

Maybe you should deliver them.

What?

Deliver them?

You're all postmen.

Surely it's your solemn duty

to deliver?

Hmm?

Now, how does it work?

You got the money, did you sir?

Mm-hm.

Then we need to put

the official stamp on, that's it,

to show that it has been paid.

Oh, yes, er.. . Right.

l get this stamp. This stamp.

And bang it on the ink pad.

And then, sir, then, l bang it.

Bang it on the letter.

There.

Oh.

Oh, you don't know how good

it feels to do that again.

And this is worth a penny?

Yes.

Opportunity knocks.

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