Grassroots Page #2

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I don't tell you

that enough.

I am gonna run

Grant Cogswell's

city council campaign!

1, 2, 3, Cogswell.

For city council!

Sh*t, what he said, dude.

What did he say?

[ Cheering ]

[ Laughs ]

You're

my campaign manager.

You're the one who sent

out all those emails.

Where's at least

somebody?

You were supposed

to follow up with...

I hate this chair.

It hurts my back.

Why would you

have chairs like this

in your coffee shop?

It's not my coffee shop.

Fix this, Phil!

Fix it!

Wow!

Hey!

Hey! You think you

look like a politician

when you storm off

like that?

I mean, waitresses, they

vote, too, you know.

I hate these shoes!

I need better

arch supports!

[ Horns honk ]

Look at this.

People whine and b*tch

about traffic all day long,

but do they think

of a way out? Huh?

You screw mass transit

for the working class

and you screw it

for the entire system!

The suckage trickles up!

McIver's flushing

Seattle down the toilet

and he doesn't

even know it!

Hey! Doesn't

this suck, huh?

Doesn't it?

Doesn't it suck?

Look at where you're

sitting right now, huh?

Don't make me

get out there!

Look at what we've done

to each other!

Get out of here, jerk!

Doesn't this awful traffic

bug you into action? Huh?

[ Woman screams ]

Would you like to support

my campaign

for stalled mass transit?

Doesn't this suck?

Get out of here,

you lunatic!

Grant!

The monorail, your monorail.

We can have it

across the city

in five years, if even that.

And it'll pay for itself

in less than

a Seattle heartbeat.

And yet McIver

wants a debacle

that'll cost a fortune.

Why does he want this?

For the greenbacks,

my fine feathered friends,

to plump

his already pot-belly,

money-hungry

construction pimps

that fill up

his campaign coffer!

They call it light rail.

What does that even mean,

light rail?

My butt hole!

It's crazy lies,

lies on top of lies.

So he'll continue

to rape this city,

but I love this place.

I love it.

I love it so much

that I've carved

its seal onto my arm.

So give me your endorsement.

Rise above it all!

We can't offer you

our endorsement.

But nobody cares about your

monorail more than I do.

In fact, I'm the

only one who showed up

to this little function

thing of yours today.

That's got to mean

something.

Which is why we can't risk

what little influence we have

on fringe politics.

Fringe politics.

You mean, politics

that don't compromise?

That speak the truth,

which is the only way

to beat them, Clair.

Not by playing into their

conniving little fingers

like lambs

to the slaughter.

Please help us.

We can do...

I can do this!

Otherwise, you guys are just

another f***ing social club

on a list

sucking each other off!

All right, all right.

Listen, can I just...

can we just use

your name in public?

[ Laughs ]

Absolutely not.

God! Mmm!

What a f***ing

b*tch!

You know, grant,

you talk a lot of sh*t.

What we need to do

is embrace our position.

We're the little guys.

People like the little guys.

It's more satisfying

when they win.

Then why do incumbents

always get re-elected?

Because they stack

the cards in their favor!

No, they rig

the f***ing system, man!

They choose how much money

you can spend,

what the jurisdictions are.

They even got those little

voter pamphlets rigged.

What are you

talking about?

The voter pamphlets,

you know, the things that

they send out in the election,

you know, or polls and sh*t.

They even got the little

government stamp on it

and everything.

Only in Seattle,

you can't say anything

about the incumbent in it.

You can't even mention

the incumbent's name.

It's the law.

It's a joke.

You sure about this?

That's why I verbalized it.

We're being gagged here, man.

You know, when

I worked in Memphis,

it was for

this alt weekly

that let me dig into

all kinds of stuff.

Man, that city

was so messed up.

Poverty, corruption,

cronyism.

The cops were a bunch

of racist Hicks

still into Jim crow,

but no one cared.

You know what I did?

My back hurts.

Can we just go?

I sued them.

I took them to court

and I won, twice.

You got a coat? A tie?

Seattle itself

has demonstrated

a targeted

and intentional bias

toward limiting the

political effectiveness

of candidates who wish

to challenge incumbents.

Here's

a voter pamphlet

from last year's city council

election in San Francisco.

You'll notice a place

for candidates

to put pros and cons,

reasons why they think

they should be elected

and why the incumbent

totally fricking sucks.

Same with Los Angeles

and New York.

And even Dallas

f***ing Texas!

I mean, but Seattle,

west coast liberal

progressive Seattle,

10 years ago, the Seattle city

council passed an ordinance

forbidding candidates from

mentioning their opponents

in their voter pamphlet

statements.

It's total bullshit!

Just bullshit!

They've rigged the whole

tottering system

to stay in power!

Well, I'm sure you're

making a valid point

and we'll give it...

it's not just that!

It's the incumbent

can say

whatever the hell

he wants!

He can brag,

he can manipulate,

lie about his resume,

his voting record.

Even f*** his purple

pet parakeet

and grill it in the

microwave for breakfast.

But can a challenger target

these inane insanities?

Can he expose it

in the one document that

most voters actually read? No!

F***. Sorry.

Now, correct us

if we're wrong here,

but isn't restricting

our ability

to comment upon matters

of public record

a violation

of the first amendment?

Some would say

you're using this lawsuit

to take advantage

of the free media.

Well, it's true

that every candidate

who's challenging

an incumbent

wants as much exposure

as possible.

He's on TV!

It's grant!

It's too important for

the people to be exposed

to all ideas, brilliant,

constructive, idiotic.

Exposure, it's an issue

that affects every candidate

in every part of the city.

Get out!

It's that grant guy.

You got to be

kidding me.

This is really important in

every position, not just me.

No way!

For those of you

that don't know,

grant

is something different.

Different is good, right?

So...

Grant Cogswell.

[ Applause ]

Mass transit

is a social justice issue.

When you hear McIver pimping

his light rail plan,

the sound you really hear

is that of a giant toilet

flushing away

the city's under-class.

I mean, he'll never build

this so-called light rail

'cause it's just

a giant ploy.

A train five times

the size of any trolley?

It'll never stop even close

to fast enough.

It'll run over children

and cats and dogs

until they have to put up

heavy fences and walls,

and there goes

the neighborhood, folks.

While McIver and his buddies

will be living

in fancy mansions,

driven into the city

by limos,

and we'll all be stuck

in a hell of noise,

litter, and danger.

[ Applause ]

I'll take any questions,

if there are any.

My name's grant Cogswell,

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