Goon: Last of the Enforcers

(crowd cheering)

(SportsDesk theme music)

- Hey, I'm James Duffy.

- Yes, he is. I'm Chad Bailey,

sexy, roguish new face of

our parent company's effort

to rebrand SportsDesk

for a new generation.

SportsDesk, it's not

delivery; it's SportsDesk.

- OK, uh, we go live to

Reading, Pennsylvania.

With the Big League officially shut

down thanks to the lockout, all eyes

are on the ENHL tonight

as the Reading Wolfdogs

get set to take on the Halifax...

- Highlanders, this season, the big show

made it to us. This lockout means

there's gonna be a whole bunch

of big d*cks swinging away down to

our league. Play is gonna get faster,

the hits are gonna get harder,

crowd's gonna get "crowdier."

F***ing boys of the light brigade,

and you're gonna need someone

at the tip of the spear. You need a cap.

- Yeah.

- He's bled blue and orange for this team

a long time.

- That's right.

- He's got that sh*t that keeps him going

long after he has any reason to.

- (Coach):
Open that up.

- Dougie. My boy. Put this f***er on!

Come on!

- (player):
Looks good on you.

- Cheers. - (player): Alright.

- C, whoo!

(sighing)

- Thank you guys so much.

I've never been a captain before.

One time, I had a dream that I

was a captain of a monkey ship.

There was all these monkeys

playing around, laughing,

having fun, singing,

wearing little monkey sailor hats,

fighting over life jackets.

Pierce Brosnan was screaming.

I hope one day I could be

the captain of your dreams.

Best wishes. Doug Glatt.

- OK, yeah, alright, good. Well, we... Dougie,

didn't make you captain for your speeches.

We made you captain... Because you leave

it all out there on the f***ing ice.

Ah, this sport is everything to you, right?

You make me proud to own this team.

I want you all to watch

Doug out there tonight.

Watch him do whatever the

f*** it takes to get us

the W. That said,

come on, let's get after

it, boys! (cheering)

- Congrats, bud. - Fresh-beat ice, boys.

- Thank you, buddy.

- I can't wait, Dougie.

- Go out and captain out there.

- (Duffy):
Joining us for tonight's

game, our own Red McCauley.

- (McCauley):
Reading city

council spent a bunch of money

on a new Jumbotron and right now,

it's making everything red.

- Go, boys!

(siren)

- I love this f***ing game.

- (McCauley):
And back to Reading here.

Here's Laflamme dancing with the puck.

Laflamme spins. He shoots. He hit the post!

Now it's Laflamme again. He's all

over the ice! Murphy steps into him.

Ohh! Glatt absolutely levels

Michael Murphy. Sorry, Mikey.

- (McCauley):
Glatt's escorted aside

by a couple of Reading Wolfdogs.

Laflamme! He was flattened.

That angers Glatt.

Glatt fires a left. He fires a right.

- Sorry, Mikey.

- (McCauley):
They're falling.

The Wolfdogs are down.

- Sorry, Mikey.

- Shut the f*** up, Doug.

- (McCauley):
And that is what

friends are for, especially

when your friends are huge

Jewish guys named Doug Glatt.

(dynamic music)

Here's Laflamme taking the

puck. He moves up the left wing.

Laflamme trying to go to the

outside as the penalties expire.

Both sides at full swing.

Laflamme in behind the goal,

takes it into the corner He circles.

What's in front? Awaiting there is Glatt,

but Laflamme holds up, jams out. He scores!

Laflamme makes it 1-nothing for

the Halifax Highlanders. Alright.

- (McCauley):
Reunited,

and it feels so good.

It's a new dawn for

the Halifax Highlanders.

(encouragements)

- You're like Captain America!

- "Captain America"!

- (McCauley):
New owner and

GM Hyrum Cain's plan to win

a championship in his

first season starts off

with a bang as the

Highlanders open the scoring.

(SportsDesk theme music)

- Highlanders draw first

blood at the buzzer,

but the real story here

is the physical play.

Doug Glatt, like a huge

Jewish freight train

doing what he does best.

His tilt with Ross Rhea still

number 1 on the Hockeyfights.com

all-time best list.

He's already proving

to be a difference maker

for Halifax GM and

Highlanders' hall of famer

Hyrum Cain.

- The other story to follow

of course is Hyrum's son

Anders Cain who's coming

off that career-high

season last year: 80 points.

Anders now finds himself up

against his own father's team

in the very first game of the season.

Anders is the prototypical

modern-era tough guy,

able to drop the gloves

and put up the points as well.

Anders and Xavier Laflamme

are perfect examples of the

kind of the top-quality talent

this lockout is already providing

the League. What a great lockout.

- No one ever says that.

- I just did. And I'm Chad Bailey. SportsDesk...

it's sports at a desk, you lunatics.

Look at this motherfucking desk.

- I wanted to thank my big sis, Eva,

for organizing the f*** out of this!

- Yeah! - Indeed!

- Gonna get "shittered";

might as well get "shittered"

at my place of work.

- Place of work! (cheering)

Place of work! Place of work!

- And you just add some cheese in there.

- Oh, sh*t, there he is! Dougie!

- When it gets to a certain

length, I just go to the barber

and he cuts it to the length

that I want him to cut it in.

Thank you.

- (woman):
Attaboy, Dougie.

- But just to summarize, that's

a yes on mandatory neck guards.

- Yes. That's correct. Thank you.

- OK. Now while we have

you here, is there anyone

back home you'd like

to give a shout out to?

- Yes, thank you. I want to

say hi to my one teammate Eva

who couldn't be here tonight. She's my teammate

and can't be here right now. My wife Eva.

- Doug with that big dick! (blonde woman laughing)

- That's not appropriate.

- I'll do whatever my team needs me to do.

- (blonde woman): Yeah, you do.

- (other woman):
Yeah, Dougie!

- Whatever you need.

(Eva vomiting) Hahaha!

- Oh, my God!

- Hahaha!

My beer is back.

(Eva coughing) (toilet flushing)

(sighing)

- Ugh!

(other toilet flushing)

(ominous music) (baby laughing)

Aw, f...

- F*** sake!

Jesus Christ! Goddammit!

No one wants to skate anymore. Is

that it? Do you want to sit here?

Breathe hard? Dougie, you're on.

I want you to rough up a few Reading c*nts

right now. The boys need some inspiration,

and you can provide that.

Let's go! Come on, come on!

- Let's go, boys! Let's turn

this f***ing thing around.

(dramatic music)

- Here it comes.

(crowd gasping)

- You wanna go?

(stick falling on ice)

(whistle)

- Come on, come on.

- (crowd, chanting): Fight!

- (McCauley):
Jesus Christ!

Anders came with the opening salvo!

- Come on, come on!

- Doug Glatt is rocked!

Cain just keeps pouncing.

The Thug is in trouble, folks!

- Ugh!

(grunting)

- (McCauley):
What has

happened to Doug Glatt?

The champion in so many eyes!

(crowd cheering)

- (Laflamme):
F*** off! You f***!

(Glatt groaning)

- You popped your whole arm out. F*** me!

- Did I lose?

(rock music)

(audio feedback)

- Our boy's moving on to greener pastures.

But remember, once a Highlander...

- (crowd):
Always a Highlander!

- F***ing A!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes