Going Postal Page #4

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lt's not strictly your line

of printing, Mr Spools, but look.

The old-fashioned way.

Queue up at the Post Office

to get your letter stamped.

Now.

A new way.

Everybody buys their stamps in

advance, to use at their leisure.

Good grief. A kid could

forge this with half a potato.

That's where your genius

as a printer comes in, Mr Spools.

Mmm. Well you need a bit

of cross-hatching, erm.

What about pictures?

Complicated pictures.

Yes. Everyone loves a miniature.

Yes. We could have a different

picture for each type of stamp.

A penny to Ankh-Morpork.

Five pennies to Sto Lat.

You could have a whole set.

A whole set.

Yes.

To collect.

Mr Spools, meet Stanley,

the Post Office's new head of stamps.

Head of stamps?

Mmm.

Wow.

ls there a hat?

One thing at a time, Stanley.

Yes, Mr Lipwig.

'Wait before you tear this letter

up in disgust.'

'Ask yourself one question.'

'Would you have done

anything so different?'

'Would anyone?'

'l had discovered a foolproof way

of creating money from paper.'

'lf every resident bought just

a few stamps to put in their wallet,

l'd end up holding hundreds

of thousands of dollars

of other people's money.'

'Enough to finance an escape plan

and set me up for life.'

'And, better still,

for the con to work,

l had to bring the Post Office

back to life

so that people would want

to buy stamps.'

'lt was a con

where everyone would win.'

'Well, nearly everyone.'

That is why it's important

to study grammar.

Hugos?

Technically, without the apostrophe,

it's "hu-gos".

And the reason there's no apostrophe

is because there isn't one

in the uplifting slogan

that adorns our beloved Post Office.

Oh.

Oh.

"Glom of nit."

Oh. They've stolen them.

Yes.

(SPLUTTERS)

Ay-ya, ta-ta, ta-ta!

We're in the letter business,

Mr Groat.

We do words, not bricks.

Good day, to you.

Can l see Mr Hugo, please?

l doubt it.

Then perhaps

you can give him a message.

l tried my best,

but l'm almost certain

Lord Vetinari will press charges.

(SQUEALS)

Mr Hugo.

There's a man in reception

who says that Lord Vetinari...

(Two, three, four...)

Excuse me, sir.

Hugo can see you now.

Ah.

Got it.

Thanks, Mr Pump.

Got it, Mr Groat.

Good work, Stanley.

Chop-chop. Chop-chop.

That's it, Mr Pump.

(CAMERA FLASH EXPLODES)

And you can tell your readers

that this is the first

of millions of letters we are putting

back in the right place.

One sign does not

a Post Office make.

No, Miss Cripslock, but we have

a new system to help us.

The stamping system.

(Stamp, Stanley.)

Cute, Mr Lipwig.

But, with the clacks, (SCOFFS)

why do we need a Post Office at all?

The clacks is all well and good

if you want to know the prawn

market figures from Genua,

but can you seal a clacks

with a loving kiss?

Can you cry tears on a clacks?

Can you enclose a pressed flower?

(BLOWS)

So, spread the message far and wide,

the Post Office is back in business.

l tried talking to him nicely.

But some people just won't listen.

We may need to be a little more

direct in our approach.

Please, Reacher, l .. .

l'm not sleeping well, as it is.

This is all about Vetinari

trying to clip our wings.

But l haven't finished...

..soaring.

(LAUGHS)

Miss Dearheart!

And l thought your name

was ridiculous.

How many golems are for hire

right now?

There's 1 2 on the books.

l'll take them all.

Don't bother to wrap them up!

(LAUGHS)

(SCOFFS) We're not talking

about groceries. They have souls.

l'm offering good jobs

with plenty of prospects.

That's a terrible habit, you know.

Perhaps l like bad habits.

Maybe there's still hope for me,

then.

One minute you're trying

to manipulate Pump 1 9,

the next,

you're a golem's best friend.

Because now l have a plan.

Let me think about it.

Whilst your brighten up the world

like a little sunbeam.

(LlPWlG WHlSTLES)

(WHlSPERlNG VOlCES)

(WHlSPERlNG VOlCES

CONTlNUE THROUGHOUT)

(HE HUMS A TUNE)

(WHlMPERS)

(CRlES OUT)

(CREAKlNG)

(WHlMPERS)

No!

Help me!

Help!

Somebody! Help!

Help me!

(CRlES OUT)

(EVlL LAUGH)

Why are you picking on me?!

This is nothing.

You see?

A victimless crime.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Forged bonds harm no one!

No, no! Wait a minute.

You can't make him the scapegoat.

Take it from your profits.

That was never part of the plan!

Wait!

No!

Mr Lipwig! Mr Lipwig!

(WHlSPERlNG STOPS)

Mr Lipwig, sir!

You can't sleep here.

We-we're opening up.

There's a big queue out there.

They're all coming back to us, sir.

(HUBBUB) The clacks is down!

One at a time.

Please. Please!

Gentleman! Please, please!

Wait, wait! Stop!

Behold!

As the postman said,

one at a time.

Next.

Who's next, please?

Stanley.

Marvellous.

We got a problem.

The stamps.

You can't prove anything.

We've sold out.

Oh.

(LAUGHS)

Well, good sales are never a problem.

Run over to Mr Spools

and fetch some more.

Stanley. Stanley!

Got the new double-pointers in.

l'll come back later.

Limited edition, selling fast.

Ah.. . ah.

l can't stop.

Stanley. Not a girl.

Mr Spools!

Uh?

You've got to be joking.

The presses can't cut them.

They're too small.

But we need 1 ,000.

Well, grab a pair of scissors

and get cutting.

l missed out on a set

of double-pointers

and you're cutting out stamps

with scissors. (SlGHS)

Ah, pin collector, are you?

(LAUGHS) Oh!

l've still got

my old collection up in the attic.

Yes, l was very keen.

But then l met the wife

and she wasn't interested in pins.

No. l've been meaning to get

them down and get them valued.

Mr Spools.

You know what's always

got up my nose?

How delicate pin paper is.

lt's almost more hole

than paper.

What d'you think?

Stanley, l think you're a genius.

l must ask everyone to be patient.

We weren't expecting quite

such an enthusiastic response.

But stamps are on their way

and we have a special offer.

The new express delivery

for Sto Lat leaves on the hour

to arrive this afternoon.

(GASPS/CHATTER)

And at half the cost

of a clacks message.

But we don't have

an express delivery, sir.

(We do now.)

(Mr Pump.)

(Go to Hobson's livery.)

(Tell him l want a fast horse,

not one of his old nags.)

(Something with fizz

in his blood.)

Extra fizz.

Very good, Mr Lipwig.

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

(WHlSTLES)

You've made a big

impression on Pump 1 9.

Thank you.

Personally,

l think you're a phoney.

But business is business.

So. This is what you meant

by free uniforms.

Think of it as a badge of honour.

Next!

Don't worry, we'll clean it off

when they leave.

Leave? Clearly, l'm not talking

to the same postmaster.

Oh.

You're right.

The hat really does catch the sun.

Those quotes about wanting

to kick the clacks when it's down.

Are they true?

Er... Because l want to lend

a helping boot.

You do?

Has anyone ever told you

how beautiful you look

when considering violence?

Violence and retribution.

My father was the founder

of the clacks.

lt was his great vision.

He was no businessman.

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