Going Postal Page #8

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(ALL SHOUT HERETlC)

Well, now you mention it,

l can definitely see a praying man.

(ALL EXCLAlM)

(ALL GO QUlET)

(MAN MUTTERS) He can see.

What's going on?

You're under arrest,

that's what's going on.

(YELPS)

Hello again.

(STANLEY) Mr Lipwig.

l demand you step aside.

Can't you wait

until Mr Lipwig returns?

Mr Lipwig is in breach of contract.

But we golems

are satisfied with him.

You've been manipulated by him.

Not manipulated.

Persuaded.

Now you're making me angry.

Pump 1 9.

l will assemble the golems.

Mr Lipwig.

You've had a most strenuous day,

have you not?

Can't be as strenuous

as signing death warrants.

Joke.

Oh, l'm sorry, l hadn't realised.

Do tell me if you feel obliged

to make another.

To be honest, today has all been

a bit of a blur.

There's $1 50,000 buried

in the forest.

And you have no idea

how it got there.

lt's miraculous.

A remarkable coincidence that

it is precisely the sum of money

that was hidden

by a notorious conman.

Conman?

Who was that then?

We hanged him. He's dead.

lsn't he?

Yes. He's dead.

Excellent.

So, as this money

is a gift from the gods,

it should be used for

the public good, should it not?

The eyes, Mr Lipwig.

Hmm?

You can trust me.

Oh, that.

Made from turtle egg shells.

lngenious.

Thank you.

l meant me

for making you postmaster.

Ah. Marvellous.

Mr Lipwig.

But if l'm to restore the Post

Office, l have to pay the builders.

Send the bills to Drumknott.

Your job is to make sure

that Reacher Gilt

is in no position to burn

the Post Office down again.

He's a murderer.

An accusation

for which you have hard evidence?

Your spies could find some evidence,

no doubt.

Spies?

l did hear there was a man

on the inside.

But he was dropped

from his position.

Quite literally.

John Dearheart was your spy?

He was a spy.

But he didn't get very far.

Perhaps if he'd possessed

the agile mind of a conman,

he might have had more success

as a spy.

You think l'm some thug piece

to be moved around at your leisure?

Precisely.

No.

l won't be your spy.

Shame. Miss Dearheart

would have been impressed.

(ADORA) lndeed it is

the very essence of golem.

But enough is enough.

This postmaster, this Lipwig,

is an exploiter.

The Golem Trust can't allow it

and won't allow it.

Just because

you don't need a tea break

doesn't mean you're not

entitled to one.

Right now the Post Office

needs you more than you need it.

There is only one course of action

to take in those circumstances.

Strike and strike hard.

So what do we want?

OK.

OK, let's go straight to the vote.

All those in favour of

an immediate withdrawal of labour

raise your hand.

Oh, l see.

l suppose you all think the sun

shines out of Lipwig's backside.

Very well.

But don't come running to me

when you're so worn out

that the only thing you're able

to hold is a pot plant.

Adora.

Adora, wait.

How dare you turn my golems

against me.

You're the one who said

they can't be manipulated.

The brochure is being revised.

Did you know your brother was a spy

for Lord Vetinari?

You really will say anything

just to get my attention.

lt's the truth.

Let my brother rest in peace.

Fine, then here's what we'll do.

We'll keep on fighting day and night.

We'll make sure

we never share information

that could damage the clacks.

That way Reacher Gilt's sure to win.

You think you're the only one

who can bring down Reacher Gilt.

The arrogance, the conceit.

l don't need you.

l'll show you just how much

l don't need you.

The one-woman crusade, how noble.

You'll see. The whole city will see.

Good work, lads.

Are we ready, Mr Groat?

Just a few more, sir.

Bet you're glad you invented

perforations, eh, Stanley?

Strange thing is some people

are sending letters to themselves.

What?

Once the stamp has been through

the post it makes it more real.

You see, people are collecting them.

Just like you and your pins, eh?

Pins?

Oh, pins.

No, pins are just

pointy metal things.

Ready to roll, sir.

All you good people of the city.

Now run in conjunction

with Hobson's Livery,

it gives me great pleasure

to crack the whip

on the overnight express

to Sto Lat.

So much for us having won.

How dare the gods work against me.

l don't remember

giving them permission.

Why don't we just concentrate

on our own business?

Because Lipwig's taking

our business.

Look at them.

One artist's impression...

and they believe.

Of course,

posting the letter is one thing.

Making sure it arrives

is another thing altogether.

Yah! Yah!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, here we go again.

What's up?

lt's jammed.

Maybe it's iced up.

Better call maintenance.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Like we got three days to waste.

(SPEAKS JlBBERlSH)

Princess,

you've got to come and see this.

l'm looking right at it.

A fault?

lt seems it's spreading

right through the system,

which is why we need

to shut everything down now.

Shut down the entire clacks?

lt's the only way.

Did l tell you the good news,

Mr Pony?

l'm recommending you for a pay rise.

A substantial pay rise.

And l'm pushing for a bonus, too.

That's very generous of you,

Mr Gilt.

Nothing less than you deserve,

Mr Po-

Or may l call you...

..George.

Problem is, George,

l have to answer to the board.

And what will they say

when my very next sentence is,

"Mr Pony wants to shut down

the clacks."

Well, you don't have to be

a boardroom veteran

to work that one out, do you?

l want you to have that bonus,

George.

l really do.

So l'm going to ask you

just one more time.

Are you absolutely sure you can't

solve this technical hiccough

without having to shut down

the whole system?

Well, maybe we can come at it

from a different angle.

By damn it, George,

you've talked me into it.

l'll tell the board you've got

the whole thing under control.

Your skill and ingenuity

will be the saving of the company.

l hadn't budgeted for any pay rises,

Reacher.

You won't have to.

Money dangled is much more

effective than...

(BOTH) ..money given.

Er, talking of wages.

How much did you pay

the banshee in the end?

What does it matter?

l just need to reconcile my ledger.

You mean you actually intend

to write down how much

l paid an assassin?

l've always done it in the past.

Well, got to keep records, Reacher.

Can't cover your tracks if you

don't know where you've left them.

And is that the only ledger?

No, l've got dozens of them

going back years.

Oh.

l'd love to see them, Horsefry.

Really?

Yes.

They're in my office.

Come up any time.

Now, Crispin.

l want to see them.

Now.

Never shown any interest before.

No.

Well, l'm very interested in...

..settling accounts.

Thank you.

There you are.

So that's what she meant.

Mr Lipwig, sir.

Oh, calamity.

The mail coach is back, sir.

Already?

But there's no mail.

And not much coach.

So efficient.

Thank you.

Nice to be appreciated.

What have you done, Horsefry?

Er...

..my job.

Account for things.

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