Goods Page #2

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I'm sorry, has a girl ever bought that?

I'm just, you know, buckshot approach.

I'm just gonna keep firing

till I hit something.

That's delightful.

So, there was a kid up the street,

Chris Bamberger,

had one of those brand-new,

tricked out Krazy Kruisers.

Side brakes,

streamers off the handle grips.

In other words, fully loaded.

What am I driving?

A f***ing Hoppity Hip.

Basically a balloon with a handle on it.

It might as well have had

a bumper sticker on the back that said,

"My parents don't work."

So I walk up to him, hop up to him.

I introduce myself,

and I say, "You seem like a cool guy."

"Why don't you have a Hoppity Hip?"

You know? I tell him it's faster,

it's cooler.

It's got the finger-molded hand grip,

double-enforced bouncing axis.

I work this kid like a pro.

Walked him through the brochures.

Offered him a bubble gum cigarette.

Even threw in some night crawlers

to sweeten the deal.

Bottom line is,

this kid was actually happy

to bounce around on the balloon,

while I rode away on his brand-new,

tricked-out chopper.

I like to think that was my first sale.

Right over there is Selleck Motors.

I thought you might want to take a look.

Jesus, Ben,

looks like a refugee camp for dirty men.

Looks like the bus station

in Total Recall.

We're gonna fix your place up, Ben.

We're gonna get you

a Creatable Inflatable,

goddamn American flag,

balloons, all that sh*t.

Plus, we need a radio and TV blitz,

and we're gonna need to round up

a celebrity to make a lot appearance.

I know just who to call.

Now, let's hit the Hacienda Courts,

or as I like to call it, home.

I mean, I paid for it.

It'd be disrespectful not to masturbate.

All right, let's keep this anonymous.

Don't look at me. Don't look at me.

Don't even... Don't you look at me.

Yeah. Dawson's Creek.

James Van Der Beek, my n*gger.

Okay, Peter,

it's time to go sit in your big chair.

Now, everybody dig in. Don't be shy.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Selleck.

I'm one of those rare birds that prefers

takeout over a home-cooked meal.

Well, I got to tell you, Don,

that is flat-out weird and rude.

But you do what you need to do.

You know, Mr. Don Ready,

our lvy here actually left graduate school

to come back and help us out

with little Peter.

- Wow.

- That's the kind of girl she is.

You can take the girl

out of Temecula, but...

Hey, Brent.

...you can't take Temecula

out of the girl.

You see my wife over there?

Yeah.

It is a dead marriage.

But, you know, you learn to live with it.

You drive around, out at night,

windows down, music up.

Some people call it cruising.

Me, I call it looking for a friend.

- Are you my friend, Brent?

- No.

So tomorrow morning, our troops

will rendezvous with your troops

at 0700, and then

I'll hit the floor for my intro speech,

like a mountain lion

pouncing on an unsuspecting jogger.

Make sure your underwear

is tight tomorrow,

because you will have a boner.

Amen.

I like the sound of that. Right, Brent?

By Tuesday, my friend,

you are back in the black.

Well, hear, hear.

Okay, Mr. Ready,

this business has been in our family

for 40 years, so no sleazy stuff, okay?

Don't worry about it, darling.

We're not gonna break the rules.

We're just gonna bend them a little bit.

Okay, okay. I just... I know your type.

You know, it's all the thrill of the hunt.

I get it.

I mean, you crave it. You corner it.

But, Mr. Ready,

let me ask you a question.

Do you know what to do

when you catch it?

- Are we talking about p*ssy?

- Oh, my stars. You didn't.

- That's what she was saying.

- Oh, my goodness!

I'm sorry, I apologize.

I'm a Christian man,

or whatever religion dominates

the region that I'm selling in,

but you have to admit, it did sound like

she was talking about

the big vajayjay, right?

- Didn't it?

- Amen.

I guess it kind of did. Yeah.

Hey, come on, man.

Jibby was a pro bowler

for two years on the tour.

Got a lot of great stories.

Well, what can I say?

It was the go-go '80s,

the height of professional bowling,

girls, limos, wristbands.

Ivy, I think you got the wrong impression

of me earlier.

I'm a really sensitive person, all right?

For instance, I'm not a texter.

I'd rather hear your voice, you know.

- Hey, everybody, I'm lvy's fianc.

- Look who's here.

Paxton, such a weird thing to say

when you enter a room.

Well, I'm just letting everybody

know the deal.

Well, I am Paxton Harding

of Harding lmports.

And you must be the guys who are

going to save Ben Selleck Motors.

- Yeah. That's the idea.

- I didn't catch your name, friend.

That's because

I didn't give it to you, friend.

Well, a couple of friends ought to know

each other's names, right?

- My name's Don Ready.

- All right.

I guess I won that little exchange.

You fell for it.

In fact, let me be the first

to tell you guys, good luck.

Everyone at Harding lmports

and every dealership in this town

is rooting for you guys.

You got a Harding guarantee on that.

I swear to God.

I'm off to rehearsal.

All right? I want to give my two ladies

a kiss on the cheek.

You are so sweet.

You know, Paxton here is in one

of those popular bands in Temecula,

Balls Out.

- No, Big Ups.

- Big Ups. Sorry.

Either way.

Big Ups is the name of the band.

It's me and Ricky and Jason, and we...

You know, we sing about life

and love and passion,

and I'm not gonna lie to you,

we have some pretty sick dance moves.

Are you in a boy band?

No, I'm in a man band.

We're all over 30, we call it a man band.

You're men in a boy band.

We opened for O-Town,

right here in Temecula, okay?

- Google it.

- No.

- Google it.

- No.

Why wouldn't you google it?

I just told you to google it.

- Google "Big Ups."

- You know, I googled it.

It said you f***ing blow.

That was O-Town's website.

You know what? I'm rising above this.

While you guys are yukking it up,

I'm gonna go rehearse with Big Ups.

Ricky and Jason are in the car. Let's go.

- All right, bye-bye.

- See you all tomorrow.

Man, that dude is garbage.

What a jerk.

Who wants a big hunk of this meat?

Hey, guys.

A couple guys came in here earlier

looking for Vanessa,

and I got a little bit of bad news for you,

Vanessa is dead.

Here's Radio Moscow.

It's funny, I haven't been in Temecula in,

what, 23 years.

Last time I was here,

I spent two straight days

in a Hacienda Courts

with the third runner-up

to Miss Temecula.

Never saw her again.

Hey, what do you make

of this Selleck guy?

I got to be honest with you,

have you noticed him saying

overtly sexual things to me?

- Touching me?

- I haven't.

That is disgusting.

But don't get me wrong,

I have an erection.

Babs?

Can I tell you a deep, dark secret

I ain't never told anyone before?

Baby, I really would rather you not.

I'm tired.

I'm 42 years old,

and I ain't never, ever

made love to a woman.

- You're a virgin?

- Hell, no.

No, I've been with hundreds of women,

maybe thousands.

I just ain't never really ever made love

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