Good Luck Chuck Page #4

while he's protecting

the egg?

You think that the female could bring him,

like, a mackerel burger?

Seriously, why are you here?

Look, I don't buy the whole

"I'm not emotionally available" thing.

Are you dying?

Is that why you don't want

to get involved with me?

Because you don't wanna

hurt me when you die?

No, I'm not dying.

Well, I'm not dying either,

so what is it, then?

Am I not your type?

I can take it if it's that.

I think you should go.

No, I think

I should stay,

because I paid $38.00

to see you today.

And I'm not leaving

until you pay me my money back.

Is this the dude?

- No. Joe!

- Have you been talking about me?

Why aren't you wearing your shirt?

- Has she been talking about me?

- Yeah.

- No!

- You're the dentist.

I am the dude!

No, I mentioned you in passing.

I said you were funny.

- Oh.

- And you said he was-

And I said you were

charming and...

good-looking, and...

you have a nice smile.

Oh, I would not go out with me, either.

Excuse me, miss?

How come the mommy penguin

doesn't bring back food

for the daddy penguin?

'Cause the daddy penguin

doesn't need any food, sweetie.

I have another question.

Why won't you go out with Charlie?

- She'd love to.

- Joe! You're my brother!

Why are you taking his side?

Because I know

how long it's been-

Another word,

I hide your stash.

Go put a shirt on.

Look, how about this.

Why don't you eat,

and I'll just digest my own lard.

Look...

I just...

I know three women

you've gone out with.

I'm just not into dating

as a sport.

Wait, you said if anybody

had any questions-

- No! I'm not going out with you!

- That's not my question.

That was the little girl's question.

I have a new question.

What is that penguin

right there?

That's a Gentoo,

one of several species

of penguin that is

completely monogamous.

I hope that answers

your question.

Oh, and penguins are unique

in that mate selection

is up to the female.

Much like our relationship.

Why do you wanna take me

to dinner so badly?

You look hungry.

Seriously.

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

Because you remind me

of these penguins.

Yes, they're kind of

awkward and goofy.

Yet in the water,

they're so beautiful.

Okay.

Okay, what?

- Okay, dinner.

- Will you put that in writing?

Don't push it.

But only as friends...

because if you must know,

there is someone else.

His name is Howard Blaine.

He is a foremost expert on penguins,

and I'm meeting him

later this year at a conference.

I'm interested in him.

Well, I'm interested

in choreographing

a wacky line dance

that sweeps the nation,

but we both know

that's never gonna happen.

One date as friends.

Fine.

Bye.

I'm okay.

Just-

- Yeah.

- I'm fine.

Bye.

So do sharks get cavities?

No.

- You have no idea, do you.

- I don't know.

I thought we were gonna

ask each other personal questions.

Isn't that the point

of 100 Questions?

Is that your question?

No, my question is...

Why penguins? Why?

Why teeth?

Same as every other dentist.

Couldn't get

into med school.

That's funny.

My parents didn't think so.

So really, why penguins?

Couldn't get into shark school.

I don't know,

lots of reasons.

For one, you can't help but smile

when you see a penguin.

Yeah, plus they have that bad-ass tuxedo

embedded in their flesh.

I know! They're just so cute.

I just-

I just love 'em so much.

I just love, love, love 'em!

I even go to Antarctica

for research.

Oh, it's so beautiful there.

You know they have

once-a-year sunsets?

You haven't seen beauty

until you've seen that.

Oh, I don't know about that.

And the penguin rituals

are just fascinating.

Okay now, by rituals,

do you mean, like,

eating their own poop?

No.

Like when a male

is sweet on a female,

he searches

the entire beach

to find the perfect pebble

to present to her.

When he finally finds it,

he waddles over

and presents the stone

by placing it at her feet.

If she accepts,

they'll be life-long mates.

It's kind of like

an engagement ring.

Yeah, it's unbelievable to watch.

I have a feeling

that you are

a very good kisser.

And I know this because I spent

an hour and a half inside your mouth,

and I scoped it out.

What makes you think

I'll be kissing you, huh?

You all right?

You okay?

I guess I was wrong about

the "really good kisser" thing.

Come on, we'll find

something you're good at.

What!

Perfectly imperfect?

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know.

I mean, haven't you ever

fallen for someone's flaws?

I'm a plastic surgeon.

I see a flaw,

I pour spackle over it.

Hey, are these new?

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, no!

No, you don't touch these.

It's Pamela Anderson's

breast implants.

Why are they not implanted

in her breasts?

It's a reduction, baby.

This is what came out.

So you're hoping that

some sick dude will buy these?

Some sick dude already did.

This dude!

What the hell do you want

Pamela Anderson's breast fillings for?

Why the hell do you want

Miss Penguin P*ssy?

To each his own, buddy.

Oh, Miss Penguin P*ssy.

Who the f*** are you?

Stu Klaminsky.

Nice to meet you.

Anyway, Cam's the one, man.

When I'm with her,

I don't know, Stu.

I mean, I feel like...

She just-

She-

Completes you.

- Screw you.

- Screw you.

And can I just say

that I'm an idiot

for listening to you?

Public service.

May I remind you

that you got

your axle greased

a fair amount

in the process?

What's sex without love?

Sex!

It's still sex!

Jesus Christ.

I never met a guy so bummed

to squirt a little baby gravy.

Baby gravy?

You know, man chowder.

Can't believe you're going

cold turkey for this chick.

If she wants me to be

more like a Gentoo,

I'm going to be

like a Gentoo.

You lost me.

Gentoo.

It's a monogamous penguin.

Who's ridiculed

by the other penguins

for being a fag.

Here it comes!

You got some- right there.

Thanks.

Do I have any on me?

No, no.

You want to get that?

You're silly.

I have something for you.

Really?

A gift?

Oh, bad form.

A gift on the third date?

Open it.

Okay.

You're an a**hole.

Yes, but a thoughtful a**hole.

Thank you.

So, fess up about this charm.

You heard about that.

Yeah. It's quite a scam

you got going.

- No, it's not me.

- Please.

It's not.

I'm serious.

Somebody somewhere

got it into their head

that once a girl's

been with me,

she'll meet her true love

with the next guy

she goes out with.

Can you believe it?

Please.

People will believe

whatever they want to believe.

Okay. I've got one for you.

Did you know

it is physically impossible

for a human being

to lick their own elbow?

How do you know that?

No one can do it.

All right.

I can do it.

Can't do it, my friend.

All right, fine.

I've got one.

Did you know

that the average person

produces 10,000 gallons of saliva

in their lifetime?

Did you know that I produce

That's disgusting.

I'm going to show you.

Come here.

I'm serious.

I'm serious about this.

I don't like sloppy kisses.

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