Goon Page #4

so I didn't want to call my friend

and then bother you.

I just was checking...

Simply checking the numbers out.

Hey, listen, I'm at the bar with my team.

I think some of your friends

are gonna come.

I don't know if you wanna,

like, join us.

I've been trying to cut

my drinking down.

Trying to be a good girl. Trying.

Well, you know, maybe you and I could

hang out sometime?

You know, get, like, coffee.

Erm... Sure.

Great. I don't drink coffee but I like

Gatorade and power drinks and water.

- Awesome.

- It doesn't matter if I'm thirsty.

If I could just see you.

- That sounds cool.

- Okay.

- Okay, I'll see you then.

- Bye, Eva.

Bye.

Yes!

All you pinko Bolshevik

ass-eaters, man!

It is beach ball because you cannot

even stop a f***ing beach ball.

- Not nice.

- Beach ball is bigger than puck.

- This why joke is.

- I f***ing get it, man.

..you come on and you know that...

- Shut up!

- The score's tied

with two minutes 52 seconds left.

Steve-O, Steve-O, Steve-O.

Nah, sit down, son.

Glatt, you're on

but you're not fighting anybody.

Park your ass in front of that goal

tender and screen him. Let's do this.

Don't be a p*ssy. Get that big ass

right in front of him. Block the lay.

- F***!

- Let's go, let's go.

Oh, the Thug is coming in

on a power play.

- Do you believe in miracles?

- Thank you.

And the puck is dropped.

Glatt heads to the front of the net.

Puck is back to the point.

Here's Kim with it, gets it over.

Glatt is screening it,

all the action is in front of the net.

Halifax winds it up. Here's the shot.

Kim scored!

3:
2!

I don't think the Moncton goalie saw

anything but a wall of Glatt.

Boys, ten seconds left now.

- Keep the wolves out of the barn.

- Eight seconds!

There's Lemieux.

This guy's going glove, Mommy,

this guy's going glove.

Lemieux is across the line,

takes the shot.

- Come on!

- Horatio at the bridge!

The game is over! Halifax has broken

their losing streak.

Their first win of the month!

Wow, what a show.

I'm gonna go crack some champagne

and make love to my lady.

It'll be the first time, the best time,

in a long time.

That was f***ing hockey, man!

Oh, thank you.

That's so nice.

Hey. Hi, Eva.

Wow, you look so pretty.

- I just have to go to the washroom.

- Yeah.

Okay.

Can I get a Gatorade?

Hey. Had to go potty?

Look, I liked making out with you.

It was fun

but what happened between us

the other night, it was a one-off.

I'm sorry. I mean,

Jesus, all we did was make out.

Er, anyway. It was a mistake.

You're actually nice

and I'm a huge b*tch.

- Eva! Don't say that.

- I'm a very bad girlfriend.

- Girlfriend?

- Yeah.

I have a boyfriend, which is awesome.

F***.

Jeez.

Well, I guess it's kind of weird,

giving you these flowers.

Oh, man.

- Chocolates.

- Oh!

And this stuffed animal. It's a doll.

It's not really a stuffed animal.

It's a stuffed Angus.

It's the mascot of the team I play for,

the Halifax Highlanders.

It's a little toy.

But it's official.

- F***'s sake.

- No it's hilarious.

It's a simple misunderstanding.

I'm fine.

- Okay. Bye, Eva.

- Bye, Doug.

It's official, the mascot.

F***.

What...?

Oh...

F*** me, Angus.

It's not the first time

that wind blew garbage in my face.

My friends built this bike ramp

behind the medical centre.

I was pedalling fast

and as I was going up the ramp,

the wind blew these like bloody rags

right into my face.

I crashed into the dumpster

and I was rolling around in medical waste

because I was so disoriented.

I broke my ankle in three places.

The worst part was

there was a big bag of pee

and I rolled over on it

and it like burst all over me.

- You think it's funny, too?

- Yes, very much so.

Garbage blows in my face sometimes.

Thanks for the ride.

It was good to see you.

Doug...

Right. My boyfriend.

- Bye, Eva.

- Bye, Doug.

# Ma il mio mistero chiuso in me

# Il nome mio nessun sapr! No, No!

# Dilegua, o notte!

# Tramontate, stelle!

# All'alba vincer! #

Go get 'em, Dougie.

Douglas Manacham Glatt!

Prrt! Prrr! Pretzel, b*tches!

- Hey, what the hell?

- Recognize.

- Of course I recognize you.

- Do you recognize your family?

My God! I'm so happy.

Glatt, what are you doing?

Start skating, shave some ice.

- Love you guys.

- We love you, Dougie!

Hey, he can skate.

- His shirt says Glatt.

- It says your f***ing name.

- Language. Do you mind, Pat?

- He can't stop. It's like Tourette's.

- Hey, do you want a go?

- Yeah, okay.

- Good luck, man.

- You, too, buddy.

- Puck drops and we got something.

- Oh...!

Kiss his f***ing ass, Dougie!

Punch for a punch,

neither giving an inch...

- Wow.

- Right, left, right, left.

- Nail him, Doug.

- Landing blows to the head,

to the body, everywhere.

- Oh, my f***!

- Oh, God.

Easy, okay, easy!

- Good fight, man.

- Good fight.

He's a nice guy.

Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!

Do you hear that?

Just a minute four left.

The score's tied.

Everything on the line as Halifax look

to extend their wins to four.

Now a three on one develops

as Kim moves in.

- Kim lets the shot go...

- Ow!

He scores!

It was Doug Glatt in the conservatory

with his ass.

And the young gun from Orangetown

they call The Thug has done it.

Whoo! Sh*t!

The Highlanders might just make a run

for the playoffs after all.

You make me happy, man,

with your ass!

- My ass.

- With your ass!

Well done, boys. Tonight, good food,

good women, good rest.

Not necessarily in that order.

Glatt, Laflamme, get changed,

in my office.

Good job, boys.

See you tomorrow morning.

Way to go, Dougie!

This boy popped the cherry tonight.

Popped my cherry.

What does that mean?

- Boys.

- Coach.

One of you has really been

impressing me with your play lately

and one of you hasn't.

Want to venture a guess

as to who's who?

Well, Laflamme, I'm ripping that A

off your jersey.

You don't deserve it,

unless A stands for a**hole.

Glatt, you're promoted.

Assistant captain.

Good on you.

Keep up the good work.

- There's the puck. I'm proud of you.

- Thanks, Coach.

Xavier, you can take this the right way

or the wrong way.

Ladies' choice.

Xavier!

- Go get him.

- Hey, bud, wait up!

Oh, my God! You scored!

With your f***ing ass, you scored?

You son of a b*tch. Look at you!

You'll love this. I know how you like

Middle Eastern food.

And Uncle Stevie, he's a good friend.

He's very robust.

Holy f***ing shitass, Dougie,

you f***ing scored?

You just fisted that motherf***er

right in the ass.

F***, I'm so sorry.

I'm so f***ing sorry.

- There he is! There's the guy.

- Hey!

Dougie, my friend, good to see you as

always, eh?

That's my top customer right there.

Five times a week I see you, right?

I watched this guy fight three guys,

knock out all their teeth.

Three guys! Four teeth! One game.

It was unbelievable.

I'm so excited! F*** it!

Doner on the house tonight.

For you, anything.

Doner sauce on the house, everybody,

don't get excited.

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