Going The Distance Page #5

- Jesus.

I told you not to say anything.

We haven't seen each other

in a while, okay?

Okay, I understand.

That makes sense to me.

- Wanna tighten up.

- I get you, I get you.

If you're so worried about your appearance,

are you gonna do something...

- ... about your veiny, white skin?

Mm.

Right now you look like an actor

in a kabuki troupe.

- You're one to talk about appearances.

- How so?

No offense, but with the moustache...

- What? You don't like it?

- It's disgusting.

I don't care what you think.

This is not for you.

Who's it for, the '83 Yankees bullpen?

- Now, there we are.

- Very funny.

No, I'm actually trying to scratch a very

specific demographic off of my f***-it list.

- What's a f***-it list?

- He's got this list like a bucket list...

...but it's women he's trying to bang

before he dies.

So, what kind of women

are you hoping to attract?

- Older women, between 45 and 60.

- Oh, so, cougars.

- This is where it's weird.

- No. No, not cougars.

Okay, see, cougars, to me,

are sad, desperate older women...

...that want to be young now.

Okay? But what I'm looking for are older

attractive women...

...that want to be young again.

All right?

See, when women see me

with a moustache of that type...

...they're transported back

when the moustache was king:

- The '70s, the early '80s.

- Right.

All right?

The era of their sexuaI awakening.

So then, when I'm on top of them,

and they look up at me...

...they see this person,

they're transported to that time.

All right? See, this isn't a moustache,

it's a time machine.

It's a time machine

to the back of Burt Reynolds' Camaro.

Right. You know what, it's-

Bottom line is don't get a moustache,

get a tan.

I don't think she's that kind of girI.

I don't think she's that superficiaI.

Okay, so she won't bang fat dudes...

...but she will sleep with a guy

that looks like his face is covered in jizz?

If she's gonna

dump you for eating carbs...

- ... she'll dump you for not having a tan.

- That's true.

All right, I get the point.

Once you're in the machine,

it's pretty self-explanatory.

You're gonna wanna put this on

your hands, under your nails...

...unless you want your hands stained.

- Right this way.

- Okay.

- Enjoy the Faux de SoleiI.

- Just a quick question. Uh-

- Ooh.

Hello. Tanning will begin in five...

- Uh-

- ... four, three...

- Should I be wearing underwear?

- ... two, one.

Excuse me. Oh, God. Oh, goddamn it.

Oh, and it stings.

F***. F***, my eyes sting.

What is this? Excuse me.

Should I be wearing goggles?

It stings. Is this bad?

Ah. Tastes gross. Pff, pff.

Tastes like poison. Pff, pff.

Should I-? Is it bad if I eat it?

Erin, you just got sat another table.

No way. I closed out my section.

You know it, dude.

Well, you were requested. So...

Sorry, Mama.

Goddamn it.

I'm not gonna order anything,

I want you to know.

But I got a tip for you.

Is it the tip of your penis?

- No, gross. Yes, it is.

- Aah!

Oh, my God.

- Twenty percent of my dick.

- Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, God, yes. Come on.

Where's the bedroom?

- Too far.

Come over here.

Oh, God. Oh, I missed you.

Come here. God!

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Oh!

PhiI!

They came in so fast,

I didn't know where to go.

Hi. I'm PhiI.

Hey. I'm Garrett.

- Nice to meet you.

Good to meet you.

- Why are you introducing yourself?

- I don't wanna be rude.

Get up. F***ing get up.

Is she still here?

- You got a handprint on your ass.

I'll tell you later.

- Don't engage.

- I'm eating at a dinner table.

- They're the ones f***ing.

- Get f***ing f*** upstairs.

You guys are all set up, so I'll just-

- Um...

Make yourself at home.

Aw...

Mm. Corinne,

these mashed potatoes are amazing.

Thank you.

I spent all day cleaning the table.

Sorry?

Making them.

I spent-

It's an old recipe from the family.

Ahem. Well, very good.

- Um, Garrett.

Yes, Karen.

Now, are you a singer or a musician?

No. Neither one. Excuse me.

Yeah, I'm just behind-the-scenes guy.

He actually goes out and scouts

bands, and then he signs them to his labeI...

...and he takes us

to, like, these amazing places.

These seedy hole-in-the-walls

that you'd never know existed.

- That sounds cooI.

It's not that cooI.

- She's building it up.

It is cooI.

She's being sweet.

Believe me, it's a lot more interesting

than what Ron does.

Oh.

- He makes boxes for a living.

Cardboard containers, Karen. Please.

They're cardboard- I'm a supervisor.

- Pretty much boxes. Pretty much boxes.

- They're cardboard containers.

Oh. I often use boxes.

The thing about my job

is that it's in a state of flux.

In fact, both of our fields

are kind of a little-

- We're in very similar positions.

- Yeah.

But we do it because we love it.

We do it because we love it.

So, Erin, did you know

he was coming in?

No. He completely surprised me.

Surprised me too.

- No one knew.

And it was quite a surprise.

But he surprised me at work

with flowers.

- Oh.

- Jesus Christ.

It wasn't a big deaI.

I didn't, like, rappeI in from

some helicopter. I just showed up.

How come you never do that?

Ha, ha.

Because we live together, Karen.

I know, but it's nice

to show a gesture of appreciation.

How long have you guys been together?

- It's been a long time now. Yeah.

- Long time.

It's kind of like when you get really drunk

and you just black out...

...you don't know how much time's

gone by. Sort of a similar feeling.

Oh.

Erin, Karen, would you come help me

in the kitchen with dessert?

Absolutely. Corinne's gonna go assassinate

your character. I gotta play defense.

- Oh. Hurry. Hurry up.

Yeah.

Um...

So, Ron, do you make all different sizes

of boxes, or do you specialize in a certain-?

Do you have any idea of the trouble

that you're causing us there, chief?

Ron, please,

tell me what's bothering you.

I'll tell you what's bothering me there,

bucko.

You just caused a prime-time problem

between me and my wife.

Now I gotta go home and listen to her

complain that I don't do enough for her.

Ha, ha. You think some effing sappy sh*t

makes you a reaI boyfriend?

I stopped listening after "bucko. "

Listen up. We're in the effing trenches here,

where the reaI hell happens.

All right? And we're here every day.

It's not about flowers and presents

and showing up for the weekend.

Do you think you can just come in here

with your fake tan and your girI shirt?

What?

You think that's what it's like

when you're married?

When you're in a serious,

long-term relationship?

You think you're gonna be able to work out

and keep that nice ass of yours?

No. You're not gonna be able to keep it.

And I don't wanna say

If it goes away

Hey.

- Hey, how are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Hey, do you remember my friend Harper

from work?

Yeah, we've met. How are you?

It's good to see you again.

What the rest did

I was average

But I don't mind

Drawn on two sides

Without disguise

But I don't mind

And I, I spit fire

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