Good Luck Chuck Page #3

My brother

calls me Murphy.

Murphy?

You know,

like, Murphy's Law:

anything that can

go wrong, will.

Details.

Check out the thumb.

Holy crap!

What, did you get

pissed off at a stamp?

How many bones

have you broken?

- 12.

- 12 bones?

I'm warning you,

keep a safe distance.

Come on. I can't believe

it's really that bad.

Is this the heat?

No!

Convertible top.

Oops.

Keep the meter running.

All right.

Oh, sh*t!

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

Pardon my French.

I speak a little French,

and that sounded like "sh*t. "

I left my house key

on the car ring-

You know what?

Doesn't matter.

Got it!

- Sorry.

- You all right?

Yeah.

- Hope these are the right keys.

- Yeah.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about the top,

and the, uh,

nerve damage in the back,

and the whole

electrocution thing, and-

I'd still like

to pay for the tooth.

I told you.

Buy me dinner.

Lunch.

Vending machine.

Drinks. Water.

I'm easy.

I'm just...

not emotionally available

at this time.

I'm okay with that.

I'm looking for more of

a physical relationship anyway.

So I've heard.

I was kidding.

That was a joke.

That was a stupid joke.

Okay. I- I get it.

So no way, then.

I'm sorry.

Good night, Dr. Logan.

Thank you.

I, uh...

Yeah.

Hi, Dr. Charlie.

Reba! What the hell

are you doing here?

Sorry. I didn't mean

to scare you.

I used the key you left me

in case of emergencies.

What's the emergency?

I know about the charm.

Not you, too.

Somebody

posted about you

on perfectmatch. com

It's an internet

dating site.

Yeah, I know what it is.

This is out of control.

These stories

are just coincidence.

That's what I thought.

But then I went

to urbanlegends. com,

and nobody's disproved it.

Reba, I'll see you at work on Monday.

Good night.

Dr. Logan, you've always

been there for me.

When you need a day off, yes.

When you need a lift home, yes.

When Reggie died

four years ago,

you sent that beautiful card.

Do you remember

what you wrote?

"If there's anything I can do,

please let me know. "

Yeah, but, uh-

Well, I'm letting

you know.

That's not

what I had in mind.

These panties are edible,

but I'd avoid the tush area

as I've been sitting

for about three hours.

Reba, I'm not the guy for you.

I'm not saying you are.

But the next guy might be.

Dr. Charlie, if we're together,

I know I'll find my soul mate.

That- That's ridiculous.

No.

No, Reba. Don't cry.

It's okay.

Come on, Dr. Charlie.

You got to do this for me.

Please.

- Reba!

- Charlie-

I can't do this.

Don't worry.

I'll do everything.

Please.

Just close your eyes

and imagine somebody beautiful.

I'll imagine you.

No one but you.

Reba?

You slept with Reba?

Shut up.

You shut up.

What the hell's

the matter with you?

You're telling me

that you have the power

to turn any hot chick

out there-

any hot chick-

into a knob-gobbling,

lance-waxing flesh monger,

and you're out there

plowing the back 40 with Reba!

You don't know

because you weren't there.

Thank God I wasn't there.

It's disgusting.

It's revolting.

You're nasty.

How was she?

Dude, check it.

You see, that is

the kind of tail you should be chasing.

I could suck a fart

out of her ass

and hold it

like a bong hit.

Nice stop, kid.

Way to be.

Dude, these chicks,

they think that you're,

like, a lucky charm, man.

I mean,

you poke the poon,

she marries the next guy

she dates after you.

It's not true.

Who cares if it's true?

Wake up, man.

You got it made.

What is it

that all women want?

To get married,

raise crib midgets,

and apparently, buddy,

you got the ticket

to the big show.

Do you know

what this means?

Trim.

You're going to be seeing

trim like Tommy Lee,

like Colin Farrell,

like Ellen DeGeneres-

just-

Have you considered

the possibility the reason

you haven't been laid

in the last decade

has something to do with

your routine use of the word "trim"?

Yeah!

Seven days a week, 56 weeks a year, trim!

That's my bad.

Where's your manners, shithead?

What did you say to me?

Little help here, honey?

Look, you and I are different, okay?

Besides the fact

that I'm not retarded,

I don't want

to take advantage.

- Dude.

- Yeah.

Was Martin Luther King,

Jr. taking advantage

when he said that thing

in that place?

I don't think so.

Was Gandhi taking advantage

when he was doing his thing?

No.

And don't tell me

that Gandhi didn't score

some sweet-ass

Native American trim.

Gandhi was Indian.

They don't like

to be called that.

Dude, I thought

you wanted to feel love.

I do.

So stop dipping your foot in the pool

and dive the f*** in!

And think about this, man.

You'd be providing

a much-needed public service.

You'd be helping women find love.

Now, don't come bitching to me

you haven't found Miss Right yet

if you got women lining up

for the position

and you're turning

your back on them.

Nice.

I guess.

If I did it for the right reasons.

Whatever helps you

sleep at night, biznatch.

No, no, no. Whoa, whoa.

Don't take off my top.

Something wrong?

They're for the baby.

You have a baby?

No, but I will someday.

It's really good.

F*** me.

F*** me harder.

Oh.

Yeah.

F*** me!

- F*** me!

- I'm f***ing!

F*** me, you cocksucking,

cum-guzzling shithead!

Split my p*ssy in two!

You motherfucking a**hole!

Is something wrong?

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, Jesus Christ, almighty!

God, my savior!

I shall adore thee from now

until forever more!

Oh! Amen!

Would you like to

pray with me now?

Uh... no.

Yeah, I don't do that with men.

Oh, yeah.

That's it.

That's it!

That's definitely it!

That'll be my wedding dress.

What do you think?

Megan, I swear I know you

from some place.

We went to high school together.

Megan...

What's your last name?

Gilles.

Gilles.

I knew a Matthew Gilles.

God, you do look like him.

Is that your brother?

Actually, that was me

before the operation.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

- This just isn't working for me.

- Yeah, right.

You're just gonna give up

boning all these women?

These girls don't want

to be with me.

They want to be

with the next guy.

So what? The road

to the next guy leads through you.

It's not that satisfying.

I'll tell you not satisfying.

Last night I masturbated

into a grapefruit.

I put it in the microwave.

I heated it up

a little bit, which helped,

but...

still.

You know, I read somewhere

that penguins like to eat their own sh*t.

You have 108 messages.

Messages deleted.

The female lays a single egg

and rolls it onto

the feet of the male.

The male stands

and incubates the egg

until it hatches,

about 65 days.

Having built up

a thick layer of fat

to sustain him

through the long winter,

he never leaves the egg

to hunt for food.

The female returns just

before the chick hatches.

If you have any questions,

please feel free to ask.

What are you doing here?

Are you telling me

that the male penguin

really lives off

his own fat for 65 days

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