Gone with the Bullets

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1

To be or not to be?

To be or not to be?

Why ask me? I'm not a prince.

Not anymore.

To be or not to be?

Not since I accidentally caused

the fall of the Ching dynasty.

I moved to Shanghai,

where everyone reinvents themselves.

I became a fixer for the rich.

A con artist.

To be or not to be?

I have a talent for telling lies.

Is it my fault everyone believes me?

My story starts when Wu-Seven...

...seventh son

of the great General Wu...

...came to me for a favour.

To be or not to be?

I am Ma Zouri.

I believe in Shanghai.

I made it here.

My father made it here.

My cousins made it here.

Anyway, here's how

I shamed Shanghai.

I've fallen for an Italian broad

who I wanted to bang.

I flew her to Shanghai.

She asked for a bowl of noodles

from Chef Huang.

I said, "Done!" I cleared the street,

booked the restaurant.

I even brought her the noodles myself.

She didn't touch them. She asked me:

"Where's the chef?"

I said, "She's gone."

Then she asked,

"And the people on the street?"

I said, "I got rid of them all."

She was furious.

She stuck her finger in my face

and said:

"You schmuck!"

Me? Wu-Seven?

Called a schmuck

by a little Italian tramp?

So the next day I sped to the airport...

...and stopped her plane on the tarmac.

I stuck my piece

in her bodyguard's face.

"Scram!"

I boarded her plane

and confronted her, "Signorina...

...I'm here with your noodles

and Chef Huang."

She tried the noodles,

"This is not wok-fresh."

I said, "What?"

"Wok-fresh!

This is the essence

of fine Chinese cooking.

Stray but 5 metres from her kitchen...

...that wok-fresh aroma is lost!

Master Wu-Seven...

...you are Chinese,

the son of a warlord.

But you know crap about wok-fresh!

Forget about me.

Forget about Rome.

To me you're nothing.

Nothing but new money."

With that she flew off to Tokyo...

...to try some Japanese udon.

I felt like a complete fool.

Even Chef Huang snickered at me.

So I asked all my advisors:

"How do I restore my dignity...

...impress this babe...

...and turn my money from new to old?"

Everyone said...

...I should come to see you...

...Ma Zouri.

Why did you take her to noodles...

...without coming to me first?

From now on,

I'll always come to you first.

You have to help me.

How?

No, that I cannot do.

- Huang doesn't deserve to die.

- Tell me.

You.... How much for a "yes"?

You have no respect for me.

You don't treat me as a friend.

You come for help

without even addressing me properly.

You called me Ma, not Mr. Ma.

Mr. Ma, I've been so upset

by this "new money."

I can't even finish spending my cash.

- How much?

- Enough to buy half of Shanghai.

Mr. Ma, help me spend it.

But with one condition:

Make me look like old money.

Do this, then name your own price.

Master Wu-Seven...

...why such disrespect?

I was once an aristocrat.

If I'd only been more careful...

- ...it wouldn't have ended.

- What ended?

Tell him. It's time for the truth.

Don't blame yourself

for the empire's demise.

I am responsible. It was a snowy eve.

The empress dowager summoned me.

"The Allies are invading," she cried.

"And the people are rebelling!

How do I save the empire?" I said:

"No big deal. Starting tomorrow...

...all men should...

...cut off their pigtails."

The empress dowager gasped.

I went on, "Show everyone...

...we nobles can be new."

The empress was delirious.

"You're my guy, Ma!

And now go. Get it done!

Tomorrow I'll issue an imperial edict."

I was so happy.

I ran all the way out of the palace.

The snow hushed the night.

I wanted to raise a toast

to the emperor. Just one drink.

But I ended up with two whole jugs.

By the time I woke up, it was already...

...the Republic!

We still cut our pigtails.

But we were forced to.

Not the same as voluntarily.

Perhaps it's karma.

Because I drank,

the Ching dynasty fell.

Because it fell,

your father became general.

Because your father

became general...

...you date girls

out of your league.

A general's son bows to you...

...in the old Manchurian way.

- I got him by the balls.

- You the man.

- Rise!

- That means "rise."

Rise!

Some day, and that day

may never come...

...I may call on you for a favour.

But before we get into that...

...let us turn your money from new...

- ...to old.

- Sounds like money laundering.

It is. Didn't I make myself clear?

Yes, you did.

I'm blowing money

from my dad's military budget...

...in the name of peace.

Noble of you.

- Thanks again.

- You're welcome.

Bye.

So much money.

How we gonna spend it?

We spend it lavishly.

Shanghai, city of adventure!

The Paris of the Far East!

And now, host to the modern age's

most unusual election:

presidency of the Global Escort Nation!

That's right, once a Shanghai contest

limited only to Chinese working girls...

...for the first time, this election opened

its doors to candidates around the world.

And in cities and towns everywhere,

voters decided on their favourite:

courtesans from Canada...

...flower girls from France,

geisha from Japan...

...and American streetwalkers.

And tonight, in a grand finale...

...three finalists will compete to become

the world's First Lady of the Evening.

Every district in Shanghai

hoped to host this final election.

The French District won,

thanks to the help of Mr. Xiang...

...who happens to head

the organising committee.

The French Concession is honoured

to host the final escort election.

This honour belongs not just to the

French and Chinese, but to the world!

Sadly, this German nominee

got her paperwork in late.

She committed suicide out of despair.

But the international and

local communities in Shanghai...

...rallied to her memory, prompting

this statement from Mr. Ma Zouri...

...producer of the event:

Making the election global is

one small step for the Escort Nation...

...but one giant leap for mankind.

Can mankind be united by

a common quest for truth and beauty?

That I can't say.

What I can say is...

...it couldn't hurt.

I believe this is the future of mankind.

So let us honour these hopeful

and inspiring young leaders...

...as they ask not what service

the world can do for them...

...but how they can service the world.

Ladies and gentlemen!

- Today is history.

- Today is history.

Today is history.

- Today, we make history.

- Today, we make history.

Today, we make history.

And today, we are part of history.

- And today, we are part of history.

- And today, we are part of history.

I was told the whole world

is staying up...

- ...for our broadcast.

- That's true.

How supportive!

Let's make it worth their while.

How do we do that?

Keep it moving.

So who are the finalists?

Shangguan, the Green Dragon.

Foster, the White Tiger.

- A dragon and a tiger.

- It's astrological.

A battle of celestial bodies.

But only one super star

can shine as our president.

And the last candidate?

- Our former president.

- Who's that?

- Miss Wanyan Ying!

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