Goodbye, Columbus Page #7

- Thank you. She's very beautiful.

- Beautiful, not beautiful.

If you're Aly Khan

you worry about movie stars.

Me, I'm a practical man.

On the bottom, you gotta be.

Know how old I was

before I got married?

Thirty-five years old,

and I still don't know

what the hell kind of a hurry I was in.

The son of a b*tch who invented

the fluorescent bulb should drop dead.

They never wear out, those things, you

know that? They could burn for years.

- Leo!

- Ben!

Hey, you kids having a good time?

- It's a fine wedding, Mr. Patimkin.

- Thank you, thank you.

- So?

- What do you think

- of your brother getting married?

- You like weddings, Daddy?

I like my kids' weddings.

I didn't even own an automobile.

His brother and I don't own a car.

I take the train wherever I go.

Anything in the whole world

that you want,

you know you can get them.

Because, Brenda...

...you've been a good girl.

You get good marks in school...

...and...

...you've given me a lot of naches.

A lot of joy.

All my children have.

And believe me, for a million dollars,

nobody in this world could buy that joy.

No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, I'm not kidding myself.

Ron is not the brainiest boy

in the whole world.

But he's a nice boy.

He really is a nice boy.

And believe me,

in these days, it's especially important.

Yeah, because you read in the papers,

all the boys have, today, the children.

Get in trouble.

They don't have any sense of morals,

you know?

I'll tell you the truth.

I feel very sorry for their parents.

Because...

...I know how unhappy

your mother and I would be

if we were in their position.

And...

...I thank God every day,

every day,

that I have children I can trust.

So when you go back to school,

and you're shivering and it's cold

and everything is miserable,

go to a store in Boston,

buy yourself a leather coat

with a fox-fur collar.

Now...

What is wrong?

It's a wedding. It's a wedding!

A celebration!

Anything my daughter wants

is good enough for me.

There's not a business in the world

can't use another person.

- It's a hell of a wedding.

- A-OK.

Carlotta.

- Flowers.

- Oh.

Ben, get Julie.

Harry. Harry.

- Harry, wake up already!

- What?

I must have dozed.

I must have dozed.

I know. I know you're tired, darling,

I know. I know, I know.

I got more brains in my pinky

than my brother Ben

has in his whole body.

Why? Why?

Why is he at the top

and me at the bottom?

Why?

Why?

Your wife and your child

are exhausted.

Go home.

You'll go...

You'll go far.

You're a smart boy.

Play it safe.

Don't louse things up.

The next time I see you,

it'll be your wedding.

- Where were you?

- Where were you?

Looking for you.

I went out for a walk with Don.

I drank too much and got sick.

I feel terrible.

What a horrible way

to spend our last night together.

Neil, I have bad news,

I can't come in next week.

- I just got your letter.

- Why don't you come up here.

I can't, really.

It's the Jewish holidays.

My aunt is having

the whole family over for dinner.

I'll get a hotel room.

Certainly make it tempting.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Did you get my suitcase?

- Yeah.

I have a reservation,

Mr. And Mrs. Neil Klugman.

Arthur!

Follow him.

- Your heart's pounding.

- I know.

- Are you nervous?

- No.

What's the matter?

Something the matter?

Yes.

Well, what is it? You didn't

mention anything on the phone.

- I only found out about it today.

- What?

They found out about us.

About our sleeping together

this summer.

I don't get it.

- My mother found the thing.

- The diaphragm?

- Yes.

- Where?

She was cleaning out the dresser.

- The dresser in your home?

- Of course in my home.

- You left the thing home?

- Well, I didn't plan on using it here.

Well, suppose I came up?

I mean... I mean, I have come up.

- What about that?

- I thought I'd go home first.

Couldn't you carry it with you

like a toothbrush?

- Are you trying to be funny?

- No, why'd you leave it home?

I told you,

I thought I'd go down there first.

Brenda, Brenda, look.

Listen, that doesn't make any sense.

Suppose you did go home,

and then you came back up?

Wouldn't you carry it with?

Wouldn't you carry it with you then?

I don't know.

What'd she do,

call you on the phone?

No, they each wrote me a little letter.

Look in my bag, read them.

Go ahead.

Read my father's first.

She never looked

in your drawer before?

How do I know?

Maybe she did, maybe she didn't.

- I couldn't think of everything.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What are you

confusing everything for?

You know, you act as though

I did it on purpose.

- Do you believe that?

- I don't know.

- Neil, are you crazy?

- Brenda.

What's crazier

than leaving that thing there?

- It was an oversight.

- Now it's an oversight.

- Before, it was deliberate.

- An oversight about the drawer.

It was not an oversight about leaving it.

Brenda, darling, darling,

wouldn't the safest, smartest,

easiest, simplest thing have been

to take that with you?

Wouldn't that be the smartest thing?

You make it seem as though

I wanted her to find it.

Do you think I need this?

I can't even go home.

- Is that so?

- Yes!

No! No! No!

It isn't so!

Your father will be waiting there

with two coats and six dresses!

- What about my mother?

- It'll be the same with her!

Neil, don't be absurd.

I can't even face them.

Why not?

Did you do anything wrong?

- Look at the reality of it, will you?

- Did you do anything wrong?

They think it's wrong.

They're my parents.

- But do you think it's wrong?

- That doesn't matter.

- It does to me.

- Now what are you accusing me of?

- You are guilty of some things.

- What?

Of leaving the

goddamn diaphragm there!

Don't start giving me

any of your psychoanalytic crap now!

Why did you leave it home?

You wanted her to find it.

- Why?

- I don't know, Brenda. Why?

What does your father

capitalize all these letters for?

My God, look at this, my God.

"As for your mistake, it takes two",

capital T,

"to make a mistake", capital M,

"and now that you will be away

at school and from him,

"you will probably do all right.

I have every faith you will", capital F.

"Your father."

Your father, your father, your father.

Your father.

What are you gonna do?

Neil, be realistic.

How can I take you home?

Can you just see us all sitting around

the table having Thanksgiving dinner?

Neil, you don't understand.

They're my parents.

They've given me everything

I've ever wanted, haven't they?

How can I not go home?

I have to go home.

Neil, you don't understand.

You don't understand anything.

All you've ever done

is accuse me of things

and criticize me of things.

Analyze me,

telling me why don't I have this fixed,

why don't I have that fixed.

As if it were my fault,

that I could have them fixed.

---the end---

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