Goon: Last of the Enforcers Page #2

- This one's for you, Dougie.

(guitar tuning and drumroll)

Oh, Dougie boy

The pipes, the pipes are calling

- Jesus Christ, he's drunk already.

- F***ing right, man. From glen to glen

- Potato f***ing salad.

- And down the mountain

- Ow!!

- You will never eat a meal in peace.

- Animals don't eat in peace.

Animals eat pieces of dog sh*t.

- I'm not a f***ing animal, man!

I'm a real person! I got real f***ing

emotions. I don't eat... F*** you!

- Ow! You f***ing Neanderthals!

- So f***ing tired though.

I'm not as fast as I used to be.

- I'm not as tough as I used to be.

- (man):
Dougie, this is all for you!

(some people laughing)

- How much you... How much recovery time?

(man still singing)

- Doctor said

that I should never play hockey again.

- Tabarnak!

- Yeah. That's exactly what I said.

(Doug sighing) And we have a baby coming.

Eva's cousin, he's got a job

opportunity at an insurance company.

- Oh, Dougie boy

- I mean...

- Dougie boy!

I love you so

- Got beaten.

(drumroll) He beat me.

I have to make responsible decisions.

(crowd applauding and cheering)

- Alright.

- I got you. I got you, friend.

- Stevesy, I think I'm gonna piss myself.

(retro orchestral music playing)

- Hey! There's my guy!

Hey, stay there, I'll come to you.

Ooh! Yeah.

- (employee):
I'm good, Ray.

- Just stand here?

- Just...

I told you I'm coming to you. I'm Doug

Glatt. I said I was coming to you.

I can do this. Prostate.

Work up. Got a melon.

Here we go. See? Flat,

I'm fine. It's the stairs.

- I'm Doug Glatt. - Yeah. Bob Forbes.

- Ow, my arm!

- Oh yeah, hell of an arm! How

excited are you right now, huh?

- Yes. Thank you so much.

The windows here are great.

- Yeah, tell you what. You deserve

'em. 'Cause the sky is the limit

here at Cornwallis Insurance.

- Hmm! - You seen the commercials?

- No.

- Ah, you should, they're real good. It says,

Go ahead and call us, we're...

- You want me to call you?

- No, I want you to finish the song. Cornwallis.

- Oh.

- Hahaha! There he is. He's going up, this guy.

Get in there.

Used to be a jail.

Prisoners killed themselves.

"Doug Glatt, storage room,"

that's you. How does that feel?

You know, you mentioned

you play hockey; I used

to watch a lot of hockey 'til it

got too exciting for the old ticker.

Had a massive heart attack. Yep,

I am a sick man. Anyway,

I'm lying on my death bed,

and that's when I got bit

by the selling insurance bug.

(Doug chuckling) Yep, she laid eggs

right inside of me, and now you're here.

- I'm allergic to eggs.

- You're an idiot;

nobody's allergic to eggs. (man

outside moaning) Oh, Christ,

this guy. Come on, come on! Come on!

Aah! Get out of there! Quit! Quit that!

- (man outside):
F*** you!

- It's like he's showing off. Huh? Nice fixed stream.

- Yeah.

- God! They got a whole alley to do that in and then they choose

this window to piss on.

God, it's like crack to them.

- Crazy.

- They also sell crack at that window.

- Oh! OK.

- But don't worry, it's safe as

long as you get out by sundown.

That's when the handjobs start.

(pop music playing)

- What the...?

A lot of cars in our driveway.

(You're a Strange Animal

by Gowan playing)

- AAAH! Surprise!

- Hey, f***!

- I was gonna be in town anyway, so I thought to

myself, wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity

to organize a little something

for the two of you? Ohhh,

I am so proud of you, Dougie. You

found something secure and steady.

You see? Everything has a time and a place.

Hmm! Hmm-hmm!

- Thanks, Mom.

- Oh. Your house, the baby...

I can't believe I'm gonna be a grandmother.

If I'm being honest, there was a while there

where I never thought it was gonna happen,

what with Ira being the way he is and all.

- Jesus, Mom.

- Wow!

If it makes you feel any

better, I go all kinds of ways.

- What kinds of ways?

- Ah, you get me drunk enough,

I'll munch a box. That's not an

animal; I got all kinds of tricks.

(man growling)

- Feels like my ass threw up!

HEYYY! There he is! No, no, come on,

give me the good stuff.

Give me the... No, no.

(gurgling)

- (Doug's mom):
Ohhhh!

- F***ing... Mazel tov!

Mazel tov! In your a...

Oh, excuse me, I didn't... I'm sorry.

Sorry. - (whispering): No. F***.

- I was just pretending to butt f*** my friend.

I don't think we've been properly introduced.

I'm Patrick... Hoolahan.

- We've met, you idiot!

You wouldn't stop hitting on

me at Doug and Eva's wedding.

And you fell asleep and pissed yourself.

- Nice. Represent.

- (Mary):
Yeah.

- Why do you have a boner?

- You just noticed that?

- Hey, what, I have a...

- (Mary):
It's massive.

- What? Uh...

- Come on, clean it up!

- Ah! - No! Stop!

- Just trying to get rid of it.

- Pat always gets boners.

- (Pat):
F***! DIB! HIYA!

- So how was your first day?

- Work?

Oh, it... Aw, It was so fun.

Yeah. I mean, there's

so many documents and...

phone calls to make and receive and...

You sit a lot.

I mean, like, pretty much the whole day.

So it's safe. You know, it's really safe.

Plus there's a Harvey's

close by, which is good.

- Hey. I'm proud of you,

of us.

We're doing this. It's...

it's a f***ing a lot and...

(chuckling) It's crazy, but we're doing it.

Together.

- A team.

- Yeah, we're a team. Got each other's backs.

I know it's hard for you.

I mean, I know you miss it.

And I miss it too.

I loved watching you play,

but I love you and...

the family we're gonna

have, more. (toilet flushing)

- AAH! Guys! Dropping loads.

Dropping f***ing hot meatball

loads from my a**hole.

- Hey, Pat.

- This... I

- I was just... I'm having... I'm having

some stomach issues today.

- (announcer):
Ladies and germs,

welcome to the Bruised and Battered

Hockey Fighting Competition.

Proudly banned in 11 states,

6 provinces and 1 territory!

The hockey tournament

for retired fourth-liners

with only one rule:

no hockey.

- You know, I tell ya, Hot Ice

would have been all over this sh*t.

F***ing kids these days

with their f***ing...

YouTube.

F***ing Isis.

I tell you what, I'm into

new sh*t now. But lately,

Dougie, my new thing; I'm all about going

f***ing door to door

selling f***ing china deluxe.

Look at this f***ing thing,

right? You know, you f***ing...

You put it someplace, you put it

another place. People f***ing look at it.

Does everything it needs to do.

Dope, right? Dougie?

- I keep going over

and over it in my head.

He was unlike anybody

I've ever fought before.

He was faster...

meaner.

Thank God Eva wasn't

watching when he beat me.

- (announcer):
And now, the

main event of the evening!

Fighting for the $400 grand prize

is reigning champ, Ross "the Boss"...

- Rhea!

- (announcer):
Rhea!

- (Pat):
Yep, you kicked the

sh*t out of him. He looks like

265 pounds of dog sh*t stuffed

into f***ing ice skates,

but, tell you what,

motherf***er can still bang.

(neck cracking)

- Hey, Barnesby.

- Bossman.

- How's the shoulder?

- F***ed as usual.

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