Goods Page #4

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- I don't know.

Stripper stories,

they usually come in three,

college student, single mom, cokehead.

What's your son's name?

I'm kidding.

I don't even know what I'm saying.

I'm bananas.

You guys are doing an amazing job.

Sapphire, wipe your nose. God.

All right, we gonna be selling

some cars today.

And tomorrow,

you know who we got coming in? I do.

American Idol's very own

Bo Bice's brother is coming down.

Yes. Eric Bice will be right here,

rocking the stage.

Hey, DJ. This place is about to pop.

Why don't you throw on

some Charlie Daniels?

Good call.

Nobody tells DJ Request what to play.

Let them tell you what to play,

they lose respect for you.

They lose respect for you,

you lose control.

Not today.

All right.

- You want to thumb wrestle?

- Yeah, I'm awesome.

- You won.

- I totally beat you.

- What are you gonna do to me now?

- What?

- You better spank me or something.

- Babs! He's 10.

Ten and a half.

Do you hear that, Ready?

Ten and a half.

Brent. Those are my kids.

Yeah. And probably a good reason

you're not selling.

What are you talking about?

Zooha, let's face it.

You've got husky kids.

I know it, you know it,

and every Chuck E. Cheese

in a 50-mile radius knows it.

You know who doesn't need to know it?

The customer.

I don't understand.

Look, you put up a picture of skinny kids.

Customer thinks, "Oh, my lord,

this guy needs the commission.

"He's got to feed those hungry mouths."

Okay. I get it. I get it.

Should I take down the picture

of my wife?

No, that's your closer.

Fat kids, customer hates you.

Fat wife, customer pities you.

Sh*t, Zooha. That's the best fat wife

I've seen in four or five years.

Can I have a copy of it?

Nice balloons.

Wow, that line must have

knocked them dead in the frat house.

Come on,

I'm just trying to have some fun.

So, you pumped for the big day?

Yeah, it should be great.

They say you sell some cars.

Let's see you sell some cars.

No, no, I'm not talking about the sale.

I'm talking about your wedding.

Excited to spend the next 60 years

of your life with...

- Paxton?

- Paxton.

BMW boy band Paxton.

Seems like a super guy.

Now, now.

All right, what about you?

You have any relationships

that last longer than a lap dance?

Have you seen what these girls

do these days?

I mean, we are living in the golden age

of lap dances.

- Wow, that has got to be tiring.

- No.

You don't want a home life?

You don't want to live for somebody

other than yourself?

No time.

I'm on the road 51.5 weeks a year,

and I like myself a lot. I'm having a blast.

You know what? I don't believe you.

Look at them.

They're like crazy boat people. I love it.

Give away free hot dogs

and put up an inflatable gorilla,

sh*t's gonna go down.

I feel exactly like I did before I landed

on lwo Jima, I swear to God.

There's no difference at all.

Attaboy, Teddy.

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Sell these bastard cars! Sell the metal.

Sell the metal. Sell the metal.

Sell the metal. Sell the metal.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Welcome to Selleck Motors.

Let's get you in a car.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi. Welcome to Selleck Motors.

- Yes, sir.

Welcome to Selleck Motors.

Thanks so much.

What's wrong with her?

What's her name?

Stephanie.

Hey, little Stephanie.

You're amazing.

What did you say to her?

Shut the f*** up.

Why don't we get you into

one of these minivans?

Zooha!

- You feel it?

- Yeah.

I call it the divine rush.

Money for cars. Salesmen

putting themselves on the line.

Capitalism, it's my high.

I haven't seen the lot like this

since I brought in the Bandit Car.

You know, rumor is that

that car is one of the cars

that was in Smokey and the Bandit.

That weekend this place was hopping.

I was thinking we should get that

out of here, you know.

It's bad for business.

No, that car is a collector's car. That's

worth $200,000, won't take a cent less.

But in this Auto Lister, they have

the same exact car for $1,000 less.

Wow. What a great deal.

- Excuse me, can I see that?

- Sure.

My, my.

If you can get this car for 1,000 less,

you should definitely buy.

In fact, let me call.

Thank you.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

Hello?

Hi, I'm calling about the car

you have advertised.

Can we get a drink?

- No, I don't want to go for a drink.

- Yeah, I can put you in my truck.

We can drive around.

You can see how it handles.

- Maybe go to the reservoir.

- Excuse me? I...

- Put the lotion in the basket.

- Who...

- Put the lotion in the f***ing basket.

- Oh, my God.

See, I try to tell women all the time.

Auto Lister's like MySpace

for serial killers.

I don't want to see another one of these

on this lot.

I think I'll just take this car

right over here.

Okay, here's the deal, Gary.

I know the stereotype.

I'm a woman, got a luscious body,

provocative clothes.

I'm gonna use sex to sell cars.

You know what's gonna sell this car?

Price, nothing else.

I mean, I like men.

I like men a lot.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Do you know what I love?

I love women.

Yeah?

I mean, I'm talking me, an Asian chick,

and a schoolteacher in a shower.

- Yeah.

- Get all soapy together and so wet.

And you know what?

Maybe like a construction lady comes in,

like, you know,

like I can't even tell if she's hot or not.

- Okay.

- But then she says,

"Looks like I could do some work here."

- And she takes off her hat.

- It falls down. Sure.

And then you guys come over

and all three of you undress her.

- Yeah. Hey, hey, guess what?

- Yeah.

- What? No.

- I'm next door.

Yeah, 'cause I'm the superintendent,

and I'm working on like paperwork,

like doing people's checks, I'm like...

Yeah.

- "What is that noise?"

- Like, "That's weird.

"There's not supposed to be anybody

next door."

"Hey, who's in there?"

And I just hear, "Oh, oh."

I listen by the door for a while,

then I open it up, I'm like, "Hello?"

- I still can't see the steam.

- Like, "I'm so scared. Who is it?

"Who is that man?"

"Hey, you're not supposed

to be in here."

- Can I give you something to say?

- Yeah.

Say this, say, say,

"Hey, I knew something was missing

in this apartment,

"a big cock."

"I knew something was missing

in this apartment, a big cock."

And we're f***ing, and then

someone else goes, "Oh, yeah..."

- F***. I just thought of something, man.

- What?

How the f*** are you gonna get there?

I'm right next door, remember?

I'm just gonna walk over.

No, man, this is miles and miles away,

man. You got to get there soon!

I'm, like, managing

a bunch of properties?

Yes!

How are you... It's across town.

How are you gonna get there?

I don't know. I don't have a car.

I gotta get a bus...

No, man,

you got to f***ing take this car.

Yes. I am gonna buy this car.

It's a good car, right?

- No.

- I don't give a sh*t. I'll f***ing push...

Go see the dudes in the back!

- Run, man! Run!

- I'm gonna go buy this car.

In your country,

they would cut your hands off

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