Goodbye, Columbus Page #6

College kids.

Four years in college,

he can't load a truck.

Well, they don't teach too much about

truck loading anymore in college.

And what do they teach in college?

About books?

A lot you can learn from books.

Let me tell you something. In the real

world, you need a little gonif in you.

- You know what that means, gonif?

- Thief.

You think I'm a schmuck, don't you?

- No, I don't think so.

- Thank you.

You kids.

The way you look at us

while we bat our brains out

making a living.

Like we're freaks

and you're something special.

Let me tell you something. When I

was your age, I felt exactly like you do.

Surprise you?

Yeah. Grossman.

Five o'clock today, the deal's off.

That's right, by 5 or forget it.

Is this where you're sleeping?

- What are you doing?

- Contacts.

Is everything in its place now?

I can't believe a week

could go by so fast.

Let's slow the next one down.

We don't have time.

Listen, the whole house

is gonna be up in five minutes.

I'll only take four.

Oh, unfair. Unfair.

Neil? I spoke to my father last night

about you coming to the wedding.

I thought we wouldn't talk about

the wedding. You promised.

But I want you there.

- I know. She doesn't, your mother.

- She'll be so hysterical

- that she won't know who's there.

- I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, my God,

are you gonna start that again?

Should I love that you go back

to school the day after the wedding?

- Don't bring it up every five minutes.

- Well, I can't help it. I dread it.

Me too.

You don't act like it.

- What, would you like it in writing?

- Maybe.

Call my father's lawyer.

Why is it so peculiar

that I'd like some commitment?

Some concrete assurance

it won't all be over

two days after you're back in school?

May I know your name?

Well, you got the message.

Do you have the plan?

I can't stand the slop in this joint.

We gotta bust out.

Are you in my cellblock?

- What kind of a commitment?

- I don't know.

Some kind of sacrifice. You know,

something symbolic. A gesture.

- How about if I sacrifice my sister?

- No. Too young.

- You want my mother?

- No.

- Too old.

- Only one thing left,

- it's my sister-in-law's virginity.

- Hey.

- You think she and Ron ever did it?

- Harriette?

Not a chance.

Come on. You kidding?

With all those pills, everybody does it.

Not Harriette, she'll never do it.

Much too dirty.

Hey, I meant to ask you.

About those pills,

don't you have to take them

in the morning?

Does it make any difference

when you take it?

I don't take them.

- What did you say?

- Hard. Come on.

Brenda.

- Really hard.

- What do you take?

- Nothing. Turn off the water.

- Nothing?

Listen, I tried the pills,

but they made me fat, sick,

and every day you read something

new about them in the paper.

So I decided

I was better off with nothing.

Brenda, I'd like to talk to you

about nothing.

You mean nothing?

- Is that Julie getting up?

- You don't mean nothing.

- Hurry up, get out of here!

- That's all you're worried about?

Someone's gonna find me in here?

Can't you hear there's

somebody getting up?

How can a middle-class Jewish girl

go to bed every night with somebody

and not use any precaution?

Don't you know

they make babies that way?

You think it's like what

you read about, see in movies?

All you do is go to bed with

somebody once, and you have a baby?

Yes, it's been known to happen.

All right, all right, just tell me this.

Will you tell me this?

Will you concede this much?

It's possible, right? To get pregnant.

One time is all that's really necessary,

in theory, for you to get pregnant.

- That's possible, isn't it?

- Yes.

- With my luck, you're pregnant.

- You serious?

I'm way the hell past serious,

I'm suicidal.

Will you cut that out?

Are you so spoiled

that you can't imagine

the possibility of... Don't shush me!

You can't imagine the possibility of

something terrible happening to you?

- I don't want to discuss this anymore.

- OK.

- I don't want to discuss this anymore.

- OK.

You'll go to a doctor this afternoon,

and you'll get some pills.

- I told you, they make me sick.

- All of them?

- Lots of them.

- OK, you keep trying.

They make all different kinds,

a hundred different kinds.

I'm not taking the pills,

and that's the end.

And you don't just take the pills,

you have to start taking them

at a specific time.

Get a diaphragm.

Diaphragm?

What if I won't?

Oh, go to hell.

Did you get it?

Where is it?

- I'm wearing it.

- What?

Brenda Patimkin.

Brenda Patimkin, I love you, I love you.

Come, my pussycat!

Now that you have spoken the words

and performed the rites

which unite your lives, I do hereby,

in conformity with the faith of Israel

and in the eyes of God

and in accordance with the laws

of the state of New York,

declare your marriage

to be valid and binding,

and I pronounce you, Ronald,

and you, Harriette,

to be husband and wife

before God and before all men.

Mazel tov!

- Congratulations to you.

- Thank you very much.

And to you too, sweetie.

- Congratulations, sir.

- Thank you.

Oh, and lots of happiness to you.

Well, they got... They did it, huh?

They got married. Big weddings.

When I got married, who knew about

big weddings? You got married.

I've gotta tell you. You look lovely.

Really, you do.

Absolutely adored everything

and I love your son.

- I can't stand that Ehrlich woman.

- Congratulations.

- Neil.

- Hi.

Seymour, mechaieh. Today's gonna be

the classiest affair of the year.

Nothing but the best for our kids, huh?

Ron was telling me

you have a very interesting job.

- I work in the library.

- Wonderful!

You must get first crack

at all the bestsellers.

- Sometimes.

- I hope I'm not

being too presumptuous

in saying this,

but Ron and I were hoping that you

and Brenda would double with us.

Well, it sounds nice.

Excuse me.

You're next!

I only get shikker at weddings

and bar mitzvahs. Let's dance.

- Later, OK?

- Later? All right.

Later, later, later

Sonny, come on, take a picture.

Just Molly and me.

- Why not?

- Just Molly and me.

- Take a picture. Very nice, dear.

- Ready?

- Ready.

- Smile.

- Harry, what are you doing?

- "Harry..."

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Hi, you two lovebirds. You're next.

By the way, sweetie, what have you

been doing with yourself this summer?

Growing a penis.

- You having a good time?

- Oh, wonderful.

Great.

I told them to live in the neighborhood.

Easy for us to visit them, vice versa.

So they're gonna have a conference.

Everything today is a conference.

Are you meshuga?

It's way over 1,000 yards.

- Who's meshuga?

- Let's measure it.

Let's measure it.

- What are they doing?

- That's Uncle Max and Uncle Manny.

They're in the

carpet business together.

Hello, Neil. How are you?

- Mind if I dance with Brenda?

- No, if she wants to.

- OK?

- Come on.

So?

You're Brenda's boyfriend, huh?

You got a good deal there, boy,

if you don't louse it up.

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