Going The Distance Page #4

- Yeah.

- She got a nice ass?

Like the wind.

- What the hell does that mean?

- I have no idea.

Please. Two seconds.

- Go on, now.

- Thank you, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you.

Langford. Hey!

- What are you doing?

- That sucked.

- I know.

- God.

- That was terrible.

- Terrible.

- I can't end it like this.

- Neither can I.

And that car ride was a disaster.

Oh, that was awfuI. It was so awkward.

So awkward.

- It's the worst.

- The worst.

Yeah, sorry, go ahead.

Thank you.

Good, good.

I didn't know if you wanted to keep

doing this or how you felt.

I just- I freaked out, okay?

I've had such a good time with you...

...and a part of me

doesn't want that to end...

...but I have been down this road before

with a guy.

I dropped out of college and I followed him

across the country...

...and I dropped everything for him.

And that's why my timeline is all off,

you know?

And now I finally got everything

back on track...

...you know, with my life and schooI...

...and then you had to come along...

- ... and f*** that all up.

- Ow.

I'm sorry.

I'm not asking you to drop out of schooI

or even move here.

I'm just asking to see you

because I don't wanna lose you.

F*** the miles. F*** them.

I'll be here and you'll be there

and we'll just be long-distance...

...because quite frankly,

I'm crazy about you.

I'm crazy about you too.

I'm so glad you picked me up.

Of course.

Maya made you something.

- She's here.

- Hi, everybody.

- Hi. Hi, my beautifuI niece.

Hi.

Hi.

"The suspect, Mr. Jones...

...was heavily intoxicated

when he fired the. 44 Magnum. "

We need to know where this information

is coming from. Is this your own theory?

Aw, come on, man.

Come on, dude.

Are you serious?

- All right.

What are y-?

- Hold on.

- "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. What are you doing?"

"Nothing.

This funny thing happened at work. "

"This funny thing happened at schooI."

He sneezed and scared mommy panda.

Oh, my God. Baby panda has a cold.

I had a thing when I was a kid.

I was obsessed with, like-

I thought it was cooI to not have lips.

Like MichaeI J. Fox and Jason Bateman.

Those guys, like, I idolized them.

They didn't have, like, lips,

and I had, like, big weird lips.

- Oh.

- Ha-ha-ha.

Look at that. You're up.

You kidding me?

What are you doing? Come on. Come-

- What the f***?

Oh!

Fore!

- Are you f***ing kidding?

- Yeah, that was a joke.

You're such an a**hole.

I gotta program all my numbers

into this goddamn thing.

Ha, ha. Come on, man,

my actions were justified.

It was a pretty good hit.

It was funny, I'll give

you that, but justified? Really?

- Destroying my phone? Come on.

No, maybe not.

No, probably not. Not at all.

No, but it's like her vagina

has you possessed.

I like him. A lot.

Okay, I know, I know,

but are you dating?

- Are you in an exclusive relationship?

- I don't know.

What do you mean?

Don't you think you should know?

I mean, he could be out there dry humping

half of New York City right now.

"Dry humping"? Oh, that's scandalous.

That worries me.

PhiI and I dry hump. Okay?

And it is intense. And it's very erotic.

And it's the only way

that I can actually get off.

Dry humping is no f***ing joke.

So I think that you need to be clear

about what this relationship is.

Now what is the story

with you guys?

Are you doing it monogamous

or what's the deaI?

Yeah.

I don't know. Uh...

- Maybe, yeah.

- "Maybe"?

Wow, okay.

You know what "maybe" gets you?

It gets her sucking every dude's dick

out there at Stanford. It really does.

Then you go and visit her.

You have to kiss that blow-job factory

she calls a mouth.

Thank you for that visuaI. Thanks, paI.

That was, like, way graphic.

That was, like, extremely graphic.

He's thousands of miles away from here.

You don't know what he's doing.

He could be at some bar,

doing shots with some sexy bartender...

...dry humping her.

We haven't set the boundaries yet.

- Okay?

- Oh, my God.

We're not trying to choke each other

with commitment.

But now you're freaking me out...

...and I can't do anything but picture him

humping some bartender. Thank you.

I'm your sister.

This is what I'm here to do: terrify you.

- I see PhiI dry humping you.

- You don't wanna.

I don't wanna think about

what that looks like. It's not pretty.

Like, between the snorting

and the slobbering...

...he's like a f***ing shar-pei.

Or what are those dogs with the:

- Bulldogs?

- Yeah. Like a f***ing bulldog.

Does he look up at you

when he goes down on you?

- Wanting approvaI?

- Yes. Ha, ha.

"Am I doing it okay? Am I doing it?"

- I hate that. Shut up and lick.

- It's horrible.

I don't know, actually.

Okay, look, look.

Can you see other people? All right?

Can you hook up with other people?

- Can you masturbate?

- Masturbate?

Can you masturbate yourself off at all?

- Why wouldn't I?

- Some girls frown upon that.

- Some girls don't like you to masturbate.

- She's not like a puritan.

Well, I'm just saying, like, some women

don't like people masturbating.

Because I can hear you

through the walls.

And you crack off a lot.

"Crack it off"?

Who says "crack off"?

Why? What do you say?

You may be thinking

of "snap one off"?

- "Snap it off"?

- Or "pop"? Like, "pop one off"?

I don't want anything to snap and pop

when I'm masturbating.

- If it cracks a little bit, fine.

- "Fine"?

The point is, you're gonna chafe yourself

cracking off as much as you do.

All right, so, we-

Do you need help across the street?

Okay. Don't pull, though.

He goes crazy.

He's furious with his penis or something.

Angry.

Angry masturbation,

which is dangerous.

- You can really injure yourself.

- Yeah.

So he doesn't really know that.

Yeah. I have to tell my grandson that.

Tell your grandson.

Tell your grandson's friends, you know?

Well, just him. Not others.

You're right. Just him.

It might get awkward telling all his friends.

I guess you have to define it

at some point.

So I guess we're saying...

...we're exclusive?

- Yeah.

- Great.

- I'm happy.

- Me too.

Secretly, this is what I was aiming for.

Well, not-so-secretly, me too.

Keep it light.

Light. Disease-free and light.

- Ha-ha-ha.

- Bye.

Goodbye.

Can I please get the garbage omelet,

double meat, home fries...

...and how about everything bageI...

...with butter, cream cheese,

jelly, all that sh*t.

And then, you know what?

I'll take a chocolate shake.

And I will make it very easy for you.

- You know, I'll have that same exact thing.

- Okay.

- I'll just have the turkey burger.

Okay.

Is there a way to just wrap it in lettuce,

like use lettuce for the bun?

Can do no bun. Does that work?

- No bun.

Fries or salad?

Uh, I'll get the salad

with dressing on the side.

Yep, coming up.

- Thank you.

- Wow.

- What?

- You're eating like a bird there, huh?

- No.

He's visiting Erin for Thanksgiving

and worrying about his weight.

- All right.

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