Going The Distance Page #7

and I get it and I wish I could hug you.

I know, I know.

That's the whole f***ing problem

is you're there and I'm here...

...and I'm in this f***ing kitchen right now,

and it f***ing stinks.

Relax now, and try to get some sleep and

we'll make a new plan tomorrow. I promise.

Um, I gotta go, okay?

- Bye.

- I lov-

- Wanna do some more of that later?

- Yeah. Please.

Long-distance f***ing sucks.

Yep. Look, I told you it was rough.

I know. It's so rough.

And even worse, I'm so horny.

There's definitely someone here

who can help you with that.

- Don't tempt me.

- I'm just saying.

What am I gonna do for a f***ing job?

Okay? What am I gonna do with my life?

I don't want to be a waitress forever.

No, seriously, listen to me.

I want to be a reporter.

I want to tell stories.

What, like on the newspaper?

See, you understand. F***.

- Thank you.

- That's okay.

There we go.

Jesus Christ.

Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.

- What the f*** is your problem?

Let me tell you, steroid-face. I'd think

you were comfortable with needles.

Watch yourself, sweetheart.

Speaking of sweethearts,

you can suck my dick.

- She doesn't have a dick.

- I actually do.

No, she doesn't.

And you should put your mouth

on my penis.

Get her out of here

before I kick your ass.

My friend is gonna kick your ass.

- Oh, is that right?

- No.

By the way, steroids have side effects.

They may include a small dick,

worshipping of MichaeI Bay...

- You out of your mind?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We could all sit around and watch

Transformers together, jack off to it.

- Bye.

- Suck my dick, b*tch.

Seriously.

Suck it!

Stupid f***.

Let's get in there! We can take him!

Come on, let's go!

Son of a b*tch.

I need to get home.

Are you gonna be okay?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm fine.

Hi.

Honey, I'm just gonna tell you right now,

Maya drew on your face.

Sh*t.

- Hello?

- Hello.

Oh, my God.

I must've left you seven messages.

Please, please, God, tell me you're okay.

Yeah, I'm fine. I just- Unh.

I was out late last night with Damon.

I got reaI drunk.

Damon? Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was just listening to me vent, you know.

- Wow. Okay.

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

- Wait. Wait a minute.

Nothing happened, okay?

- Huh.

- You have nothing to worry about.

Please just tell me that you trust me.

Get in there.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Okay.

I gotta go. Can't talk.

Oh, sh*t.

Langford...

- Yes?

- Any luck?

Uh, no. Thank you for asking. Um-

I've checked every newspaper

and magazine in New York...

...and all dead ends.

Well, the Chronicle has an opening,

miraculously...

...so I recommended you

and a few other students.

Thank you. Um-

I just- I sort of had my heart

set on New York.

Well, it's kind of brutaI out there.

You're not really in a position to be picky.

Okay.

Thank you.

San Francisco Chronicle, may I help you?

San Francisco Chronicle, please hold.

- You can go in now.

- Thank you.

I'm looking for any job opportunities in

the San Francisco area, so if you know-

Totally, I get it.

Yeah. You know, I tried them, but-

Thank you, though. Okay, thank you.

Why don't you try blowing me next time?

Um...

- Okay.

- Not you.

Sorry, I'm dealing with some sh*t.

I'm sorry. Bad timing.

- It's okay. It's good to know.

- Oh. F***ing Evites.

It's for a month from now.

Who does that? Oh.

It's mine. It's for my birthday.

Sh*t.

Mark's coming in from Florida

and I really want him to meet everyone...

...so I kind of gotta plan ahead.

- I'm so sorry.

- No, it's okay.

It's fine.

This is not an excuse,

but I'm so tired and frustrated.

I haven't seen my girlfriend in a while.

I'm losing my mind.

I'm in a long-distance relationship too,

I get it.

- It f***ing sucks.

- Really does.

Tell me you have some suggestions.

Phone sex.

And, um, lots of it.

What are you wearing?

Uh...

Red lace panties and a bra and a garter.

Holy sh*t, you really went all out.

No, you f***ing idiot, it's a fantasy.

- Oh, right.

- What are you wearing?

Um...

What do you think is sexy?

White boxer briefs.

Really? Like Marky Mark?

Oh, God, especially like Marky Mark.

If you even say "Marky Mark"...

- ... I'm gonna f***ing come right now.

- Sh*t. Baby, please take this seriously.

Please. I'm so horny I can't even think.

- All right, sorry.

- Okay, um...

Okay, so tell me about something

that you're touching or whatever.

I'm touching myself.

Yeah, okay, good. Where?

Where are you touching yourself?

Everywhere. Absolutely everywhere,

all over, up and down.

- Up and down?

- Especially in the wet parts.

Oh, God, yeah, that's good.

- I want to make good on that. Hold on.

- Erin? Erin.

Hello? I lost you.

- Did I lose you?

- Hello? Okay.

- Hello?

- I'm there.

- Okay, all right.

- Oh, God, I wanna f*** you so bad.

I wanna f*** you so hard.

I wanna come all over you.

No, I want you to come on the toweI

beside your pillow.

- Yeah, okay.

- I love f***ing you so much.

You know what I f***ing love doing?

I love riding you!

Oh, yeah.

- Wait, wait, wait.

- God, I love f***ing riding you!

- But I'm on top. Baby, I'm on top.

- No, I'm on top.

- I'm on top. How can you be on top?

- Because we're in your car.

No, we're on a plane.

Didn't I tell you that we're in your car?

You said the toweI next to my pillow.

Why would there be a pillow in the car?

Why would there be a toweI

on the plane?

They give out those hand towels

in first class.

Well, we wouldn't be in first class,

we'd be in coach.

- Fine, we're in coach.

- What's everybody doing?

Are they watching us f***ing?

We're in a bathroom.

We'll go in the bathroom.

I don't wanna get that blue toilet sh*t

all over me.

I'm not gonna put you in the toilet.

- Put the lid down-

- Gonna get arrested.

We're not gonna get arrested. We'll lock

the door. It's a fantasy! There's no-

Oh, Christ, you know what?

We'll go in the car. We'll go in the car.

Oh, f*** the car.

You know what?

I think the moment's passed.

This isn't really working.

- I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

You know, I thought "blue balls"

was just a saying...

...but I'm getting a lot

of veinage here.

I'm actually kind of concerned.

Oh, God.

That's okay.

I'll just tighten the vise grip

on my dick one more notch.

- All right. You do that.

- All right.

- All right.

- Bye.

Bye.

F***!

You know, Garrett, I like the airplane.

People do cars too much.

Dan, are you kidding?

Hello?

Hello, Erin?

This is Sarah Conant at the Chronicle.

Hello.

Listen, we're all very impressed over here

by your work...

...and I would like to offer you the position

at our Metro desk.

- Really?

- Yes.

So we'll need you to come in

on April 15th at 10 a. m...

...and you can meet with our editors.

Okay. Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Bye-bye.

I'm sorry about not picking you up,

but I just really wanted to surprise you.

With the romance and the candles

and whatnot.

Hey, Erin.

Hi, Dan.

I missed you.

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