Goods Page #3

---

to a woman.

You know, I've done three ways,

four ways,

mnage trois, mnage cinq, six.

I've 69ed, 89ed, 114ed.

Golden, diamond and platinum showers.

I like that.

I mean, I've ripped sh*t up.

Done all that.

But I ain't never, ever made love

to a woman.

You will, Jibby.

As long as we're being honest,

I've something I want to share with you.

I think I want to make love

to a 10-year-old boy.

What?

But he's in the body

of a 30-year-old man,

so who's to blame?

- You the adult.

- Right.

You'd be the one to blame.

Hey, Babs. Hey, Jibby.

Hey, Don,

there are three hot dancers over there.

I think they might be good for the sale.

Yeah, sign them up. Good energy,

make the customers happy.

Hey, guys,

get those food orders in quickly,

'cause in 25 minutes the kitchen

is rented out for a porno shoot.

- Are you disgusted? I am.

- Book the DJ.

You sure, Don?

I just thought after 'Querque...

Hey. 'Querque was 'Querque.

This is this.

It's time for all of us to move on,

all right?

And it starts with booking that DJ.

Where is he? I even wore my tight

underwear for the boner speech.

Just relax, honey. He's getting ready.

As for the underwear,

I think it was just an expression.

Look, I may be old-fashioned,

but the man says,

"Wear your boner pants,"

I wear my boner pants.

You can do this. You are a winner.

Don Ready has the heart of a champion.

I'm a f***ing stallion. I should be owned

by a goddamn Middle Eastern sheikh.

There's almost no doubt

you invented the phrase, "It's all good."

In the schoolyard, a Don Ready

is a euphemism for a hard-on.

All right, fellas,

everybody gather around.

Now, you all know the deal.

Over the next few days,

Don Ready and his team

will be overseeing sales.

Basically, they will be your boss

for the weekend.

Now, I trust them. And if you trust them,

together we will sell cars.

You were the first person to wear

a Von Dutch trucker hat.

- I really regret that.

- As well you should.

Look at my husband.

Looks like he's got a Don Ready.

Give me a minute.

I'm Babs Merrick.

I'm gonna tell you people a little story.

A story about a girl who grew up

in the worst part of the South Bronx.

Well, one day, this little girl fell in love

with a boxer named Winston.

But their love was too good to last,

and one day,

the Vice Lords came a-calling,

saying, "Winston,

it's time to take a dive."

Coroner found two bullets in his heart.

One of them

was meant for this little girl.

It's a hard world, mama

You got to push on through

'Cause life in the ghetto

Well, everyone told this little girl

to shut her mouth and go away.

But she didn't do that.

She made sure every single one

of those pieces of human trash

looked her straight in the eye

before she pulled the trigger

on that platinum.357 Magnum.

Jose!

Ramon!

It ain't easy

I got to tell you people, on TV,

they don't show the dead man

when the poop leaves the butt.

Make no mistake, gentlemen,

when you die, poop leaves your butt.

Man. That is a dark story.

I know. I made it up.

Have a great sale, everybody.

- What?

- Great sale.

It ain't easy

- She made it up?

- It ain't easy.

I'm Brent Gage.

They call me The Magician.

I am a wizard with numbers.

I have never, never lost a sale

to bad credit.

Quick story. A couple years ago,

MC Hammer, remember him?

He was in bankruptcy,

living on the street,

sleeping in the left leg

of his Hammer pants.

The next day,

I financed that man a car,

no questions asked.

Hammer lived in that car

for the next year and a half.

So you guys are just taking over?

With your cool nicknames

and your confidence?

I mean, how are we supposed to feel?

Yeah, what about our sales?

Our commissions?

It's all good.

I'm Don "The Goods" Ready.

Everyone here told you their story.

Here's mine.

I have hair on my balls and I sell cars.

The end.

All right. Today, tomorrow, Monday.

It's July 4th weekend, everybody,

and we're going to war, all right?

When you guys are deep in the sh*t,

I want you to think about the real heroes

of this Independence Day.

The Revolutionary War soldier

who had his gangrene foot sawed off,

with nothing to numb the pain

except a shot of whiskey

and that guy with the weird headband

playing the flute.

What about Private Jones, huh?

Seventeen-year-old soldier.

Got his guts shot out

in a 'Nam rice paddy. All right?

Dick here knows what I'm talking about.

He's talking about freedom,

you f***ing queers!

Don't even get me started

on Pearl Harbor.

Our Navy boys out there

enjoying the bright Hawaiian sun,

when all of a sudden, here comes

the Japs flying in low and fast.

This dealership is our battlefield.

Don't give up the fight.

We are the Americans,

and they are the enemy. Never again.

Never again.

Never again!

- Never again! Never again! Never again!

- Never again! Never again! Never again!

Let's get him!

Eat my sh*t!

- Dad, don't you think you should step in?

- No, he can take it. He's squirrelly.

Stop! All right, stop!

Everyone, calm down!

Put him down, Jibby.

Okay, we have all just participated

in a hate crime.

Was it a hate crime

or a freedom crime?

All right, everyone, just calm down.

Bottom line,

we have all just committed

a federal offense.

Which means that G-men

are gonna be crawling all over this lot.

Let's get our story straight.

Dang came at us with a samurai sword,

fire extinguisher,

and Chinese throwing stars.

- Yeah.

- That seems plausible.

No, I did not. No, I did not. I...

We got to get a sword

and get his prints on it.

There was no weaponry of any kind!

Okay, Dang, how about this?

You get first dibs on customer ups.

In return, you agree to forget all about

being the victim of a hate crime.

Okay.

- That's it, Dang. That's the guy we love.

- Thank you, Mr. Selleck. I'm really sorry.

I'm not even Japanese. I'm Korean.

Korean? Why didn't you say so?

On that note, let's man those

battle stations, everybody, all right?

Never again.

We got one hour.

Let's get this place in shape.

Really simple, boys. If you take this six,

you flip it, that's the price.

You know what you can do with this?

You can take this

and turn it into that if you want.

You've taken $3,000 off this car.

It's back down to your original price.

- Zooha, to sell you must...

- Confine, confuse, conflict.

Nice! Teddy Dang, to close, you must...

Lie, loan, leave.

Nice. Mr. Dick Lewiston?

Go f*** yourself,

you bald-headed son of a b*tch.

- I've seen more hair on bacon.

- Good enough.

Wow, you must be the girls

from the strip club.

- Yes. Heather.

- Hey, Heather. How are you?

Your job is to greet people,

get them in the buying mood, okay?

- I have an idea.

- Sure.

Since it's July 4th, I thought it'd be good

to talk to the customers

about how this government

has been cutting benefits for veterans.

Let me guess, you are dancing to pay

for your Masters in Political Science.

- Yes. How did you know?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes