Goods

---

She's a real beauty, huh?

Yep, a real beaut.

This car is for you. Now, let me guess.

The man of the house

needs a second car

so the little lady

can go to the garden club

while he plays gin rummy

with the boys, huh?

Actually, we need a car

so we can go rock climbing.

Rock climbing?

Why would anybody go climb a rock?

Man, things are changing.

I remember when men were men

and women were gals

and we'd call coloreds, coloreds.

You know, actually,

I think we're gonna get going.

Hey, come on, sweetie, don't be a b*tch.

Let's talk some numbers here.

Hey, hey, hey,

don't talk to my wife like that.

Hey, boy, I fought in the big war.

I mean, nobody tells me what to do.

You understand? Hold this.

- Oh, my God.

- Audie Murphy, motherf***er.

Somebody get Dick Lewiston off the lot.

What's it matter anyways, Mr. Selleck?

No one's selling anything.

- It's a damn killing field out there.

- Mr. Selleck, I think I made a sale.

- Terrific. Good job, Teddy.

- And he wants to pay in cash,

non-sequential unmarked bills

neatly packed in this canvas bag.

Well, that's a bank bag, Teddy.

My eyes. My eyes. My LASIK.

- Sh*t. Somebody call the cops.

- It burns!

- Teddy, go flush your eyes out.

- I feel like a Smurf just jizzed in my face.

We got to do something.

I've had this lot 27 years,

and it's dying right before my eyes.

We either do something drastic,

or we pull the plug.

I'm thinking about calling a hotshot,

a weekend warrior.

I was thinking about

calling a mercenary.

What?

- A mercenary?

- Hell, Zooha, I got no choice.

The bank's crawling up my ass

for back payments.

If we don't turn this thing around

by August,

- this place is gonna be a TCBY.

- But a mercenary?

All they do is sell cars and move on.

There's no connection

to the community, Ben.

Don't do this.

It hasn't gotten that bad, has it?

Please, God,

forgive me for what I'm about to do.

- By the way, great sale.

- Hear, hear.

Very good.

Thank you, darling.

I don't know why, but I can't enjoy

breakfast anywhere but a strip club.

My mom used to

always cook bacon naked.

She would cook bacon all day long.

Don "The Goods" Ready. Yes. Yeah.

You want some cars sold.

We'll be there.

Fourth of July weekend, three-day sale.

We got a dealership in the ICU.

Two hundred and eleven cars

getting suntans on the lot.

Guess what, fellas?

We're going to Temecula.

F***, Don.

Honey, we just finished the last job

three hours ago.

I still smell like customer.

Don, I don't mean to complain,

but it's been a year and a half

since I've been home.

And I'm 90% sure

I left my front door open.

I don't know, Don.

I think we sit this one out.

You've been pushing us pretty hard

since 'Querque.

Forget about 'Querque, all right?

What do we do? We sell cars.

What does a tiger do?

Hunts and kills prey.

What else are we gonna do in this life?

I need every swinging dick in that field.

Babs, come on. Let's do it.

All right. We are headed

to Temecula, California.

Population 98,000.

It's a family business.

Owner, one Benjamin K. Selleck.

Married 30 years to wife, Tammy.

One daughter, lvy, age 29,

looks good in beat-up jeans.

Yes, she does.

One son named Peter, age 10,

loves robot dinosaurs and pizza night.

Looks like 10-year-old Peter

got a five o'clock shadow.

Yeah, it must be the fax ink.

God bless the Hacienda Court,

but their fax service...

- What are you doing, honey?

- Enjoying myself.

Sir, there's no smoking on airplanes.

I know. It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Don't worry about it, I'll be quick.

Sir, if you light that,

I'll have to report you to the FAA.

Stacey, do you know when the first

commercial flight went smokeless?

- No.

- 1973.

And did you know that in 1969,

when smoking was allowed

on all flights,

- we put a man on the moon?

- I had no idea.

Look.

You know what that is?

That's a remnant of a better time,

but they welded it shut.

And it starts with ashtrays,

and it ends with all of our precious

freedoms being stripped away.

I remember back in the day

when you got on a plane

and you knew

you were in for a good time.

- A little smoking, a little drinking.

- Yeah.

And the stewardesses.

Stacey, you come from a proud tradition

of blazing hot stewardesses.

And now you can't do one damn thing

without someone reporting you to

the Department of Homeland Security.

- Am I right?

- That's right.

- You listen to Don.

- I had to take my pants off

and nibble my Old Spice

down to three ounces

just to get on the plane, Stacey.

They made me throw out

my mouthwash.

I had to give up my bath jellies.

They made me breastfeed

some old man.

That's what I'm talking about.

But we don't have to take it, Stacey.

Like Henry David Thoreau

and Rosa Parks

and David Lee Roth

when he left Van Halen,

we can say, "Enough. Enough injustice."

And when you and I are old and gray,

we can look back on this

and remember when we were

and we smoked one,

we smoked one for America.

Yeah.

You motherf***er.

Nice work. Nice work.

Who are you?

I'm Don Ready, and I got the goods.

This is some killer kush.

Nun pops her head out and says,

"Sh*t. Guess I got to gargle."

Poor Don. It's like everything he does

is to make him forget about 'Querque.

Takes a lot of pain to sell cars

the way that man does.

- You're here from Selleck Motors?

- No, but my dad is.

You're supposed to put the name of the

party you're picking up, not your own.

I love the drawing, though.

Yeah, I'm a really good drawer.

I like to draw stomach muscles

the most.

I can also draw Darth Vader's helmet.

I can also draw him.

I can draw a saber,

a lightsaber or a regular sword.

It doesn't even matter.

What the f*** is wrong with you?

Are you drunk?

Are you retarded?

Because we're here to help you.

Don't move. Dad, Amber Alert! Adult!

Stranger danger! Stranger danger! Dad!

Here, relax, Peter, okay? Take a swig.

It looks like it wasn't the fax ink.

He's some sort of man-child.

It's a pituitary problem, ma'am.

He's 10,

in the developing body of an adult.

I'm sorry, buddy. I am totally sorry.

Put it up here. High five.

Good effort there. You must be Ben.

I'm Don Ready.

- That's me.

- And this must be lvy.

Wow! Can I ask you a quick question?

How much does a polar bear weigh?

- No idea.

- Enough to break the ice.

- Don Ready. How are you?

- Wow.

- Went old-school with you.

- Impressive.

I'm Babs.

And, yes, the rug matches the drapes.

And this beautiful man is Jibby.

- Hi.

- What's up?

And who is this guy?

Well, you are a strapping young man.

- Brent Gage, sir.

- Brent Gage, now that is a strong name.

I don't know why, but right off the bat,

I like you a lot.

What's going on?

Peter, let's help the crew

with their luggage.

Awesome. Hold this, Dad. Transformer.

Cute, isn't he?

I'd f*** him.

Hey, what is wrong with you, lady?

He is a child.

We're only gonna be here

for three days,

so try not to fall in love with me.

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